It's been a great summer - albeit kind of soggy in this neck of the woods here in New Brunswick, Canada. But looking around at all the mayhem caused by weather in so many other parts of the world, including here in my own country, actually especially my own country, I can't validate any complaints I might have had.
Last year, on August 2, I suffered my last violent anxiety attack, where I turned a utility knife on myself and cut up my legs and arms. No need to get into reasons why. But it did prompt an adjustment in my medication, which has helped quite incredibly really, and I've been in perhaps the most serene place in my entire life since I can remember.
It hasn't come without some challenging times and days, of course, like everyone has. I've learned to recognize triggers and how to stare them down; to remove myself from situations that may prompt an oncoming attack. Everyone who suffers from chronic anxiety is unique in their symptoms and what brings them on. I'm certainly not a 'textbook case' of an anxiety sufferer. Mine originates mainly from physical trauma early in life. Thus, medication proved to be crucial to getting me out of that hole that at times appeared bottomless. But it takes more than just meds.
It takes a family, friends, spirituality, and education to shine light where it's needed the most. It started out without any hint of a light at all whatsoever. So much is known about physical trauma's connection to chronic anxiety now than was back in the day. It's made me look back on my own past and taking a look at what I'm ashamed of, actions-wise, and look at it in a third-person kind of perspective. Would I be so condemning of a person that has the same kind of past and circumstances, from an outsider's point of view? Today, I certainly would not.
But time is the great teacher, isn't it? Not only does it provide you with a chance to look back, but it gives you the option to not repeat. It's true what they say, those who do not learn from history really are damned to repeat it. That road had a lot of potholes and damage to it. There's an alternate route that takes me to where I want to go. Why take that same damaged road? But I took the damaged road over and over again, in some instances. It left me with many a flat tire, and catastrophic engine failure in some cases. Life will make you learn one way or another.
In this past year, I've learned to just let a lot of things go. Why the hell argue just for the sake of arguing? If the conversation leads to hard feelings or hatred, disengage. I'm still learning this, but I've come a long way. Chances are you aren't going to change people's minds on anything, but you can help change them by simply setting an example. "Do unto others", and so forth.
My nephew Shawn gave me a book called "The Book of Joy" that crucially made me re-adjust my outlook for the better. I recommend it to anyone who feels like they've gotten a bum rap on life, or wonders "why me?" at any point in time. Man... I was one of those "why me?" people for decades. From time to time, I still am, but a whole lot less. In reflection, patience is what I've always needed to get over such an outlook. Patience and compassion. Finding happiness in others' happiness.
Plus the blessings in my life are in great abundance. Sure, I live on disability, a fixed income. I'll never have the riches - the big job, the fancy car, a cottage of my own, the ability to travel much. But like I said about letting go, it's more about what I have than what I don't, or won't. I have a fantastic wife, whom I credit for my very existence today. A wonderful daughter who made me stare down the menace that is anxiety/depression/PTSD, and fight it and fend it off (NOT 'win', because it's a lifelong battle). I've got a few friends who've always been around. We have a house that was basically a run-down shack when we moved in nearly 25 years ago, that has morphed into our own little palace, especially over the last year or so. We have no debt, outside of our mortgage, which has a little over three years left. We've got our kitty Marbles, who's steadfastly at my side providing love and support unconditionally every day. I have a family full of forgiving and understanding siblings; and like every large family, we've had our ups and downs through the decades, but we always gravitate back together. As we all get older, things tend to slide off our backs a little easier, knowing that petty crap is never worth it in the long run. Going to church has helped a lot. Mind you, I don't think I believe in quite the same version of God as a lot of others do. To me, God is synonymous with love and forgiveness. Anything antithetical to those things is contrary to the God I believe in.
