These Are the Days of Our Lives - week 11

March 12, Sunday

Got to sleep late last night because I was busy editing last week's journal entries for proofreading, links, etc.  I think I only turned everything off around 8 am or something.  I took oil to help me pass out.  I've got this new kind called 'Night Night', which is neither CBD or THC, but CBN.  The lady at Cannabis NB explained to me the difference, but don't ask me to repeat it.  I did sleep okay after taking it, though.  *  Janice worked noon to 4 and came home around 4:30.  I'd been awake for a bit, after having some rather unsettling dreams that made me wake up in tears.  I couldn't recall them, but I could feel them.  I believe they had a lot to do with people leaving.  I think that's in my subconscious because, really, I don't work anymore.  As much as I'm at peace these days, and not having an anxiety attack since August 2 of last year (pretty well all of my anxiety attacks were work-related), it still leaves me at home alone pretty much all day every day, unless Janice isn't working.  In this case, I woke up feeling deserted or something, and that sets into motion thoughts that it's because of me, that it's my fault.  And really, who else's fault is it?  I don't blame anyone anymore but myself.  *  Janice joins me on the bed when she arrives, and the two of us chat and surf or whatever, MMH takes his spot bridging between us, and eventually we dress for PF and head downstairs.  Supper ideas are tough this time.  I'm the fussy one between us.  Janice will pretty much eat anything.  She suggested getting a rotisserie chicken, but then it was too late, so we'd just figure it out later.  Off to the gym we go.  Today would be machine Charms Day, the end of the workout cycle once again.  It's really good for us to get through a whole cycle in one week like this.  That means we've worked each body part two days each in the span of seven days.  I started off running 13 minutes today, which equates to 1.3 miles, as I inch up in distance.  My legs felt heavy today, probably from Leg Day yesterday.  Before we came to the gym, we each had a Reign energy drink, one of the better ones, as they've got no artificial colors or flavors in them at all, and lots of vitamins, plus caffeine to give you that extra boost.  I needed that today.  Janice really loves them, too.  She did a mile-long walk, and we hit the machines for chest and arms exercises.  We pushed ourselves pretty good today, doing drop sets and testing our strength with the weight amounts.  Janice is ... and she calls me this ... a machine, giving it everything every time.  We finished up with the usual stuff.  My stretching has come a long way, actually, except kneeling and bending backwards has really taxed my right knee, the one I had surgery on.  So I'm giving that a bit of a hiatus to see if it heals.  Janice tore through another three miles on the treadmill, I did another mile going uphill, and we checked out.  *  After two hours at PF, we headed home and hit the shower, did some laundry, and we flaked on the couch basking in the post-workout glow as MMH took his spot on the couch with me to get his spanking (he's addicted - I kid you not.  He won't leave me alone!).  Supper would be bagels with garlic spread and mozza under the broiler, and Marbleicious got his winner winner chicken dinner.  We watched some stuff on the telly, catching the tail end of the Oscars to see 'Everything Everywhere...' take home just about everything all at once, watched Question Period, Cross Country Checkup with Ian Hanomansing, and finally the season finale of 'The Last of Us' - which was predictably unsettling and jarring, and maybe too short, but this is a show you just don't know what kind of turn it's going to take, unless you've played the game it's based on, I guess.  It's going to be a while before season 2, but it's coming.  *  Forgot to mention, we snagged another mouse in a snap trap and unceremoniously flushed the fella.  Why do I feel guilty about killing these crafty little house invaders?  *  Up to TPL we go, give Marbles his fine cigar (that's really what we call his meatstick treats... "who wants a fiiiiine ci-gar?"), get into bed and watch John Oliver before Janice retires for the night.  And here I am at 5:20 am finishing this.  *  And that's the kind of day it's been.

