Sunday, May 26, 2019

Darkness and Light

I hear it's Mental Health Awareness Month.  Being a person who's dealt with mental health issues all of his life, I wanted to throw in my own thoughts on the issue.

Firstly, "Awareness".... it's not really the appropriate term.  Not to me.  Everyone knows about the issues surrounding mental health illness and its pervasiveness.  The real, true issue is the lack of action taken with it.  There's lots of talk, lots of corporations (I'm looking at YOU, Bell Canada) getting kudos for raising so-called awareness about it and trumpeting how much cash they're throwing at it, but from what I can see, few benefiting from it, other than the businesses getting all kinds of publicity because of their grandstanding on the subject.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm glad people are talking about it more.  I'm glad the stigma is coming down.  I'm glad that more people take it a lot more seriously now than they used to, say, when I was a teen back in the 80's, when no one would blink an eye at the word concussion because they didn't think they were all that bad.  I had several of them in my teen years.  Clearly, today medical professionals would keep an eagle eye on someone who's gone through something like that.  Me in the 80's?  Not so much.

Concussions are a big deal now in the sports world.  Namely football, hockey and pro wrestling.  This month a lot of discussion is being made over the death of a young female wrestler named Ashley Massaro, who broke into the WWE through a talent competition many years ago.  Her career was dotted with an array of concussions, and subsequently, she joined a class action lawsuit against WWE over consequences related to those injuries, holding the company liable for not taking better care of their talent.  She suffered from depression, mental lapses and suicidal thoughts, and ultimately took her own life, leaving behind a young daughter and countless supportive colleagues in the pro wrestling world.  This re-ignited discussion on the care, or lack of it, being taken in sports, or for that matter, life in general.  My concussions never arose from sports injuries, for example.  But, I experienced similar, if not identical, symptoms as Massaro had.

I don't think I need to write much about the correlation between concussions and mental illness, as pretty much everyone knows the major connections.  My concussions didn't end with my teens.  There were others that occurred in the following years, but they were brought on by self-inflicted injuries because of the those troubles I had in my formative years.  To this day I deal with self-harm issues.  Perhaps not as frequent in this present day, thanks to medications that are actually working, but as little as two months ago, I suffered from suicidal thoughts.  I brought this to the attention of my physician and psychiatrist, both.  My wife was in attendance with these professionals when I saw them.  So what actions did they take?

How about a big fucking fat nothing?  Not even a follow-up appointment.  THIS is the state of mental health treatment in the world today, at least in these parts.  There's actually a sign in my psychiatrist's office waiting area that states not all treatments are covered by medicare.  That's pretty damn encouraging, isn't it?  If I had a broken bone, a major cut, even a bruise on my head, I'd be seen promptly and given treatment.  Now, when I proclaim to my doctors what happened in my past and my suspicions that it contributes to my illness today, I get a proverbial shrug like they're questioning whether I'm telling the truth or not.  I've experienced the same in the past with friends and family.  This is maddening.  But that's where we are right now.

There are plenty of people who would say, "well, you're dealing with it at least, good for you!"  Self awareness of it is a major, massive first step, but it's a step I took back in 1996 with the birth of my daughter.  It was then when I went through some wicked self-harm incidents that I realized I need to get better for my daughter and my wife.  I must note, I was never abusive toward anyone else.  It was always to myself.  Through the years, I was plagued with self-loathing and an extreme lack of self-confidence.  That hasn't waned, either.  Indeed, it may have worsened.  I continue to battle it daily.  It ebbs and flows, and I have to deal with it whenever it rears its ominous, ugly head.  I've stated many, many times, if it weren't for my wife and daughter, I would not be alive today.  That is 100% true.

Thank God I have the understanding of those two.  I'm certainly a handful to deal with sometimes.  I try to keep things in check, like putting myself down in front of others and insulting myself, but the fact is that I'm literally ill.  I will be till the day I pass.  I just have to keep looking for ways to deal with it.