I have my health, although at times it gets questionable, but nothing serious at all, outside of my mental health issues of course, which I've kept under control. Although in recent months, I've been a bit paranoid. Every seven or eight years, it seems, I've had to do battle with kidney stones. The last time, in '15, I came a little too close to losing a kidney. Had Janice not forced me to go to outpatients and demanded I be looked at a lot more closely than I had been (indeed, I got surgery that day), I'd be down one. So now, my guard is up whenever I feel that familiar ache in my back. I wound up with a couple of stones that showed up on an x-ray a few months ago that looked to be on the move. For three months, the pain kind of increased. Long story short, I pissed the little bugger out (ha... try saying a kidney stone is "little" to anyone who's had one) just tonight. It wasn't pleasant, that's for sure, but it was a relief. I was scheduled to go for a CT scan for it, but now that's not in the cards anymore. But, while I was filling up the bird feeder we have in our yard today, which I need a ladder for and Janice to hold it while I do it, I wound up taking a ten foot drop to the ground when the ladder gave way to a weak branch. I'm now the proud owner of some kind of rib injury, either cracked or an intercostal thing. Having experienced both, I'd say the intercostal might be a bit more painful, but takes probably half the healing time that an actual fracture does. I'm hoping that's what it is. I do have Percocet because of my kidney stones, after all. And THC. But the yard looks good! It's what I did all day yesterday. I mowed Janice's mom's lawn and ours, which is a bit of a task when the mower isn't one of those propelled ones, and the lawn has a lot of hills. And with my stubborn ass, I always have to do both lawns at once, even when I only set out to do one at a time. Plus a ton of weed whacking. Plus hedge and shrub trimming. I wound up with a bit of a burn, making me look more Canadian than ever with my shades of red and white.
Exercise has been a tremendous factor in keeping my physical AND mental health in check, too. Janice has a Planet Fitness membership, which allows for a guest every time you go, and I would be that guest, so we go together all the time. She's pretty determined to walk a total of 1,000 miles by the end of the year, and she's over half way there. Considering her ridiculous roadblocks, not the least of which is a knee to be operated on August 9, she's become inspirational to people, especially me. She would say I'm the inspirational one, probably. I push her a bit when we go, but that lady's a powerhouse. You can not keep her down or in one spot too long. For the better part of this year, she's gotten around with a cane, but she still goes to the gym and sweats it out with the best of them. On my end, lots of weights and cardio have had many benefits. I don't lift all that heavy, really. I don't consider myself particularly strong. All I know is that it makes me feel good. I've really taken on stretching as a prominent part of my workouts, where it takes up around 45 minutes each time. It's helped my mobility in ways I couldn't have imagined before I started getting serious with it. Again, I'm no pro or some kind of yogi when I'm stretching, but what I've been doing works pretty great with me. I look forward to when Janice can do all this stretching with me. For now, she does extra cardio while I do my stretching. We usually go every other day now.
Although one glaring issue with me is my right knee. I'd just gotten it x-rayed yesterday, and the doc said that it looks the same as it did three years ago. It sure doesn't feel the same! After multiple times attempting to run again, finally a few days ago when I almost wiped out on the treadmill (and a few other times just walking), I bit the bullet and decided to give it attention. It's hard to actually 'see' my doctor, so he just sent me for the x-ray, said I had osteo in my knee, and that was that. At the rate I'm going, I may need Janice's cane when she's done with it. But I'm tired of chasing health care practitioners about it. It appears no one wants to believe me. It hearkens back to ten years ago when I started limping every day for three years before I actually got an MRI and then told me I had a tear, bone fragments, and evidence of a fracture in my tibia before they told me "hey, you need surgery". I feel like I'm on that same friggin' road. But, at least this time, I'm not working. So there's the blessing in that!
Still, the frustration in that nearly got away from me yesterday when I got stonewalled by the doc again about the x-ray. Janice pushed and pushed me to get it addressed by the doctor for at least three months, and I finally caved, only to have to go to the back of the line again. Whatever. It's summertime! There's fun to be had, a house and yard to enjoy, time to be spent with my wife, great food to eat, and people to see, especially in August when family convenes in Caissie Cape. Janice will have most of August off because of her surgery, so I will happily wait on her hand and foot if needed, pretty much like she's done with Lexy and me since forever ago. I've been incredibly fortunate all my life, especially through the down times, in that I've had people looking out for my own best interests when it counted the most. I can't give enough credit to Janice. Every time I'm in trouble, like a superhero she seems to show up to save the day. I would like to think I do the same for her and Lexy. But I believe those heights are perhaps too lofty for me to ever reach.
I can't be the guy that says "hang in there, things will get better", because I know too many people that have to deal with way, way worse than I ever have had to... people that I pray for. But it is pretty important to have understanding for the plight of others. We're all dealing with something, right?
We all have to carry that weight - so maybe we should see that others are, too, and help them carry theirs. We will heal ourselves when we help others. Not to sound preachy.
As always, thanks so much for taking the time out of your precious day to read my very humble blog entry. You are appreciated!
