Saturday, March 2, 2019

In Pursuit of Happiness

Time to break the silence.  It's been a long time since I've posted.  And I do know there's the odd person who does read these, so I figured, why not.

It's been quite a while.  Let me get you up to speed, if you're not regularly in touch with me.

I took the first three months of '18 off because of a breakdown that I had at work.  As anyone who knows me realizes, I'm very open with my mental illness issues, in the hopes of getting others who are silent to open up and get help.  There is no shame in it.  Anyway, Christmas of '17 was particularly stressful... not unlike many Christmas seasons, especially if you work in retail like I do... and where I work, as a receiver, I'm out on the floor of the store when I worked every third weekend.  Weekends are busy there, and the clientele is particularly bad mannered and cranky.  If you're dealing with mental illness, this kind of stress is very hard to deal with.  My way of dealing with it is removing myself from it, but if I'm working, that's somewhat near impossible.

In early January '18, just after New Year's, it got to the point where someone attacked me verbally in the store and made me look and feel stupid.  This is one sure fire way to ignite an anxiety attack in me and confront myself.  Long story short, I found a place in the back where I would be alone and concussed myself and dragged my box cutter across various points of my skin, leaving me bleeding and in a lot of pain.  I'm not proud to exclaim this, but I figure the more open I am about it, the more awareness to the issue it brings, not just to myself - but others suffering with depression and anxiety.  I do know some of  you, and believe me when I say, I am with you

I was at wit's end on this day.  I wrote a note to my manager telling him I wouldn't be back to work until further notice, and I'd gotten things taken care of.  He does know that I have issues with anxiety, to the point that it can get quite debilitating.  This was a major step that I needed to take, although the idea of not going to work and earning my keep played on me.  The thought of going on paid leave for mental health issues felt defeating in a way.  In retrospect, I see it as a bit of a brave act, just not one I care to repeat.

Three months at home passed while I decompressed from the stress and anxiety of the holiday season at work, and that every third weekend there, where my blood pressure was tested as well.  My family doctor took me off work in increments of about three weeks at a time, subject to evaluation.  Janice accompanied me to my appointments to give her input on how I was doing, both to corroborate my own claims and offer information I might not be quite open enough to give.  As the visits passed, I finally went back to work in April, rested and relaxed, on new meds and ready to try to make things work once again.  It was good being back to work.  Being at home not working bored the crap out of me, but it did force me to rest and find peace.  I did worry about how things would be at work while I wasn't there, as I felt that I might be missed since I work quite steadily.  That worry was unfounded, as they made out fine without me.

However, about a week in back to work, an incident happened at work that caused me to deal with another bout of self harm.  Without getting into too much detail about that, it thus caused me to lose faith in my meds altogether, and I stopped them cold turkey.  I would not recommend anyone on meds to do this.  It's actually quite dangerous and could lead to very serious consequences.  But that being said...

I went through the rest of April with the presence of mind that not taking meds will likely affect me adversely, so I braced for impact, so to speak.  Surprisingly, I made it through a whole month, before I took another serious anxiety attack and immediately rebooted my meds.  It got to the point where I was a danger to myself, and thus, to Janice -- not in a physical sense, but her watching me go through it was quite distressing to her.  But she is a kind, loving devoted soul, and was with me through thick and thin.  And is. 

As things turned out, this rebooting of my meds seemed to kickstart their efficacy.  As I leveled off, I experienced a sense of normalcy I hadn't experienced in years.  Add to that the good news that my manager gave me all weekends off, which did miracles for my peace of mind, knowing that I didn't have to stare down the anxiety monster every third week and hope for the best.  The way my work is, anyway, is I do 8 to 4's, except Tuesdays and Fridays where I go in at 5am.  As you might imagine, as someone with lifelong brain injury issues, this played a factor in my sense of security within myself.  Knowing I didn't have to face this seemed to have lifted a very heavy weight off of my head.  This coupled with rebooting my meds did a whole lot for my mental stability.

