Sunday, May 29, 2011

slip sliding away

Summer's looking like it might be a bit disappointing isn't it?  For the last month, all we've really seen is rain.  As I type this, the skies are threatening it.  Wind, clouds, the whole nine yards.  It's Sunday afternoon right now, and I'm lying in bed with my beautiful wife, my kid's in the shower, and the big plan of the day is to go underwear shopping.  I've lost so much weight that my drawers are slipping off.  I haven't actually tried losing weight, it just happened.  I'm not what you call one of those weight conscious individuals, until I reach 190, then I panic.  I was that much once, back in the '90s.  Currently I'm 172.  Pounds of course.

The state of the Belmont faction of the Cooks is just fine.  Not that anyone would contest that.  Alexandra's nearing the end of her school year, and she'll come through grade 9 without a problem.  Let me tell you, that kid ....  I don't know quite how to describe her.  I may be biased, I know that, but she is one of the smartest kids of that age that I've ever known.  She's very aware.  Maybe she doesn't get the marks in school that would reflect that description completely, but to know her is to realize what I'm saying.  She feels like no other 15 year old feels.  I'm thankful she's inherited her mom's brains and intelligence, and I'm a bit wary that she's inherited her old man's soft heart.  But that also makes her a whole lot more mature than most, no matter the age.  There are times that I know she acts like a 15 year old, when she challenges authority and rebels, but she doesn't do that near as much as your typical teenager.  She's loyal to us, her parents, and I think the fact that we are a tight knit little family is why she's been allowed to grow as a person.  We couldn't be prouder parents.  Soon, Lex will embark on a new job at the store I work at as a student pharmacy assistant, which, who knows?  May lead to bigger things in that field.  I know she will thrive there.  I'm proud of her and I'm anxious to see her continue to grow as a contributing member to society.

My wife ought to be an inspiration to anyone with chronic illness.  Most who meet her could never tell that she has anything wrong with her.  But she continues to defy the odds of how someone affected by psoriatic and rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, underactive thyroid, psoriasis, and numerous digestive issues, should react to life.  She's fought and won all of it.  She has her days.  There are times when she doesn't want to get out of bed or go to work, much less go to the gym, but she finds it in herself to do it, because she knows the benefits outweigh the pain and the suffering.  I challenge anyone to keep up with her gym activity.  Even if she had nothing wrong with her healthwise, she still outperforms most or all women her age and even most of those younger.  She lifts weights with me (heavy weights, not those little one piece dumbells that barely weigh the same as a soup can), tears off like a bat out of hell on elliptical machines and treadmills, and stretches plenty enough so that she can still kick my ass in a wrestling match when she has to!  Brainwise, she keeps her post office busy and constantly accelerates business there with the best service of any P.O. outlet there is.  I challenge anyone to find a better one.  She gives a shit about the service she provides and is actually concerned about her customers' satisfaction; she comes home and tells me often how glad she is that she's made someone happy.  It's what she lives for.  She's a hard-ass when she needs to be, and tempers that with the tenderness of what everyone wants a wife and mother to be.  She's the voice of reason in this household.

So what do I provide, you ask.  Or better yet, what would I say I provide.

I provide a challenge.  I'm a victim of multiple head injuries in my lifetime, most of which occurred at a very young age, which has compromised my ability to reason at times, I believe.  I'm not providing excuses for my errant behaviors.  But I've been known to 'shut down' when times get tough on me sometimes, because I don't know how else to deal with things.  I even went to a psychologist last summer to try to figure myself out.  I have, and I will, fiercely defend my family and my better friends, and do whatever it takes to help them get over anything.  But I have a very bad tendency to never defend myself.  I will endure attacks and criticisms.  I'm a black belt in taekwondo, but if I ever have to use it in self defense, I likely won't if it doesn't involve protecting someone else, although if I'm being honest I'm dying to use it to knock someone's block off who desperately needs it.  There is one particular kick I can utilize that can put someone of any size in the hospital for real.  Or the morgue if I'm not careful.  But if it involves someone I know, I'm likely the one that'll get hurt.  I'm antisocial and actually afraid to mingle if it involves women, and won't get involved in anything that involves macho behavior, which essentially makes me an introvert in a family that loves getting out.  I guess that's why I love the internet as much as I do, as it's my best forum for expression and communication.  I don't have to haul my dick out for a pissing contest. And women can't physically pin me down and command me to tell them what I'm feeling (although the first half of that can actually be fun).  So yes... I'm a challenge.  I don't particularly think I'm a treat to be around, especially without Janice by my side.  I'm a lousy host on my own, oversensitive and have minimal verbal skills which I make up for in, you guessed it, writing.  If you want to get me alone, especially if you're a woman, better lock me in somewhere because I'll run.  And I'm a slippery guy.

You have to be wondering why I even bothered with this blog.  Well, it's been a rough few days for me really, and I guess this is just therapeutic.  I don't take all that well to jokes about my sexuality.  I don't take well to being back-burnered, and I don't want anyone thinking they can change me.  If you ignore me, I will take offense.  I am what I am.  I feel what I feel.  A lot of people are just like me.  Not all of us will admit to the things I just admitted to.  I've got little or no self confidence---though I thought that was on the upswing, it was just a bit of a phase.  Welcome to.... me.

Lastly I'm not a fan of talking about myself a whole lot, so I'm going to go back to the Random Thoughts thing soon enough.  It's more fun and escapist.  :)

Thanks for dropping in and enduring!  Hope you have a rockin' summer.

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