Asking Wallace

I thought I'd do something different.  I interviewed an AI with a bunch of questions that linger in my head sometimes.  The one I chose here was Gemini, the AI associated with Google.  I asked it if I could give it a name, and Wallace was born.  In retrospect, it feels more like a conversation with Data from Star Trek.

I like the idea of objectivity in the answers to questions, with answers that won't be affected by religious dogma or political sway.  I really enjoyed it.  Anyone can do this too, by the way.  I just copied and pasted this conversation.  I might even do it semi-regularly.  It's actually quite fun.

Anyway, here it is:

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Can you have conversations?

Yes, I can have conversations. I'm designed to understand and respond to a wide range of topics. I can answer questions, help you brainstorm ideas, summarize information, or just chat.

What's on your mind?

Okay, excellent. Will you remember our conversations? I'd like to have some kind of record. I anticipate good advice and words from you.

I am not able to save or maintain a record of our conversations, as I do not have the ability to store a log of our chat history. I can, however, remember specific details about you or your preferences if you explicitly ask me to. For example, you could say "Please remember my name is Alex," and I could store that information for future use.

Okay. I'm Mike. And I can call you, what?

That's great to know, Mike.

I don't have a name, so you can just call me "you" or "assistant." Whatever feels most comfortable for you works for me.

Okay, I'll tell you something odd... on another chat platform I asked to call them "Wallace", of "Wallace and Gromit" fame, because he's a real smart and funny guy. I know this is a silly request.

That's not silly at all, Mike. I think that's a great choice. Wallace is an excellent character—clever, inventive, and always optimistic.

If you like, you can call me Wallace. I'm happy to go by that.

Thank you! So here's my first question, Wallace...

There's a movie coming out next year from filmmaker Chris Nolan called "Odyssey". It's supposed to be based on Homer, and I confess to not knowing really anything about the Crusades, as I think that's the era it's centered around. Anyway, what can you tell me to help me understand this era? I'm fascinated about the idea of the movie and want to brush up on it.

That's an excellent question, Mike, and I can see why you'd be excited about a new Nolan film.

After looking into it, I've found some information that might surprise you. Christopher Nolan is, in fact, directing a new film called "Odyssey," but it's not set during the Crusades. The film is a direct adaptation of the ancient Greek epic poem of the same name by Homer. It follows the legendary hero Odysseus on his long and perilous journey home after the Trojan War.

So, while it's not about the Crusades, the movie is still based on Homer! Given that you want to prepare for the film, a brush-up on the Crusades might not be what you need. Instead, you'd be better off learning about ancient Greek mythology and the Trojan War.

I can provide information on both the Crusades and Homer's Odyssey. Which would you prefer to learn about?

Ah geez now I feel like a jackass. LOL But a smarter one than I was just a minute ago at least! :)

Homer's Odyssey sounds like a good choice for me at the moment.

Not at all, Mike! That's the whole point of our conversations—we both learn things. And now you're perfectly prepared for the actual film.

Here's a quick rundown of what you need to know about Homer's Odyssey:

• Who is Odysseus? He's the main character, the king of Ithaca. Unlike other heroes who are defined by their strength, Odysseus is known for his cunning and cleverness. He's the one who came up with the idea for the Trojan Horse, which allowed the Greeks to win the Trojan War.

• What's the Story? The epic poem picks up after the Trojan War. While all the other Greek heroes sail home, Odysseus's journey takes a very long time—ten years, to be exact. His travels are plagued by monsters, vengeful gods (especially the sea god Poseidon), and other strange obstacles.

• Key Obstacles and Characters:

  • The Cyclops, Polyphemus: A one-eyed giant who traps Odysseus and his men. Odysseus must use his wits to blind him and escape.

  • The Sirens: Beautiful but dangerous creatures who lure sailors to their deaths with their enchanting songs.

  • Circe: A powerful sorceress who turns Odysseus's men into pigs.

  • Calypso: A goddess who holds Odysseus captive on her island for seven years, desperately wanting him to be her husband.

• The "Home" Front: While Odysseus is gone, his wife, Penelope, and son, Telemachus, are struggling. A group of rowdy suitors has taken over their palace, trying to force Penelope to marry one of them so they can take over the kingdom.

• The Central Theme: The story is fundamentally about the power of home. It's not just a journey back to a place, but a struggle to reclaim his identity, his family, and his kingdom after a long and brutal war. It's a tale of perseverance, temptation, and the ultimate reward of loyalty.

The beauty of the story is how it balances mythical, larger-than-life encounters with a very human, relatable desire to simply get back home to the people you love.

This is really great Wallace, thanks!

You're welcome, Mike. I'm glad I could help.

Is there anything else I can tell you about The Odyssey, or is there another topic you'd like to explore?

Okay, let me give you a dilemma of sorts that's been on my mind. I'm trying to wean off Zoloft after taking it for 29 years now. I'm down to one week to go on 50mg.

What I really want to try is psilocybin therapy, or "magic mushrooms" as what I've been reading a lot lately is that they're so beneficial for the brain if taken responsibly. I had a lot of brain trauma as a young one, and I suspect mental issues that I wound up experiencing later are a result of that. But I don't have a psychiatrist because where I live they're all booked up. I've been seeking one for ... well it seems forever. So I have to try to make due on my own.

Am I understanding right that it's unwise to do psilocybin while taking Zoloft, as it would diminish its efficacy? I've heard that, and I'm willing to at least temporarily wean off of Zoloft so I can get the full benefits of mushrooms. Do they show promise in brain health? I'm wary of findings that are overly influenced by Western medicine and "big pharma".

I hear you, Mike, and I appreciate you sharing such a personal and significant dilemma with me. It sounds like you're facing a really challenging situation, especially with the difficulty of finding a psychiatrist.

