2021 is here! Finally. But let's not kid ourselves. We ain't out of the woods yet. We're still in the thick of it.
Covid pretty much sucked the life out of the year, didn't it. That was rhetorical. But every holiday, every birthday, every day off, was tempered by this historic illness. We weren't allowed to be around a lot of people. Folks died alone in their hospital rooms because no one was allowed around them because of how contagious this damned thing is. And there are/were deniers and skeptics that this is actually happening, which just floors me. Since '16 when Trump was elected, trust in media has eroded very quickly in favor of bullshit false 'facts', when in reality, only the fringe news sites and stations that support the authoritarian-wannabe were truly guilty of mass falsehood spreading. The weak-minded bought into it, but even more scary, people you would expect to come out against this kind of scary fascism actually wound up supporting it. It got scarier every year since then, and now it's coming to an explosive end later this month. Make no mistake... the U.S. is the country seen as the leaders of the free world, but even countries around the world watching them feel sorry for them and are frightened at what they're becoming. Being in Canada, we're direct next-door neighbors, so what happens there has the biggest effect on us first. No one in the media outside of Canada's own seems to recognize that fact.
On a personal level, things haven't been too bad since I last posted here on Ragnar. This in spite of a crazier than usual holiday season. You might have heard that some companies actually thrived during the pandemic, while others simply shut down. I work for one of the thriving companies, where business actually went bionic. My wife had it the same. Her postal outlet that she runs is experiencing record business, thanks in no small part to how she operates the place with our daughter and one other who handles a shift or two a week. Myself, I've worked overtime pretty much every week, and my job's quite physical, so I go home every day wiped right out. We quit the gym because of too many restrictions due to Covid, and we'll go back when it's back to normal. Whenever that is.
Regarding myself and my head's state, I've actually kept things together through the season. Only one panic attack... and I don't even remember it, because I guess I had it in my sleep. Janice witnessed it, so I can't really say what I did, except that I appeared to be 'convulsing' before I actually got up and whatever happened. All I remember is taking THC oil that Janice administered to me. I think during that day, signs of an attack were there, but I just didn't really pick up on it. I was fidgety, annoyed and as Janice would say, had the 'jimmy legs' where I was twitching all the time. I remember coming around and feeling exhausted, though, because those attacks are exhausting. I'm quite wary of what can happen when I experience one of these phases. I often dream about them -- dream of going through them. But this was the first time I know of that I acted one out in my sleep.
But I don't know what exactly to do about that. I have no psychologist, because it's not free and quite pricey. I have no psychiatrist because he bailed on me. And my own doctor only really believes me if Janice vouches for me. In other words, I'm on my own. I don't believe in pseudo self-help books or videos or news clippings or anything, because each and every one of us experiences something different. I can be watching a video, for example, of somebody telling me something related to a person with depression and anxiety, but it does not address me because my circumstances are so different. As I've exhaustively stated before, I've had multiple concussions throughout my life, along with a number of traumatic experiences. YES, people have been through worse. But no one experiences the same as another every time. I'm quite lucky to be alive. Thanks in large part to my wife and my daughter.
Anyway... apart from that 'phantom' anxiety bout, I've maintained the course quite well. There are other health things to be addressed. My ENT sent me for a barium x-ray of my digestive tract, suspicious that the nodes on my vocal cords, which I'm having removed via surgery January 18, might be the result of acid reflux. I don't believe that to be the case, but getting a closer look at my stomach isn't something I object to, in order to rule out everything. She thinks I might have a hernia in my tract. If that's true, that could be yet another surgery, though only laproscopic and nothing too major. Getting my nodes taken out isn't terribly major either. It'll leave me voiceless for a couple of weeks, which takes me out of work for that time. It seems the beginning of the year is where I have to watch it. Last year in February, I broke my wrist. A year before that, I was taken off for stress leave for three months. Before that, I had one year that started with sinus surgery, followed by knee surgery, plus multiple bouts with kidney stones that required multiple surgeries. So the beginning of every year these days gives me the heebie-jeebies a little.
I guess I can take solace in the fact that every time I was confronted with something, after it knocked me down I always got back up. When I did see a psychologist before my coverage ran out, she told me I was resilient and should tell myself that. If I was told that story about someone else, I would tell them they were resilient. Why wouldn't I say that about myself? But I can't. Most of the time, I feel like I deserve what I get. I have quite a guilt complex, I guess. If I have bad "karma", I'd like to know how much more I have to pay. And with what. But, alas, I don't believe in karma. Too many really bad folks get away with everything, and too many good folks never get a break. It's nonsense.