March 13, Monday

So... the oil that I tried using, since they suddenly stopped carrying the 'Soleil' oil that I was using... is this stuff called CBN oil called 'Night Night'.  CBN oil is aged CBD oil, apparently, and is a relaxant/mild sedative kind of thing.  Sounds like it might do the trick.  Last night I tried it by itself, as the night before I had a bit of the Soleil oil still left over that I took, and I supplemented it with the NN oil.  It seemed to work well that way.  The Soleil oil ran out, so I took the straight up CBN NN stuff.  The experience I had was not a good one.  Physically, I'm fine, I didn't green out or anything - and I'm not even sure to blame it on the oil at all for sure, but I took it and I just didn't get tired enough to sleep.  As I stated above, it was well past 5 in the morning, and I had it, and... nothing.  I'd turned out the lights, closed my eyes, tried to drift off, and nothing.  And tried.  And tried.  7:30 am comes around, and Janice awakens, and asks me if I'd slept.  Nope.  At this point I'm becoming irritated and frustrated about it.  Not towards my sweet wife, but at the fact that I just couldn't sleep.  Something it did do is make me hungry, and we just didn't have a lot around at that point, so I resorted to a few crackers.  Janice leaves for work, and good old faithful Marbles hangs out with me as usual.  I watch TV, surf online a bit, trying to get tired - nothing.  Surfing online actually makes me tired enough to sleep most times, and I don't buy the whole light-from-the-screen-keeping-you-awake drivel I read a lot.  As a matter of fact, there are studies that refute that.  Afternoon comes, and still nothing.  Janice arrives home from work, and I tell her if she wants to go to the gym and do some cardio that she should do it, but I'm in no real condition to, because of being awake umpteen hours, plus it's free-weights Shack Day next, and my shoulder is screwed up from a deltoid exercise I did last time, too much exertion I think.  Janice does indeed go, and I attempt sleep one more time - success.  The plan was for her to go to PF and get a rotisserie chicken on the way home and wake me up for supper, so she did just that.  Only I woke up after what was a horrendous sleep where I had recurring nightmares about work.  I'd actually told myself in my subconscious to wake up, it was that disturbing.  I dream that I'm back at my old job at SDM, and I have bad experiences with the 'new' boss that manifested themselves in these dreams.  It was one of the worst experiences I'd ever had in the workplace, and it quite literally nearly drove me mad - though I must stress that my mental health is compromised already from a lifetime of trauma, physical mental and emotional.  Anyway, I wake up in tears, and go back to sleep, and repeat.  It was truly nightmarish.  This perpetuated the feeling with myself that I'm worthless and just a burden to everyone around me, so these feelings grow, and then the temptation for self-harm arises.  Did I?  ... no, I did not.  But the pain inside was almost too much to make me try to distract from it by creating pain outside.  I resisted, however.  There is no help for me in this regard professionally.  I'm once again on a waiting list for a psychiatrist, and psychologists costs hundreds of dollars, something that we just can't do.  Thus, as it has been for 27 years, I'm on my own.  The saving grace of all this is that now, I don't work, so there's nothing like that to exacerbate the situation.  And I can't understate how important Janice is in my life.  *  Janice made rice and corn to go with the chicken, and calls me downstairs.  I'm laying here in bed in tears at that point from repercussions from the nightmares.  I go downstairs, and we eat, seemingly enjoying what we were having, when most of the way through, Janice stopped eating because of a wave of nausea she experienced.  I finished mine, having been pretty hungry.  But then the same nausea washed over me.  We didn't get sick or anything, but the food just didn't sit well with us.  We resolved to go upstairs and lay down after staying upright for awhile, and her nausea had mostly cleared up by then.  Mine was getting worse, though.  I was burping up the rice we had, and we both figured it was the rice that turned us. I decided to take Gravol to see if it would help.  It did, but it took some time.  I was tired enough, at least, that at around 11:30 pm that we turn the lights out and attempt sleep.  *  Three a.m. comes around now, and I'm wide awake after another disturbing nightmare about drowning.  I've got the laptop on my lap with the nightlight feature as I'm typing this.  Janice is soundly asleep, with Marbles between us.  We do still have a CBD/THC mixture of cannabis oils that I'll take at some point to try to attempt sleep, but I'm wary of the CBN oil I took now.  It wasn't exactly cheap - $60 for a little bottle, so I feel we're kind of out that cash.  I'm also wary of Cannabis NB products now, too.  The THC infused pop they sold us brought about a not-that-pleasant buzz that I didn't like, and now this CBN stuff, that they assured me would help.  I think it would vary from person to person, but I don't want to play around with something unproven anymore.  At least the mixture that we make right now, between THC stuff called 'Banook' and CBD called 'Shubie', gives me a pleasant buzz, and does often help me sleep, but there are no off-kilter side effects like with the other things.  We may have to explore what the online site Faircana has to offer, which Janice has a prescription for.  *  Anyway, that's the kind of day it's been.