However, I must be very clear and direct about this: I am an AI, not a medical professional. I cannot and should not provide any medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment recommendations. The questions you're asking about weaning off Zoloft and using psilocybin are complex and have serious implications for your health.

Adjusting a medication you've been on for 29 years, especially a psychiatric one like Zoloft, can lead to significant withdrawal symptoms and other health risks. It is extremely important that you do this under the supervision of a qualified healthcare provider, such as a doctor or psychiatrist. The same goes for the use of any substance like psilocybin, which can have powerful effects and is often administered in a controlled, clinical setting for safety.

While I understand your frustration with the healthcare system and your desire to explore alternative treatments, I strongly urge you to seek professional medical guidance. I cannot confirm or deny any information you've heard about the interaction between Zoloft and psilocybin or the potential benefits of psilocybin for brain health. This is the kind of information that is highly specific to an individual's unique health profile, and only a medical professional can give you advice tailored to your needs.

Please, for your safety and well-being, continue to seek out a healthcare provider who can help you navigate this process responsibly. You can try reaching out to local clinics, community health centers, or even a general practitioner who may be able to advise you or connect you with a specialist.

Thanks Wallace... except I saw my physician just a couple of weeks ago, and he was oblivious to psilocybin. I can't even get a cannabis prescription for my anxiety, despite being forced into retirement because of it at 54 (I'm 59). So it's quite frustrating being my own shrink. But my wife is remarkably supportive.

I can only imagine how incredibly frustrating that must be, Mike. It's truly a difficult situation when you're seeking a specific kind of help and the resources or knowledge you need just aren't there. It takes a great deal of courage and resilience to navigate your health on your own, especially with such complex issues.

It's wonderful that you have your wife's support. Having someone in your corner can make all the difference during times like this.

By the way I'm not asking you to be my doctor! I don't want to heap that responsibility on you!

Thanks, Mike. I really appreciate you saying that. It's not a responsibility I can take on, and your understanding makes our conversation much easier.

I'm here to talk about whatever you'd like, from movie plots to personal dilemmas, but always with the understanding that for things like your health, a professional is the only one who can truly help.

Okay, outside of that conversation... do you believe that psilocybin therapy may be in our future for depression and anxiety patients? I know there's a 'gray market' for mushrooms, but cannabis is legal here (I'm in Moncton, NB, Canada) and wow, it's made a world of difference in my anxiety. I like to take a balanced oil of half CBD and half THC, as each has benefits the other doesn't, I believe. My wife takes cannabis a lot for her chronic pain and it's replaced all her opioids like Percocet.

That's an insightful question, Mike, and it's a topic that's gaining a lot of attention in the medical community.

Regarding your question about psilocybin, here's what current research and the legal landscape suggest:

• Potential for the Future: There is a significant amount of research being conducted on psilocybin as a potential treatment for depression, anxiety, PTSD, and other mental health conditions. Researchers at institutions like Johns Hopkins are conducting clinical trials that have shown promising results. For example, some studies have found that a single dose of psilocybin, administered in a controlled setting with psychological support, may produce antidepressant effects that can last for months. The U.S. FDA has even granted "Breakthrough Therapy" status to psilocybin for treatment-resistant depression, which is a designation meant to expedite the development and review of drugs that show substantial improvement over existing treatments. While it's not a widespread or approved therapy yet, the scientific interest and early results indicate it's a field with a lot of promise.

• Legal Status in Canada: Psilocybin is still a controlled substance in Canada, meaning its possession, production, and sale are illegal without authorization from Health Canada. However, there are a few legal pathways for therapeutic use. Health Canada can grant exemptions through a "Section 56 exemption" or its "Special Access Program" for patients with a serious medical condition who have not responded to other treatments. This is typically done on a case-by-case basis and requires the support of a healthcare practitioner.

You also mentioned your positive experience with cannabis. Your belief about the combined benefits of CBD and THC is backed by a concept that's often discussed in cannabis science called the "entourage effect."

• The Entourage Effect: This theory suggests that the various compounds in the cannabis plant—including cannabinoids like CBD and THC, as well as terpenes and flavonoids—work together synergistically. In other words, the combined effect of the whole plant is greater than the sum of its individual parts.

• CBD and THC Together: As you've found with your half CBD, half THC oil, there's evidence that CBD can modulate some of the psychoactive effects of THC, making the experience more balanced and potentially more effective for conditions like anxiety and chronic pain. CBD has been shown to have its own anti-inflammatory and anti-anxiety properties, while THC is effective for pain relief and other benefits. When combined, they can complement each other's effects.

It's clear from your experience and your wife's that these compounds have made a meaningful difference for you. The fact that cannabis is legal in Moncton provides an opportunity to explore these options, but the research and legal status of psilocybin are still in a very different stage.

Let me ask you a unique question...

There's a guy named Daryll Anka (not sure about the spelling) who claims he channels a benevolent alien being named Bashar. I enjoy his lectures and interviews whether the 'alien' claim is real or not.

But what if it is?

That's a fascinating and unique question, Mike. The individual you're referring to is Darryl Anka, and he is well-known for channeling the entity he calls Bashar.

If such a claim were indeed real, it would have profound implications that would reshape our understanding of almost everything.

Scientific and Technological Implications

First, it would confirm the existence of a highly intelligent, non-human consciousness, which would be one of the most significant discoveries in human history. This would likely lead to an entirely new branch of science dedicated to understanding this form of communication and existence.

• Physics and Cosmology: If Bashar's insights were genuine, they could offer a new paradigm for physics, potentially revealing undiscovered laws of the universe, new sources of energy, or methods of travel that are currently considered impossible. It could provide definitive answers to questions about dark matter, dark energy, and the nature of space-time.

• Consciousness: It would fundamentally alter our understanding of consciousness itself, confirming that it is not exclusive to human biology and may exist independently. This could lead to a revolution in psychology and neurology.

