Boy, is it ever tough to find help for this mental illness crap. I'm getting stonewalled at every turn, and I'm getting beyond frustrated. I'm even willing to pay for it, and I'm STILL getting stonewalled.
But I did get to see a psychologist in '17, for three sessions, before my coverage ran out. So it didn't yield a lot of results. However, there was one assignment I was given that I kept, and just found in my drafts in my e-mail folder just today. It touched my soul, again. The assignment was to write a letter to my 12 year old self. If I could talk to him, what would I say?
So I invite you to share in my very personal story that I shared only with my wife and psychologist up to now.
Thanks for coming to read. Be good to yourselves.
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Dear Michael,
I know Dad just died. You haven't really grieved; maybe you don't know how to. Maybe you don't know what just hit you yet. Something I have to tell you, though, as you will find out in the years ahead, is that Dad's dying isn't your fault.
You watched Mom and how upset she was that morning when she found Dad lifeless in his bed. You saw him too. When you heard about him sitting on the curb on the street in front of the McGivney's house down the street the day before he died, it was because he was troubled by things going on. Dad had a hard life that you don't know about. The things you saw in your short, but perhaps long at times 12 years, are things a 12 year old should not have to endure. No normal kid should have to go through this.
I know the attention that you got from Dad was nice, and he wasn't really very mean to you, but he lost his cool with your mom, brothers and sisters a lot. Don't feel guilty about this. Perhaps Dad realized that it was wrong all along, and that that sort of thing could not go on. Still, I know you witnessed him abusing your brothers and sisters and your Mom. That all comes from a place in Dad that he didn't have much control over, because of his experience in the war, losing his brother overseas, among so many other things. Dad was simply overwhelmed and didn't have the tools to deal with things then that are available later.
You have to know as you grow from this point forward, that none of it was your fault! You're just a little boy, trying to learn and find his way through life. You're about to experience your teen years without a father. If Dad were alive and you had to live with those conditions through your teen years, it might be worse, for both of you. The fact is, Mom is there, and she's stronger than anyone you will ever know in your whole life. And you need to also be there for her. And you will be.
As the years come, you will experience some trouble relating to some people. It's only because of those first 12 years you went through with your family. They will all be there for you, and you need to have patience with some of them. After all, they are dealing with many issues relating to Dad that you won't, or can't, know about. Mom tried all she could to help, and she will be there for you. You will also be there for her.
Don't be hard on yourself when other kids come down on you or fail to understand what you've gone through, because they all also have their own stories to tell that may never get told. It's why there are bullies. Not everyone has a mother as strong as yours.
The fact that you've been sexually abused is making you question your masculinity, and it will for years. You have to know, that person who did that to you also was abused. That person is a victim, too, who doesn't have a clue how to deal with what happened to them. That person will also be okay, and believe it or not, you will too. 'X' did not ask for what happened. Neither did you when X took it out on you. But that cycle of abuse will stop with the both of you, because you will both become heroes in spite of what you endured. Heroes because you halted the cycle of violence and abuse.
It may seem like your sister is cruel to you, but in fact, she's likely just acting out from the abuse she's endured from Dad. She will grow out of it. I know it's asking a lot to endure your teen years in front of you, because they may be a bit tougher than some of the other average teens. But you are strong and resilient, and will come out as a stronger adult in spite of the rough times you've had. You will understand others so much more.
Lastly... don't be afraid to grieve over Dad. It's not something you've had to 'learn' to do, and you shouldn't have to. But it's healthier, and will help you to understand life a lot more. Don't worry so much about your grades in school -- just don't quit, because Mom doesn't want you to. An angel will come into your life later on to make everything right and reward you for your patience and love for everyone else. You will marry her and be much happier than you've ever been.
Be tough, Michael, because you ARE tough. More than you know; perhaps more than you ever will know.
Love,
Yourself, 51