March 14, Tuesday

It's a bit of a blur.  I'm laying here in bed on Thursday morning at 2:30, actually, and I'll try to recount what I can remember of what essentially was yesterday.  *  The sleep struggles continue, though I didn't sleep quite as badly as the day before.  When Janice came home, and I was sleeping off and on throughout the night and then the day, I did stay awake.  The two of us were debating going to the gym or not, to which I more or less said we should go, and we did.  *  And speaking for myself, and perhaps even for Janice, we maybe shouldn't have.  We started out with our usual - me running 1.4 miles, Janice doing her walking a mile.  I did that distance at 6 mph, stubbornly, because I wanted to keep building on the last time.  It was kind of a hard run.  I didn't really eat all day, the sleep was dodgy, and here I am pushing my limits.  We moved on to free-weights Shack Day, one of the more gruelling workout days if we push ourselves.  And push ourselves we did.  We did all the exercises, even increasing weights here and there, and when that was done Janice hit the treadmill again for extra mileage, while I did my Monkey Walk once around the gym.  I did some stretching, then got on the treadmill with Janice for a mile, and we left for home.  The snow was coming down pretty good outside at that point, with a storm system moving through the area.  The heavy, wet kind.  *  After showering, we opted for a pizza we had in the freezer, since it was Pi Day.  It was really good, actually.  After that was done, I decided to make oatmeal cookies, as per Janice's request the day before.  I was running out of energy pretty quick at this point.  I took to leaning over the counter a lot, I was so tired and drained.  Those cookies are so friggin' good, though.  *  After cleaning up, it was time to go upstairs, give the fabulous feline his fine cigar, and I took the oil mixture and we both went to sleep after the lights went out.  *  To my best recollection, that's the kind of day it was.

March 15, Wednesday

So, the oil that I took last night kind of got me back on track a bit.  I slept, waking up here and there, but still did get some quality sleep.  Although I woke up a fair bit.  I supplemented that rest with the odd pass-out here and there between the time Janice left for work and when she got home.  I was quite wasted, really.  The workout we did Tuesday evening took its toll on both of us, but especially me.  *  Janice came home from work and got horizontal with me and we chatted.  We discussed how much training had hit us, and we both resolved to skip the gym tonight.  Janice's Mom wanted something at the grocery store, so we did go out and get what she needed.  The snowstorm yesterday had some leftover effect today, with the odd flurry, and I had to do some shovelling to get the car out.  Nothing major.  Off to Sobeys we went to get a couple of boxes of Mandarin oranges for Momma, then it was off to Janice's SDM store to get mascara for her as well.  Alexandra was working in the P.O., so we both went in to chat a little.  Then it was back to the house.  *  The snow was wet and heavy enough that we had a bit of difficulty parking the car in the driveway, as the plow hadn't been by to bail us out yet.  We delivered the oranges and mascara to Janice's Mom and went home to flake out.  We were both pretty tired from the gym yesterday - clearly, we overdid it.  I told Janice, maybe we should take a couple or a few days off from the gym, since it appears we're going through burnout somewhat, especially me, I think.  It also wouldn't hurt for Janice to rest her knee as she waits for her MRI appointment in a couple of weeks.  We'll play this day by day.  *  Supper wound up being quite simple - we opted for grilled Swiss cheese.  What I do for that, is I melt the butter in the pan first, then get the bread slices coated with it on one side each, put the Swiss cheese in the middle and brown it.  We each had two of them.  We'd both been eating oatmeal cookies a lot of the day, so it wasn't exactly just grilled cheese that we ate.  It was time to head up to The Promised Land, shepherded by Marvellous Marbles Hagler.  *  After he got his fine cigar, I made the decision for Janice and me to switch sides of the bed, because my side is closest to the door of the bedroom that leads to the bathroom.  It should have been done long ago, to my discredit.  With Janice's bum knee, I don't want her walking extra around the bed to get to the bathroom at night if she needs to.  We watched Jimmy Kimmel on the telly, whose guest was the great David Letterman, who was promoting a Disney+ special he did with U2 in Dublin that premieres Friday.  I miss good old Dave.  Whenever he talks, about anything, he's so fun to listen to.  Of course, now I really want to see this U2 thing with him, so I'll have to get Disney+ for a month, at least, and check out other stuff, too.  There's the Beatles series I've been wanting to see, along with a few other shows.  I still haven't seen 'Black Widow' yet.  *  That's the kind of day it's been.