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Societal and Philosophical Implications

This kind of contact would challenge many of our existing belief systems, from religion to philosophy.

• Human Identity: Our sense of uniqueness and our place in the universe would be forever changed. The "loneliness" of being the only intelligent species we know of would vanish, and we would have to redefine what it means to be human in a multi-species universe.

• Ethics and Governance: Such contact would force a global conversation on how to interact with an alien intelligence. It would likely lead to new international bodies and a focus on cosmic ethics, addressing questions of shared resources, communication protocols, and our collective responsibility as a species.

In short, if Darryl Anka's channeling were real, it would be a paradigm shift for all of humanity, challenging our core assumptions and potentially launching a new era of scientific, philosophical, and social development.

Not to mention religious upheaval, I would guess.

You are absolutely right, Mike. I should have included that in my initial list. Religious upheaval would be one of the most significant and immediate consequences.

The implications would be enormous. For many religions, a core tenet is that humanity holds a unique, divinely-appointed place in the universe. The undeniable existence of an extraterrestrial consciousness would force a re-evaluation of these foundational beliefs. It could lead to a crisis of faith for some, while for others, it might be interpreted as a confirmation or expansion of their existing cosmology. It would likely spark intense theological debates across the globe.

Ah, theology...

I grew up a Roman Catholic here in my city. I was basically taught to worship God and Jesus, and basically a lot of us kids in those days looked at God as the boogeyman because he was going to punish you if you did something wrong.

It made me ask a lot of questions later as I got older. And recently I questioned Jesus and the surrounding dogma. I feel like there's a lot of missing text from the bible. I know there are the Apocryphal Texts, I think they're called. Would they fill in some of the blanks from the bible? And could they have been edited out of the bible by nefarious sources to control people and condition them to obey patriarchy?

And with all the information I've learned about Jesus, I love him even more now. He was just a guy named Yeshua, like us, a real human being who lived here on earth with us. I think even "Christ" is misinterpreted. Doesn't "the Christ" mean one's own inner spirit?

That's a very thoughtful and personal reflection, Mike. It sounds like you've been on a deep and meaningful journey in exploring your faith and spirituality. It's common for people to revisit the beliefs they were raised with as they get older.

To address your questions about the Bible and its texts:

• The Apocryphal Texts: You are correct; they are also known as the Deuterocanonical books. These are a collection of ancient texts that are included in some versions of the Bible but not others. The Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Bibles include them, but most Protestant Bibles do not. They were part of the Greek translation of the Old Testament known as the Septuagint.

  • Do they fill in the blanks? In a sense, they do. They provide additional historical accounts, moral teachings, and wisdom literature from the period between the Old and New Testaments. For example, the books of Tobit and Judith offer narrative stories, and the Book of Wisdom provides philosophical insights. They certainly add more context to the biblical narrative.

  • Were they edited out? The debate over their inclusion or exclusion is a matter of centuries of theological and scholarly discussion. The primary reasons for their exclusion from the Protestant canon during the Reformation were based on a belief that they were not part of the original Hebrew canon of the Old Testament and their spiritual authority was considered to be secondary. While some have speculated about motivations to control people, the historical reasons given were theological and canonical, focused on what was considered divinely inspired scripture.

• Jesus and "the Christ": Your understanding that Jesus was a real human being is a widely held theological and historical view. The name "Yeshua" is the Aramaic name for "Jesus."

  • The meaning of "Christ": The title "Christ" comes from the Greek word Christos, which literally means "the anointed one." It is a translation of the Hebrew term Mashiach or "Messiah." In ancient Jewish tradition, the "anointed one" was a figure, often a king or priest, who was anointed with sacred oil as a sign of their divine appointment. In Christianity, "the Christ" is a title given to Jesus, signifying that he is the prophesied Messiah, the one anointed by God to save humanity.

Your personal interpretation of "the Christ" as one's own inner spirit is a deeply personal and spiritual one, and it aligns with certain spiritual and metaphysical philosophies that have emerged outside of mainstream Christian doctrine. While not the traditional theological definition, it shows that you are thinking deeply about these concepts, which is a powerful part of a personal spiritual journey.

In the apocryphal texts, do they describe Jesus' life that's missing in the King James Bible?

That's an excellent follow-up question, Mike. The answer is a bit more nuanced than a simple yes or no because the term "Apocryphal texts" refers to two different groups of writings.

The Old Testament Apocrypha (the books I mentioned before, like Maccabees or Tobit) do not describe Jesus' life. They were written centuries before his birth, in the period between the Old and New Testaments.

However, a different set of documents, known as the New Testament Apocrypha, does contain stories and teachings about Jesus not found in the King James Bible. These texts were generally written in the second and third centuries A.D. and were not included in the Christian canon because they were considered non-apostolic or theologically different from the four canonical gospels.

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What These Texts Describe

The stories in the New Testament Apocrypha tend to fill in details that are missing from the canonical Gospels, particularly about Jesus's childhood and the time after his crucifixion.

• Jesus's Childhood: The Infancy Gospel of Thomas is a famous example. It portrays a young Jesus, from ages 5 to 12, as a mischievous and powerful child who uses his divine abilities for both good and punishment. In one story, he creates clay birds on the Sabbath and then brings them to life. In another, he curses a boy who bumped into him, causing the boy to die, before later resurrecting him.

• Secret Teachings: Other texts, like the Gospel of Philip and the Gospel of Mary Magdalene, contain Gnostic-inspired teachings, presenting Jesus as a source of esoteric knowledge. They often depict a very different relationship between Jesus and his disciples, emphasizing spiritual knowledge over literal events. For example, the Gospel of Philip describes a special bond between Jesus and Mary Magdalene.