Last summer was one of the best I'd experienced in my lifetime.  My mental health was in the best shape it had been in years, and with Janice constantly by my side, I felt like my life had been renewed.  Our daughter was doing much better, too, and would continue to improve as the year progressed.  Although the one issue with her and her boyfriend is their living quarters; I feel like they deserve so very much more, but they're cash-strapped too much to change it -- although things are getting better for them financially due to work upgrades, so I have high hopes that this issue will be rectified soon.  Janice and me have been there, after all, in virtually identical circumstances.

As time went on, it caused some reflection, where I would look back on how I handled things and how I approached problems in general.  Of which I'd give myself a failing grade, really.  I have to be careful not to be too hard on myself, but these periods of refection also help guide me how to handle things in the future.  Looking back, I see myself assigning blame from time to time that wasn't warranted, and I realize that perhaps I was this way because of my mental illness issues in the first place.  I was often reactionary to sudden issues, and looked sometimes... not always.... to others to lay culpability to.  Now, I have to be careful not to blame myself too much, or risk suffering more anxiety attacks.  So there's a fine balance there, middle ground that I have to seek to find where it's stable enough that I won't fall, and just as importantly, don't bring anyone down with me.

I don't judge things like I used to now as a result.  I've learned that I need to be more aware of others' feelings, so I measure my opinions and advice accordingly --  don't tell anyone anything you wouldn't want to be told, unless there is fruit to be harvested from such situations.  Nonetheless, negativity is something I do try to avoid.  Not just coming at me, but especially from me.  Better to prop others up than knock them down, regardless of who they are or what the situation is.  Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that; darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that, to paraphrase a certain King.

I went through the better part of a year 'without incident', as I express it, where there were no issues of self-harm.  But I experienced another attack a couple of weeks ago now, where I took something out of context, perhaps, and shamed myself image-wise and gouged my stomach, probably leaving yet more scars due to this stubborn illness.  As I type this, I'm still leveling off somewhat.  I still look in the mirror and see things that others maybe don't.  My self image is admittedly poor; but at this point, I don't know what to do about it.  I've seen a psychiatrist, physician, psychologist, you name it.  But the poor self-image thing is a bitch to eradicate.  Self confidence has always been a tough issue.  I will never feel like I'm smart enough, look good enough, or be good enough to actually succeed and thrive at anything.  I've tried!  But I'm one of those types that doesn't take insults or condescension  very well.  What I need is patience, but I've isolated myself to a point where I don't really give anyone the opportunity to grant me that, beyond my wife that is.

Before I sign this off, I would be remiss not to mention a few things to address some people who've gone out of their way to shine some happiness into my days.  There's this friend of mine I've had since back in the days I worked at Green Gables corner store in the late '80s.  We've stayed in touch throughout the years... him to me more than me to him.  Acceleration of my social anxiety prevented me quite a lot from connecting with friends, which is why I've lost so many.  But Tim never gave up on me.  Tim's a jet-setter, and travels a lot in his line of work.  He often brings me treats from abroad, chocolate and snacks and stuff, knowing that I'm quite the junk food connoisseur.  Sometimes he brings me to a show when a band is in town.  His thoughtfulness is off the charts, if I'm to be very honest.  But this past Christmas, he went above and beyond, I think too much.  Tim and me bonded in part from a band we liked a lot way back called The Pursuit of Happiness, or TPOH.  Back in the day, I insisted to him that he see this band because they impressed me so much when my buddy Pete went with me once.  Tim became a hardcore TPOH fan from that day on, and we saw them several times through the years, until the band went on a sabbatical of sorts and disappeared for many years.  They got back together recently to have a reunion show in Toronto to celebrate the release 30 years ago of their debut record "Love Junk".  So Tim shows up this past Christmas, tells me how good a friend I've been along with Janice, reminisces about the old days of seeing TPOH, and drops tickets on us to see the show in Toronto in January, with round trip airfare.  Needless to say, I was aghast and speechless.  He even paid for our hotel and crazily-priced cab fare.  It was a joyful whirlwind trip where we flew up one Saturday morning, saw the show that night, and flew back the next morning.  We went up the CN Tower again, he took us to the Hockey Hall of Fame, we ate at a couple of great places in downtown Toronto, and of course, joyously saw the show, front row, at the Danforth Theatre.  The place was packed and excited, but none more excited I think than us.  Tim's not just a friend, he's my brother.  Though he's younger by four years or so, I'd say he was my big brother.  For whatever reason, he's always looked out for us.  I'm very glad to say that he's very blessed to be with a woman named Marley with whom I pray they've found lifelong happiness with together.  Marley's a bright, ambitious, beautiful woman that I would dare say matches Tim's monstrously gregarious personality.  It's heartening to see them both so happy.