March 16, Thursday

Wow, so I kind of caved in emotionally after I was done writing that last post.  I thought I'd lost another friend online, and they're dwindling a lot these days, and I kind of spiralled.  Terrible thoughts creep into my head during these times, of the self-loathing sort.  Tears start rolling, anxiety ramps up... I took oil and it helped, but that takes up to an hour to start to work.  I make this journal and blog public, because I like to be open about it if anybody is interested at all, but then I start wondering if it's the reason why folks up and leave my life.  I don't have a so-called 'circle of friends' anymore.  I remember a while ago, somebody called me 'eccentric'... to me, that can have negative connotations.  'Eccentric' can equal 'weird', and 'weird' isn't cast in a very good light most times.  I'm perfectly accepting of being unique and individual, and I even encourage others to be, but, maybe I'm just 'weird'.  Eccentric.  And people have had enough.  I can't fault anyone for turning away.  *  I woke up after sleeping only three hours, with the thought that maybe I should stay awake and try to re-set my clock again.  Then I thought, why?  So I can be awake and alone longer?  Back to sleep I go.  Janice came home from work and saw me sleeping and came back when I was awake.  I didn't divulge my troubles last night.  What's the point.  *  We decided indeed that we would go to the gym, despite yesterday feeling burnt out from going full tilt for a little while now.  Today was the dreaded free-weights Leg Day.  This is a weights day Janice does not participate in, as per my orders, until she gets the results of her MRI sometime next month.  But, she does participate in lengthy treadmill sessions, and tonight she was able to do nearly eight miles.  While she was doing that, I did my Leg Day routine.  It's a bitch!  I hate doing it, but it works.  PF was quite busy tonight, so I left out the barbell squats, but did everything else.  My treadmill work was just walking uphill tonight.  I got four miles in with the rest of the workout.  I will run again, but only if I feel like I want to.  I don't want this to be a chore.  *  What's better after a good workout than a Big Mac McChicken combo meal!  That's what we got because we wanted to try it.  Here we are all hot and sweaty, and we pick up our order and head home, get in the house and chow down.  It was quite good.  Really, it's just a Big Mac with the beef patties replaced with chicken ones.  But it works.  After that, we watched some MSNBC stuff, then put on Star Trek Picard.  This is clearly the best new Trek season to date, above all the rest.  It's getting better every week.  I'm pretty sure Lore is at the center of all the villainy that's going on, but his motives, I don't know what they are.  TNG characters are slowly being added to the show on a by-the-week basis.  *  Up to TPL we go, with the steadfast MMH in tow, telling us vocally it's time for his fine cigar.  But tonight it was going to be kitty chocolate.  He loves that too.  We settle into bed after our showers - we were freezing in our own sweat watching Picard - and pretty much call it a night, after watching a bit of Jimmy Kimmel.  It's weird trying to get used to sleeping on the other side of the bed.  Last night, I slept awkwardly, I think, and might've given myself an intercostal strain in my left pec.  I'm just about due for a bout of that.  My kidney stones are indeed there, and they're letting me know from time to time.  I kind of dread what's ahead for me about that.  *  And that's the kind of day it's been.