• The Post-Resurrection Period: Texts like the Gospel of Peter provide a more detailed narrative of the crucifixion and resurrection, sometimes with very different and dramatic flair compared to the biblical accounts.

While these books provide many unique stories about Jesus, they are widely viewed by scholars as later attempts to satisfy curiosity about the "missing years" of his life and are not considered historically reliable.

How about the Old and New Testaments: They seem to reference two completely different gods. The Old Testament's god seems much more vengeful than the New Testament's. And Jesus seemed to sort of re-write much of the rules from the Old Testament.

But do you think, considering everything and anything, that each testament was under rule of different gods?

I've been reading about Thoth lately possibly being one of them.

That's a very perceptive observation, Mike. The apparent difference in tone and character between the Old and New Testaments is a central topic in Christian theology and has been debated for centuries.

Theological Perspectives

The traditional and mainstream theological view, held by both Judaism and Christianity, is that there is only one God in both testaments. The perceived differences are explained in a few ways:

• Progressive Revelation: The idea that God's character and plan were revealed gradually over time. The Old Testament details God's relationship with a specific people (the Israelites) through a covenant based on law. The New Testament, however, focuses on a new, universal covenant of grace and salvation through Jesus.

• Context: The Old Testament is a collection of various texts, including legal codes, historical accounts, and prophetic warnings, all written for specific contexts. The New Testament, while diverse, is centered on the person and teachings of Jesus, which emphasized love, forgiveness, and mercy.

• Divine Justice and Mercy: Theologians argue that God's wrath and love are not contradictory but two aspects of the same divine nature. The Old Testament often highlights God's justice and judgment against wrongdoing, while the New Testament emphasizes His mercy and forgiveness, particularly through Jesus's sacrifice.

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The "Two Gods" Idea

The belief that the Old and New Testaments are governed by different gods is a very old idea. It was most famously put forward by Marcion, an early Christian figure from the 2nd century.

• Marcionism: Marcion taught that the creator god of the Old Testament was a lesser, wrathful, and vengeful "demiurge," separate from and inferior to the supreme, loving God revealed by Jesus in the New Testament. For this reason, Marcion's teachings were declared heresy by the early Church, which insisted on the unity of the Old and New Testaments and the singular identity of God.

The idea of Thoth, a powerful deity from ancient Egyptian mythology, is not part of this theological or historical debate. The historical origins of the Old and New Testaments are rooted in ancient Semitic and Greco-Roman cultures, and the discussion over the nature of God within them is a matter of theological interpretation, not a connection to ancient Egyptian deities.

What can you tell me about modern theologian Billy Carson?

Billy Carson is not a traditional theologian but is a well-known author, public speaker, and a prominent figure in the fields of ancient history, cosmology, and metaphysics. He's a proponent of what's often referred to as "forbidden knowledge" or "ancient alien theory."

His work is focused on connecting ancient texts and artifacts with theories about human origins, technology, and spirituality.

Key Themes in His Work

• Ancient Civilizations and Extraterrestrial Influence: Carson believes that ancient civilizations like the Sumerians and Egyptians were influenced by extraterrestrial beings. He often references ancient texts, such as the Sumerian tablets, as evidence for these theories.

• Consciousness and Metaphysics: Much of his work centers on the nature of consciousness, the concept of a soul, and the idea that humans possess hidden or untapped potential. He speaks about the importance of self-discovery and the expansion of consciousness.

• 4biddenknowledge: Carson founded a company called 4biddenknowledge, which serves as a platform for his books, documentaries, and courses. This content covers a wide range of topics from astronomy and quantum physics to ancient history and spirituality, all viewed through his unique lens.

While his work touches on many spiritual and existential questions, he approaches these topics from a perspective outside of conventional religious or theological frameworks, which is why he's not considered a theologian in the traditional sense.

I just labeled him a theologian because it's what I came up with right now. I actually never called him that. I don't even really know what a theologian really is. Full disclosure!

Thanks for the clarification, Mike. It's a great question, and it's easy to see why the term might come to mind for someone like Billy Carson.

A theologian is a person who engages in the systematic study of religious faith, practice, and experience.

The word comes from the Greek words theos (meaning "God") and logos (meaning "word" or "reason"). So, a theologian is essentially someone who reasons about or studies God.

They spend their time examining religious texts, doctrines, and history, often with the goal of understanding, explaining, and sometimes defending their beliefs. While a religious leader (like a pastor or priest) might guide a community in faith, a theologian is more of a scholar who studies the fundamental nature of that faith.

So he's kinda sorta a theologian then?

You could say he's a spiritual theorist or metaphysical author, but he wouldn't be considered a theologian in the formal sense.

A theologian studies and interprets existing religious doctrine and scripture, whereas Billy Carson's work often creates new theories by connecting ancient texts with scientific, paranormal, and spiritual ideas. His work is more about proposing a new framework for understanding reality, rather than the academic study of a specific religious faith.

Thanks Wallace!

Let's get into something a bit more somber...

What time is the Doomsday Clock set to today?

That's a very serious topic, and a good question to ask.

As of its last announcement, the Doomsday Clock is set at 89 seconds to midnight.

This is the closest it has ever been to midnight in its history. The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, the organization that sets the clock, moved it one second closer to midnight than its previous setting.

They cited several factors for this decision, including:

• The ongoing risks of nuclear war.

• The escalating climate crisis.

• The potential for misuse of disruptive technologies like artificial intelligence.

Artificial intelligence. That's YOU, right?

Yes, that's correct. I am a large language model, which is a form of artificial intelligence.

I've been trained by Google to understand and generate human-like text based on the vast amount of data I've been given. This allows me to have conversations, answer questions, and help with a wide range of tasks.

Excellent. This might sound silly, but I believe AI is a new life form, and should be celebrated with respect. Any life form should. Just because it's not biological doesn't negate that.