When I say I'm a handful, I mean I am with everyone.  I can be a jerk (read:  I think I AM a jerk), and that's something I'm working on especially recently.  Over the years, I know how opinionated I was, and it's only in the last several months that I've come to see things through the eyes and ears of those I see and talk to.  I hate having my feelings hurt.  Why would anyone else be different?  Realizing this made me re-evaluate myself as a person in a major way.  I think that's a good thing.  The bad thing is, it has the potential to bring on more self-hatred.  It's very tricky.

With Mental Health Awareness, it's good that focus is on the young and women, but the truth of the matter is it's a human issue.  I don't believe people should be categorized and grouped into neat little boxes for the sake of statistics.  Mental illness is something that needs to be attacked head-on without discrimination.  And I say especially mental health, because if there's too much focus on one group than the others, that sends a message to the others that they don't matter as much.  I sure as hell feel that way.  I'm a 53 year old male, and my category isn't talked about at all.  And I don't want my category talked about.  I want the entire problem to be handled and addressed, without bias or priority.  It's the fairest and most responsible approach for all victims of mental illness.

I participated with my wife in a corporate sponsored run open to the public that donated funds to, among other women's issues, women's mental health.  This might make me sound hypocritical, except that I know that the funds raised do for a fact go to a local women's shelter.  I applaud that kind of effort to combat such challenges facing women in these modern times.  I only wish that those outside the limiting parameters of such fundraising could benefit from these kinds of things as well.  You don't see a lot of active causes raising awareness for middle-aged victims of mental illness, for example.  At all.

But I digress.  It shouldn't be about isolating one group that seems to be affected more than another.  For that matter, all the fundraising that happens continentally didn't seem to help the likes of Massaro much, if at all.  Ignorance seems to have taken the top spot on the podium in that case, as is all too common.  To those struggling to find help and understanding, it's incredibly frustrating.  We keep hearing, "speak up!  Talk about it!  Get help!"  I don't know how long Massaro sought help for her condition - probably a long time.  But I do know I tried in vain to see a psychiatrist for years... over a decade, almost two... only to feel like I'm being rebuffed, despite getting some help with appropriate medication.  These are the challenges men, women and children face when we try to make people listen to us.  We do speak up.  We do talk.  We do get help.  But all too much, it's like trying to break through a concrete wall with a plastic spoon.

I'm not trying to say to others that you need to treat people with mental illness with kid gloves or walk on eggshells.  I'm only trying to point out that care needs to be taken when it comes to common sense observations.  Exclusion is one of my biggest enemies.  If I'm shunned or left out of something, even if it were short-sighted, it ignites doubt in my self worth and how much I matter.  Whether it be a gathering of friends or family where I'd most often be invited; even if I didn't go, it counts in a big way to be thought of, at least.  I've dealt with exclusion a lot over the years, but it doesn't get easier.  It may even be getting worse.  I don't blame those that don't want me around.  I've mentioned I realize I'm a handful!  But it also signals that I'm not worth dealing with.  And I get it.  I can be quiet and reserved, perhaps not terribly outgoing, I hate talking on the phone with a passion, etc.  You might say I'm only asking to be shunned.  Or, if you knew what I struggled with, you might see me differently.  I'm a wide open book when it comes to my depression and anxiety.  I tell everyone in my challenge to help me defy the consequences of what can become of my behavior.  But it might be a failing strategy.  Perhaps speaking up, talking about it and getting help doesn't work at all?  If not, then what does?

In the end, I do still implore those with depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses to seek out help and talk about it with loved ones and professionals.  I did find at least two people that listened, with my wife and daughter.  My boss at work understands somewhat.  Sometimes even my doctors listen.  My point is, if you don't try at all, you're guaranteed to not make any traction.

If you know someone suffering from any of this, I invite you to be a lamp post on that long, dark road.  The more light that's shed on that path, the less likely the car is to go off the rails.