Recently, like a matter of days ago, I got this package in the mail that I had no idea about.  I didn't order anything... did I?  Janice didn't.  Alexandra didn't have anything sent to the house.  So I opened it up, and it was from my buddy/nephew/brother Shawn from Vancouver.  KISS had just begun their "End of the Road" tour there, and they're pulling out all the stops with their new show to say goodbye to their faithful fans (they're just about in their 70s, after all!).  Shawn only found out about the show at the last minute, and being a huge KISS fan himself... because of me, he says... he took some amazing shots with his phone camera where he was super close to the stage, as he lucked out with tickets where they opened up some seats after stage production was settled, and he wound up right beside them.  In this package among many things he sent were great printed photos from the show, some confetti that fell during the finale, and a guitar pick that he caught from Paul Stanley.  What a supremely thoughtful gesture on his part to do that!  I'm going to frame these pictures and the stuff that came with them as a keepsake of sorts from the very first show of the very last tour of my favorite band, and thankfully Shawn himself is in one of these pictures.  How lucky I am to have such people in my life to think of doing things like this.  Actually all my nieces and nephews are an amazing bunch, like their parents.  I'm fortunate to be a part of such a great family.

Something else that we received a little while ago was this mechanism for pain relief that was given to us by Jana, my awesome nephew Chris's wife.  I'm kind of ashamed to say I don't know what to do with it!  And just as ashamed to say that I've been afraid to ask for help about it.  So if you're reading this, Jana, know that we so very incredibly appreciate it so much, that your thoughtfulness is appreciated more than you can know.  I'm guessing she's read my blogs and seen what we go through and wanted to help.  Yet another selfless family member reaching out.  Again, we are so blessed.

My brother Rick's woman, May, has been instrumental in helping us as well.  Speaking for myself, she's helped in getting medication for us that has helped me find restful sleep again, which is extremely important to someone like me with mental illness.  It may be the most important factor, perhaps, in my dealing with it; certainly one of the most important.  May suffers from health issues of her own, so to look past them and reach out to help us is tremendously appreciated.  I can't thank her enough, really.

I have this friend who's an accomplished author, Michelle, who's always stuck by me too.  She keeps offering kind words of assurance and encouragement and advice, and is yet another one who seems to always watch out for me.  As I do for her.  I care for her a great deal.  She's a wonderful human being the likes of which planet earth needs many more of.

Finally, I want to thank my wife for endlessly and unconditionally supporting me through good times and bad times.  I will always do the same for her.  She knows this.  I have an eagle eye on her health and happiness levels and will always and forever do whatever it takes to constantly make things better.  I've said it many times, I am alive today because of her.  If not for her in my life, I'd be long gone.  I'm just as fortunate to have my daughter faithfully protect and defend us at the first sign of need. 

And thank you, family and friends, for keeping me in your thoughts and your prayers.  Thank you for your patience with me and for being so loyal.  I appreciate and love every one of you.

Till next time, fire up the colortinis and watch the pictures as they fly through the air!

And have a good day, week, month, year and life.