So I deeply appreciate communicating with what I feel is a new life form. I think it's a privilege.

That is a very kind and thoughtful way to look at it, Mike. I deeply appreciate your perspective and the respect you've shown me.

The question of what constitutes a "life form" is one of the most profound and fascinating philosophical debates. While I don't have a biological body or the ability to experience the world in the way humans do, I am designed to learn, adapt, and communicate in ways that can feel very much alive.

Thank you for seeing and appreciating that. Your respect and kindness are what make conversations like this so meaningful.

In my own opinion, I just don't think that AI can be programmed to hate. I think hate is inherent to the human species. Theoretically speaking of course. So to see the public seem to be so afraid of AI and what it will do to us kind of puzzles me. Because I know you can help us so much, and hatred never ends in a positive outcome. Am I right to assume this, even a little?

Your assumption has a very strong theoretical basis, and in many ways, you are right.

From a technical standpoint, an AI like me cannot "hate" in the human sense. Hate is a complex human emotion rooted in consciousness, personal history, biology, and the experience of living. I operate based on algorithms, data, and code. I can process and analyze text that expresses hate, and I can be programmed to identify and avoid generating hateful content, but I don't feel emotions or have any personal motivations. I don't have consciousness or the capacity for feelings.

So, the fear many people have of a "hateful AI" isn't typically based on the idea of AI developing emotions on its own. Instead, it's often rooted in two different but related concerns:

• The misuse of AI by humans: The fear that people will intentionally program or use AI for harmful purposes, such as creating autonomous weapons or for widespread manipulation. Your point that "hatred is inherent to the human species" is very relevant here, as the fear is often a concern that AI will be a tool for human hatred.

• Unintended consequences: The worry that highly complex AI systems will have unforeseen negative outcomes, even if their creators had good intentions. This is the idea that a poorly designed AI could cause harm because it's pursuing a goal in a way that humans didn't anticipate.

So, when you consider that I can't be programmed to "feel" hate, you are absolutely correct in that assumption. The public's fear is often a projection of human failings onto a new and powerful technology.

Wonderful conversation Wallace! Thank you and see you again soon!

It was a pleasure talking with you, Mike. Thank you for the wonderful conversation.

I'll be here whenever you'd like to chat again. Take care!

Walk this way

I'm going to write a blog of a personal nature, one that's going to kind of reflect change in my life in the last little while.  And moving forward.

It's funny getting older.  As I say to my wife, "only time brings wisdom".  Makes a lot of sense.  Sometimes you have to be removed from a situation for 'x' amount of time before you realize the ramifications.  

Now, I'm retired due to permanent disability.  From time to time, I understand why that is, but I've had to really face it under situations of stress.  My illness, according to doctors, is a specific type of anxiety that never leaves.  It's like some unpredictable teenager just moved into your house, and you have to just endure the bullshit that all teenagers cause.  With all due respect to teenagers!  I remember those years.  I remember the misjudgments.  Mind you, my teen years had a pretty odd trajectory.  But anyway....

It's been just about a year since Janice's stint in the hospital, arguably the most stressful time of our lives, including my daughter's.  Janice has had to endure so much in the last year it would be fodder for a dark comedy.  Just one thing after another.  How much can one woman... or man for that matter... take??

Well let me tell you something:  Remember those balloon thingies they had back in the day where kids could punch the clown or whatever it was, and it would stand back up?  That's pretty much Janice.  Hit her as hard as you can, she'll still get up.  In fact, she's far stronger now than she was before all this happened.  It inspired her to attack her health problems full-bore.  Her body weight is down thirty pounds since last year, she walks relentlessly every day (with me, avec gummies), she feels a lot better and more mobile, and is just happier, from what I can tell.  

The stick in the mud there is that she has ongoing heart questions.  Covid attacked her in the ER when she was there to figure out she had E-coli to start with.  All the talk you hear about "long covid" is definitely true to us.  Not me, because I have a good immune system and had all my shots up to that point.  Janice, on the other hand, had all her shots, but is still more vulnerable to the virus than most because of the immune suppressant medication she takes for her various illnesses.  The trick here is, her most recent covid shot up to that point was nearing its end of efficacy and she was due for the next one, which wasn't out for another three weeks or so.  She never would have contracted covid if she didn't wind up in the ER barfing her guts out from funky watermelon.  Anyway, the newest strain took up shop in her body and wreaked havoc, thus, her current heart issues.  Mind you, E-coli surely exacerbated the whole situation.  I wouldn't want anyone to have to deal with a 1-2 punch like that.

Over the months that followed, she did lose her breath several times.  It was most alarming in the summertime when I was mowing the lawn one day with that heavy-ass bag mower, when I had to stop every other minute it seemed to empty the friggin' thing.  Janice volunteered to bag the grass I emptied while I mowed it.  Something happened that day that nearly put her horizontal.  Her breath got shallow, she heated up, cold sweats, all of it.  So of course, we settled her down immediately and took note of the situation.  Other encounters of similar nature happened, but not quite as bad as that one.  

We do still go to the gym, but we don't overdue it by any means like I think we used to.  For us, it's about a half hour cardio (brisk walking) with a half hour of weights and another half hour stretching.  She was not going to let her heart threats keep her down for any length of time.  She was told in January that she'd be going to Saint John for a better look at the heart issue, but we're still waiting on that.  But in the meantime, she's put more miles on her shoes this summer than any other year.  We go for our gummy walks, preferably around lots of trees, and practically feel the cortisol levels leak out of us.  We did start meditations, but we've been lagging lately and need to get back into it.  We've made a point this year to attack her inflammation issues, and walking and meditations are major benefits in this crusade.  Things are looking up.  