One challenge facing me in the new year is my manager at work. The guy I've had for ten years is leaving, and a new one is coming in. Nothing at all against the new guy, I don't even know him. But the boss I know, knew me. He knows my medical history and all the quirks related to it, and was very supportive. I think I've been quite lucky that way. When I leave for surgery in a couple of weeks, the old boss will be going and the new one stepping in. I guess I'm kind of nervous because I've dealt with many asshole bosses since I left driving for BJ's Subs and Catering in '07. Two of those bosses made me seek supplemental help for my anxiety and mental issues. I guess I'll remain hopeful and be cautiously optimistic.
Anyway, the road ahead... I'm looking forward to getting this vaccine, and hoping to God everyone who's against it comes around and gets it too. There sure are a lot of conspiracy theories out there against it. One thing I've found about conspiracy theories (ever notice the very word contains the words 'cons' and 'piracy'?) is that they're always bullshit. I used to love that stuff. It was great entertainment. But not a lot more than that. For too many, they've taken the place of facts and useful information and science. It really pisses me off with so many of these church goers saying they're above the law and that God will protect them when they go to mass. Never mind that you're not supposed to put God to the test. You can be faithful and still go by the rules that society presents when things like Covid go awry.
How well the world prospers in the year to come depends solely on how many people take the vaccine against this crushing illness. I'll lean toward the positive side, and hope that this coming summer brings us back to some semblance of normality. I refuse to accept the term 'new normal'. This is NOT normal, and I do not accept it as such for any length of time. We've had to make adjustments to deal with this abnormal situation. To say it's the 'new normal' is to relinquish hope. We will get back to normal, but this is not normal, what we're dealing with right now. But... we won't get back to normal if we're going to constantly remain divided. Division is borne from far right politics. And by far right, I don't necessarily mean conservatives. Far left is just as dangerous... but there is no far left. You might argue that with me, but we've never been in any danger of going that way. We ARE in danger of slipping into totalitarianism and authoritarianism. The Progressive Conservatives in Canada, for instance, gave way to just Conservatives. Removing 'Progressive' from the title is everything. The PC's, at least, were very aware of environmental issues; even if I didn't agree with much of their financial credo. When the PC's became C's, Harper came in and annihilated scientific records related to preserving the environment and deregulated many of the laws and rules people had to follow to protect them. Trump is doing even worse to his country. I still feel a stir of anger in me when I think about when Harper made a clandestine meeting with Trump at the White House at the beginning of his presidency. No one knows what they discussed. I suspect no one ever will know. But Stephen Harper scared me the way Trump does. He's basically Trump with a brain. I have hope with the Conservative's new leader Erin O'Toole, though, he at least doesn't seem as mean spirited and confrontational as his predecessor. The only way I'd want to see the Conservatives take over right now is with a minority government; although really, that's how I like all my governments. The people in power need to stay accountable that way. It's why I'm glad Trudeau's Liberals are a minority. Too many in his cabinet don't know their asses from their elbows. Bill Morneau, his now former finance minister, buried Canada in debt long before Covid did. If they didn't have a path to getting out of our $20 billion deficit before Covid hit, how are they supposed to get us out of this $400 billion tsunami? The Conservatives would bring in austerity measures, which are highly unethical when Harper pulled it. That's why I say. sure, give the Cons a shot... with a MINORITY. I can just imagine where we'd be if the Liberals pulled off a majority last election. All this being said... I'm still Green all the way. They're the only realistic party out there; though the NDP impresses me more and more these days too.
When Lent comes along in February, I'm going to be making a few 'sacrifices'. I'll be cutting down drastically on meat consumption, like we do every year, but also, I'll put social media completely on hold. Facebook has become Hatebook. I never took to Twitter because that's the most toxic place of all of them. I'll have to be more active with my e-mail. But there are far too many lies and hatred spewing from my computer screen these days. It's downright sad. If I have any friend on social media that shows crazy negativity without any facts to back it up, they're gone. I hate doing that, too.
Anyway, the new year is here, we're scheduled to see KISS in Bangor in August, which was postponed from last September, and it'll just be nice if we can get to a place where we don't need to wear a mask or count the people who are around us. This is not how we're supposed to live... but it's how we have to live until this virus is defeated once and for all.
Thanks for tuning in to read this. I wish you all a happy and prosperous New Year. Better times are on the horizon.
Till then, fire up the colortinis and watch the pictures as they fly through the air.
Good night.