March 17, Friday

Basically, last night was another insomniac kind of night.  Not much more to be said about that.  *  Janice's Mom is gone north to Shippagan, so she asked Janice to check in on her kitty while she's gone for a couple of days.  Little 'Lolo' is a very young, about-to-be-spayed girl kitty who is coming around socially, but still a bit skittish.  Cute little thing though.  It's weird being in the Hansen living room and feeling the history in it. It's been a Hansen household for around 40 years now, formerly owned by the McGivneys.  *  We made a trip to Costco, because we're out of waffles, which is a steadfast gap-filler here in our house.  Of course we wound up getting windshield wipers (needed), chicken wings for Saturday night's feed, Swiffer dusters for life, a 2 lb bag of corn chips (the Kirkland ones are SO good), vitamin D, a pair of swim shorts for me (Janice insisted, but they won't be for swimming), and I think that's it.  *  Then we're off to the gym.  Starting with a little over half an hour on the treadmill, with me walking up the steepest incline for a little over two miles, and Janice doing a little more than that on a flat level because of the knee issues.  Onto free-weights Charms Day, where we did our usual workout, but I pushed Janice a bit to do just over half of the weights that I use because she's getting a lot stronger.  There's so much grit in that woman.  Then some ab stuff, a Monkey Walk twice around, some serious stretching and back on the treadmill.  I got over four miles in altogether, and Janice a bit more.  Friday nights at PF are nice, when the crowds are a bit smaller.  Saturdays are the same way.  *  After a more than three hour workout (!), it's back home to shower and then get into some oven-baked fish 'n chips, which were great.  I pondered making cookies, but Janice said do it Saturday.  We watched Chris Hayes on MSNBC, then Bill Maher, then it was time to relocate to TPL being led by the great MMH.  He was a regular chatterbox looking for his fine cigar.  He had to wait until we cleaned up a bit and we brushed our teeth and stuff, and he was yakkin' the whole time.  He's a funny little dude.  After he got his snack, we settle into bed and watch a bit of TV stuff, 'The Proof is Out There' - which is always fun to watch ("Keep those cameras rolling!"), Janice passed out while I watched 'Ancient Aliens', and then the struggle began to try to sleep.  So yes, I am recalling this the next day on Saturday afternoon, since I only got to sleep around maybe 7:30 am.  *  And that's the kind of day it's been.

March 18, Saturday

Once again, a sparse night of sleep, making me sleep during the morning and early afternoon.  The weather's been nice lately.  The snow from the week's storm is virtually gone.  The spring thaw is going to be minimal around here.  *  First thing we did when we left the house was go see Lolo,

Janice & Lolo

Janice's Mom's cat next door, where Momma left town for a funeral for the weekend.  We actually thought she'd be back by today, but since she isn't, we kept Lolo company for a while, playing with her and feeding her, changing her water and cleaning her litter box.  She's quite the little character.  *  We decided once again to go to church today.  We've been kindly welcomed back by a number of folks there.  There's something about church, really.  Something meditative.  Prayer has been proven more by science lately as being beneficial to the heart and mind.  *  After church, we did like last week - we went to Champlain Mall to get some peanut butter chocolate eggs at Laura Secord, and walk around a bit.  It was a bit busier than last week, and quite lively, which is so nice to see after enduring the pandemic the last couple of years.  We also went to Sobeys there to pick up some things for Caesar salad, but with iceberg lettuce.  I don't know if I'll ever trust Romaine again.  *  When we got home, I started prep for the wings we were going to have tonight, where I'm making the coated variety this time.  Janice went next door to turn the lights on for Lolo, and I went with her, and I decided to take it upon myself to clean her litter box, emptying it altogether and powerwashing it.  She's got lights on and a radio playing to keep her from being lonely.  Back home, it was time to turn on some music and have our traditional Saturday Night wings, to be followed by a chocolate chip cookie bake.  We did laundry along the way.  The wings turned out great, as usual, as Janice cleaned up behind me.  We shared a cannabis drink that we had in the fridge, which I didn't mind if we were splitting one.  It was a cola soda, not too bad either.  We just let the music play tonight while we ate.  It's a mostly 70s and 80s playlist.  We're looking to leave Spotify soon for either Tidal or Amazon, we're not sure which.  *  Once the wings were made and eaten, it was time to bake cookies.  It's a smaller recipe, yielding about 2 1/2 dozen, in comparison to the other recipes.  Those things are tricky, because they're hard not to eat once they've cooled a bit out of the oven.  *  After cleaning up from that, it was videoed for your pleasure)upstairs to TPL, with Marvellous Marbles Hagler, who hung out with us all night.  He got his fine cigar (videoed for your pleasure) and soon after that, it's bedtime.  All in all, a pretty satisfying day.  *  And that's the kind of week it was.