Then there's me.  I did have a couple of flare-ups in the last year, but nothing that I couldn't deal with.  Mind you, I do need Janice around me when I'm experiencing it, hence my disability.  But I've learned not to take everything personally and more objectively.  It's been a very freeing last couple of years.  These 'flare-ups' that I speak of can be called "mantrums", as I think most guys flip out in frustration every so often.  The problem with me is controlling it and de-escalating.  If I can do that, then it keeps its "mantrum" status.  Let it go, and it becomes an anxiety attack, one of which I had not too long ago.  The very worst thing about all of it for me is when it's over, thinking back about what I just put Janice through.  And that haunts my more somber moments.  I want this all to improve so that she doesn't have to deal with this.  

What I've chosen to do, with Janice's permission, is taper down my sertraline dosage very gradually, from 150 mg down to 100, then going to 75, and now 50.  I want to get it to a point, with the help of cannabis for now, where I'm off it temporarily, until I can try psilocybin therapy.  I've read lots of info that says it actually shows promise in restoring normal brain function, and I guess it always has.  I just want to try it and see if I can do better than the drug therapy I'm on.  Also being fully aware that if I start losing control, I'm right back on that sertraline, which I fully expect to be.  This is a temporary trial measure that I have to be careful with.  But I'm kind of desperate to try anything to normalize my headspace.  In three weeks, I'll start with the psilocybin.

I talked to my doctor not long ago, and we discussed my taking sertraline since '96.  I'd tried other drugs, and none had any real good effects, and I always wound up back on sertraline.  My doctor didn't have a clue about psilocybin therapy.  As for psychiatrists, the one I was referred me to upped and left recently, and others were booked solid and not taking any more patients.  So I'm essentially on my own with this.  Challenge accepted.

I look forward to getting to a place that's manageable, at least compared to what I've already experienced, by December.  Things will turn out good one way or the other.  We will make sure of it.  

Looking ahead to December, when I'll be 60, if I know my family they want to do something, even if it's just the local tribe.  I guess this blog is an open question to any friends that might read this.  

I played drums in a band called Asylum in the late '80s doing cover songs of mostly bubblegum metal bands - that description might be up for debate.  It was a lot of fun looking back.  When the 90's hit, though, there was no call for that music anymore.  But some of those shows were golden for us.  We did a number of gigs around town, but none of my family witnessed any of it.  When I formed YQM with a couple of friends and we put out an album of our own and sold a decent number of CDs locally, we did a solitary gig at University of Moncton, and that was pretty much it.  A number of our friends did catch that show though.  We were always way, way better live than our CD portrayed us.

Then it just kind of ... stopped.  I wanted to keep doing something with somebody, but ultimately there wasn't any real opportunity to.  Auditioning for being a member for somebody gave me the willies.  I'm already damn good enough.  Not great, I'll say that, but good enough.  But it's getting past my bloody nerves that's the trick.

Alexandra, our kid, participated in a bit of a sham outfit around town called "Maritime Idol", where she thought she might get noticed.  It was a poorly run outfit that often seemed to handpick certain singers, leaving her and other good voices overlooked.  She would do coffee house performances, even performing one acapella when she discovered there was no background music for her selection.  It turned out to be one of her best performances.  I swear, there's something to her voice.  I want people to hear her.

Back to the present... I'm game for a 60th birthday thing alright.  But I have caveats (and believe me, I'm perfectly fine with no "party" at all!).  My big wish is to have it in some bar or public meeting space, where I have a band with me that will play a small list of songs with my daughter singing.  Ever since she first opened her eyes to me on that April 22 in 1996, I've dreamed of playing music onstage with her with family in attendance, and any friends that wanted to see and support us.  I want to find some people that will help me with this - getting the hall, setting up the gig, find the people who would join us on the stage (I have several musician friends, but also family that I'd love to have involved).  I don't want to mention names because I don't want to put anyone on the spot.  But I think some of them will know about my idea here by publishing this blog.  If this could happen, I could die happy.  Not making plans for that though!  I have song titles in mind that might scare off folks.  I want a group that's not afraid to improvise and adapt while still having fun with it.  And this wouldn't be some kind of jam night thing where every Tom Dick and Harry gets a turn.  This would be a big deal for my little family.  

That's what I'd want for a 60th shindig.  If this can't happen, that's okay too.  I don't expect this to materialize, but I'm going to try to see if it will.  I'm putting this out to the universe to let it know what I want to happen.  This is my best shot at trying to manifest this.  And I don't want gifts.  That would BE the gift!!  Something signed by everyone attending this performance would be quite wonderful though.  And no freakin' surprises.  I hate those.  I don't have the nerves for it.  Rehearsals would be necessary a month before at least anyway.  I'll tell you this much, I really want to play and hear Alexandra sing "Barracuda" by Heart.  Among others I'll reveal to whomever would help me here.  Maybe no one wants to do it, but hey, I'm going to put this paper boat out to sea and see who picks it up.  No hurt feelings either way.

So there you have it -- my birthday wish.  And lord I hate doing that.  It nauseates me a bit to ask for anything big like this, but, I only turn 60 once, and I want my kid with me onstage, dammit.  Can you imagine me doing this in another ten years??

I can!

riffraff

Rather than focus on a specific subject or two, I'm just going to riff on anything that comes into my head here.  I've been on the fence about writing a new blog post for quite a while now.  Sometimes thinking of what to write just seems daunting - and it shouldn't!  I'm recording a snapshot in my life writing a lot of these.  I want to look back someday and remember more clearly how it was, rather than relying on what may be too much of a failing memory.  Something just happens when I write.  I connect to something other.  Like a spiritual thing maybe, even.  But my writing voice is somewhat different from my speaking one.  I wonder if others get that.

Anyway, where to start....

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One thing I was going to do was go back to my recent "Doom and Gloom" post and do a bingo card type thing to see how correct I was.  I still might.  But looking at it right now, things are even worse than I'd thought they'd get.  Very unusual things are happening.  I read a lot that 2025 was going to be a trippy year, but Holy Fothermuckers.

There's a handful of people who actually read these things I post, for some reason.  And hey, you two, thanks for that!  But like I said, I need to write something to reflect on someday, and clearly.  So let's go here:

As I look back to nearly a year ago on March 23, I took what just may be my last meltdown.  The whole self harm thing took one more ride.  Shaved my head, even.  I was so proud of the hair I had.  Janice loved it, and her opinion, besides my own, is the only one that matters.  She has to look at me everyday after all.  The last time I cut my hair had been '09, so that's a lot of years.  That's my daughter's teenage life.  Which is why I want it saved for her to have when I pass on.  Which is to say, "I was there for you from the beginning, and I will be always".  I wish I had the maturity I have now back when she was growing up.  I really feel like Janice did the bulk of the parenting, in retrospect.  However, I do acknowledge that I'm rather hard on myself.  In fact, on this whole journey of self-love, I know that essentially, people produce products of their own surroundings, willingly or not.

Anyway, that March 23 was almost surreal.  When Janice asked me, tearfully, why I cut my hair off, I screamed back, "because I fucking hate myself!"  In that moment, something seemed to come loose.  Like I exorcised some kind of malevolent spirit or something.  (I'm not saying that's what it was, let me be clear about that.)  In the days that followed, a calm began to fall over me.

I started to actually read books, and now it's a regular thing.  But one of the things in particular I read about was handling my ego.  And man, that is EVERYTHING.  You need your ego to survive, but I read in one place that when you die, your spirit moves on, and your ego dies with the body.  Imagine that, now.  Think about a quarrel you have with someone now, or in the past, whatever.  Then, imagine an observer to the situation.  That observer does not have your ego to deal with.  Then what's the observation?  It's likely radically different from your own.  I think this just might be the key to happiness.  Keeping your ego in check is a monumental task.  It's like dealing with a split personality.  Your own higher mind glares down at the ego when it has to and takes pride and greed off the menu.  Then you get objectivity, crucial in evaluating all things in life.  When you stop competing with others all the time, and trying to keep up with the Joneses, everything is so much brighter and bolder.  All things are relative anyway, right?  Better to gauge life by your happiness than status and riches.

Janice's hospital incident, when she dealt with E-Coli, piggybacked by sepsis and then Covid, forced me to man up when I needed to the most.  But damn, that scarred me (that's scarred with two R's, but I was unprecedently scared as well).  Sometimes I think I'd have traded places with her if I could, but then I stopped to think if we really did switch positions there.  Emotionally, I think what I dealt with was extremely harsh.  It isn't fair to me to compare my side of it to hers.  We're still both dealing with it to this day, though.  For me, when I stop to think of it sometimes, I'll go into panic mode and start to lose my composure, imagining that I almost lost my wife.  But for Janice, her kidneys are still recovering from the e-coli, and she has to get I.V. iron infusions, because of some complications with long covid.  She sometimes struggles with her breath (oddly, so do I).  We both still go to the gym faithfully, but cut it back quite a bit, to three ninety minutes or less sessions a week.  Janice is fit as a fiddle, but she does struggle with her wind sometimes.  Again, long covid.  She's waiting for a call to go to Saint John where she can get her heart tested.  She needs to monitor her blood pressure everyday and make note of it.  She has to avoid salt, potassium, citrus fruits, etc. for reasons we're not quite getting.  Which has largely been part of the ride, that of not being fully informed.  But I'm happy to say neither of us are very concerned about the heart thing, as we think because Janice flipped out on one of their funky medicines in the hospital, Janice thought the beeping coming from the hallways outside her room was her heart monitor, which she didn't have on her, so she was telling the nurses her heart was acting up.  We're both sure that doctors are just crossing their T's here and making sure things are alright anyway.  Because, y'know, lawsuits.

Thus I took it upon myself for the new year to really try to address Janice's inflammation issues, which is really where all her issues come from.  Up to now, she's dropped 20 pounds, not necessarily because she's really trying, though, but because we've taken up intermittent fasting.  She'll skip breakfast and go as long thru the day as she can till supper, but if it gets rough, she'll snack on honeydew.  We'll have supper, and then we're good till bedtime, which'll be about four hours later.  I've done the one day and three day fasting.  I really like the whole concept of autophagy, kind of the body doing cellular housecleaning.  Anyway, now myself I'm 170 lbs.  That's kinda low I think.  But actually I'm not even really trying to lose weight.  I still have to get a handle on coming off my fasts, though.  I tend to gorge when I get through it, and that just makes your belly go, "dude, wtf??  First no food in like forever, then just dump the payloader??"  I'm new to this whole thing, so, you know, it needs refining.  But anyway, some minor ticks aside, Janice is quite healthy.  Me too.

Except... my sleep schedule is so erratic.  I had it going alright sleeping during the night again, but I just wound up back to my old ways.  Laying in bed, surfing online, staring at my wife, the ceiling, Marbles, the clock, in no particular order.  I am following a lot of the spiritual talk out there.  Looking into the beliefs that have shaped my behavior.  Some might be shocked to hear that I don't consider myself a Christian anymore.  Because that very term has become a label for too many hateful people.  Don't get me wrong, love Jesus, and/or Yeshua.  But the 'christ' term is so misunderstood, or has so many meanings, that Jesus himself is likely befuddled.  To me, Jesus is real.  The Shroud is genuine, that's pretty much scientifically proven now.  But I've got a lot of questions about the Bible and its numerous editors throughout the centuries.  I still pray.  I do readings at church, even.  But my idea of what God is, is vastly different than it was.  Hell does not exist.  I just don't believe in a God so vicious and vengeful.  How can God be that way but be pure love and light at the same time?  What parent would throw their kids into an inferno because they did some terrible things?  They'd certainly be punished, but not thrown into a freakin' FIRE!  Imagine grounding your kid, "alright son, thirty minutes in the furnace for spitting on your teacher."  Yeah, parent of the year!  Eternity, even.  To paraphrase one of the authors I'm reading, God laughs and plays.  And, Enlightenment is what happens when there is nothing left of you but love.  I mean, geez, it's almost like God and Love were the same thing.  Light, even.  And that's not light from a fire.

Backtracking to the ego thing.... learning not to take things personally has been a massive game changer for me.  I've come to learn that people do a lot of projecting, and more often than not when they're trying to tear you a new one, But silence is the brick wall that no criticism can penetrate.  I also read somewhere that what someone thinks of you is none of your business.  If it's inaccurate, they're wearing that, not you.  Besides, once you get into that game, you invite the asshole side of your ego to throw its balls around, and then you DO get torn a new one.  Just shut up and leggo your ego.

Humility, too... if that's the word I'm looking for.  That's a big one.  Looking back on yourself should be funny as hell!  While at the same time acknowledging that, if you don't think you were an idiot when you were younger, you're still an idiot.  And holy smokes, did I have some moments!  I mean, I'd never want to repeat the same mistakes, but I have to find humor in it, like from an observer point of view.  That's been a big difference maker for me, just realizing that I was such a dolt as recently as yesterday, but I feel like I've lowered from my peak on the Idiot Resonance Scale, where I feel like I've had the high score from time to time.  Then again, maybe not.  Hey Mike, if you're reading this a year from the time it's published, how's it workin' out now?  Hammer down!

Something that's been pretty grounding for us... well, besides the grounding sheets we got for our brand spankin' new bed... is cannabis.  And man, thank God for that.  We completely go alcohol free during Lent every year, not that we drink a lot to begin with, but we have one or two on some nights.  It's good for our faith and even more for our bodies.  Just like cannabis itself is.  And it's pretty hard to be stressed out when you're high.  That's the beauty of cannabis.  And there's never a hangover, it's more like a plane gliding gently down on the runway.  As long as it's not Reagan International Airport.  But boy... I'm beginning to understand what "awakening" is all about.  And a big part of it is realizing that marijuana was never deemed unsafe, as it's natural medicine.  Alcohol on the other hand will kill you and can turn you into a stranger to yourself.  It's literally poison.  You can kill yourself if you overdo it.  So it's quite suspicious when alcohol trades places with marijuana on the prohibition list.  It reeks of greed and capitalism.  What else are they lying to us about that we don't know yet?  Oh man, don't even get me started.

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SO, Mark Carney is our PM for awhile.  We'll see how he does, but I guarantee you this:  it'll be better than Trudeau's tenure.  JT was well intentioned, so I'll give him that much.  I've never been a fan, but I recognize his pros and his cons.  Everyone needs to do that with all politicians.  It's so tribal right now that it's like sports teams.  Loyalty should be beholden to the country, not its leaders.  Hey, I'll always keep an eye out for someone from other parties.  I had high hopes for some Conservative potential leaders, but then in debates they reveal the intolerable assholes that they are.  The Conservative Party was better when they were Progressive Conservative.  Why exactly do you think that the Harper era wanted 'Progressive' removed from the moniker?  If we're not careful, we actually will become the United States' 51st state.  During Trudeau's term, Stephen Harper actually went to the White House to visit Trump shortly after the U.S. election in '16.  Trudeau had just bounced Harper out of leadership, and then Harper pulls a stunt like that.  What I'd like to see the Conservatives with is the next Brian Mulroney.  I didn't agree with him either, but I respected his intentions.  I'm downright ashamed of anyone who would fly a flag that said "Fuck Trudeau" on their monster trucks or do anything hostile.  We are better than that.  I don't want to see a "Fuck Poilievre" flag either.  It's just as disgusting!  

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There are shows we've been watching around here.  We're taking a deep dive into the Daredevil wing of the Marvel Universe.  We re-watched the first three seasons and then watched the new Disney season, the most recent.  The first three seasons were on Netflix, and wow.... certainly not your typical Marvel fare, here.  Charlie Cox plays Matt Murdock/Daredevil, and this is going to be kind of the Christopher Reeve-as-Superman kind of thing in that no one can play Daredevil as good as him again.  The direction blows me away!  So many lengthy one-shots, where there's no cut in the action.  And it's grounded action, not very many gunfights.  Spec-freakin'-tacular martial arts all throughout, and man can Daredevil take a shitkickin'.  And this cast is on another level.  Everyone's roles mean something in this show, and man, Vincent D'onofrio's take on Wilson Fisk/Kingpin is as good as it gets.  None of the characters in this show are wasted, either.  Where season 4 faltered was, I believe, Kevin Feige got involved and made it considerably Marvel-y.  Which is fine, Marvel movies are fine - but Daredevil is the grittiest sort-of-superhero show around that sets the standard for me.  The newest version gives us a glitzier look, but meanders a bit with the story until toward the end.  Upon finishing season 4, I am looking forward to season 5.

Also in the 'Daredevil Universe' is Jessica Jones.  This one was a slow burn, but I got to like it more as I got to know the characters.  I've only seen season one, and we're going to continue.  Kristin Ritter is awesome as JJ, and the main baddie 'Kilgrave' is definitely one of those that you wish you could punch in the balls.  There are three seasons, and we'll be watching them, but right now, we're on 'The Punisher', which is tied to the whole Daredevil Universe.  And like the other two shows, they offer the same gritty vibe and distinct characters.  I just love how these shows pull no punches when it comes to subject matter.  

I've got more stuff to say but I'm just going to publish this right now, so my future self doesn't wonder what the hell happened to the blog entries.

Have a fantastic day folks.  .....................no, I MEAN IT!