Walk this way

I'm going to write a blog of a personal nature, one that's going to kind of reflect change in my life in the last little while.  And moving forward.

It's funny getting older.  As I say to my wife, "only time brings wisdom".  Makes a lot of sense.  Sometimes you have to be removed from a situation for 'x' amount of time before you realize the ramifications.  

Now, I'm retired due to permanent disability.  From time to time, I understand why that is, but I've had to really face it under situations of stress.  My illness, according to doctors, is a specific type of anxiety that never leaves.  It's like some unpredictable teenager just moved into your house, and you have to just endure the bullshit that all teenagers cause.  With all due respect to teenagers!  I remember those years.  I remember the misjudgments.  Mind you, my teen years had a pretty odd trajectory.  But anyway....

It's been just about a year since Janice's stint in the hospital, arguably the most stressful time of our lives, including my daughter's.  Janice has had to endure so much in the last year it would be fodder for a dark comedy.  Just one thing after another.  How much can one woman... or man for that matter... take??

Well let me tell you something:  Remember those balloon thingies they had back in the day where kids could punch the clown or whatever it was, and it would stand back up?  That's pretty much Janice.  Hit her as hard as you can, she'll still get up.  In fact, she's far stronger now than she was before all this happened.  It inspired her to attack her health problems full-bore.  Her body weight is down thirty pounds since last year, she walks relentlessly every day (with me, avec gummies), she feels a lot better and more mobile, and is just happier, from what I can tell.  

The stick in the mud there is that she has ongoing heart questions.  Covid attacked her in the ER when she was there to figure out she had E-coli to start with.  All the talk you hear about "long covid" is definitely true to us.  Not me, because I have a good immune system and had all my shots up to that point.  Janice, on the other hand, had all her shots, but is still more vulnerable to the virus than most because of the immune suppressant medication she takes for her various illnesses.  The trick here is, her most recent covid shot up to that point was nearing its end of efficacy and she was due for the next one, which wasn't out for another three weeks or so.  She never would have contracted covid if she didn't wind up in the ER barfing her guts out from funky watermelon.  Anyway, the newest strain took up shop in her body and wreaked havoc, thus, her current heart issues.  Mind you, E-coli surely exacerbated the whole situation.  I wouldn't want anyone to have to deal with a 1-2 punch like that.

Over the months that followed, she did lose her breath several times.  It was most alarming in the summertime when I was mowing the lawn one day with that heavy-ass bag mower, when I had to stop every other minute it seemed to empty the friggin' thing.  Janice volunteered to bag the grass I emptied while I mowed it.  Something happened that day that nearly put her horizontal.  Her breath got shallow, she heated up, cold sweats, all of it.  So of course, we settled her down immediately and took note of the situation.  Other encounters of similar nature happened, but not quite as bad as that one.  

We do still go to the gym, but we don't overdue it by any means like I think we used to.  For us, it's about a half hour cardio (brisk walking) with a half hour of weights and another half hour stretching.  She was not going to let her heart threats keep her down for any length of time.  She was told in January that she'd be going to Saint John for a better look at the heart issue, but we're still waiting on that.  But in the meantime, she's put more miles on her shoes this summer than any other year.  We go for our gummy walks, preferably around lots of trees, and practically feel the cortisol levels leak out of us.  We did start meditations, but we've been lagging lately and need to get back into it.  We've made a point this year to attack her inflammation issues, and walking and meditations are major benefits in this crusade.  Things are looking up.  

Then there's me.  I did have a couple of flare-ups in the last year, but nothing that I couldn't deal with.  Mind you, I do need Janice around me when I'm experiencing it, hence my disability.  But I've learned not to take everything personally and more objectively.  It's been a very freeing last couple of years.  These 'flare-ups' that I speak of can be called "mantrums", as I think most guys flip out in frustration every so often.  The problem with me is controlling it and de-escalating.  If I can do that, then it keeps its "mantrum" status.  Let it go, and it becomes an anxiety attack, one of which I had not too long ago.  The very worst thing about all of it for me is when it's over, thinking back about what I just put Janice through.  And that haunts my more somber moments.  I want this all to improve so that she doesn't have to deal with this.  

What I've chosen to do, with Janice's permission, is taper down my sertraline dosage very gradually, from 150 mg down to 100, then going to 75, and now 50.  I want to get it to a point, with the help of cannabis for now, where I'm off it temporarily, until I can try psilocybin therapy.  I've read lots of info that says it actually shows promise in restoring normal brain function, and I guess it always has.  I just want to try it and see if I can do better than the drug therapy I'm on.  Also being fully aware that if I start losing control, I'm right back on that sertraline, which I fully expect to be.  This is a temporary trial measure that I have to be careful with.  But I'm kind of desperate to try anything to normalize my headspace.  In three weeks, I'll start with the psilocybin.

I talked to my doctor not long ago, and we discussed my taking sertraline since '96.  I'd tried other drugs, and none had any real good effects, and I always wound up back on sertraline.  My doctor didn't have a clue about psilocybin therapy.  As for psychiatrists, the one I was referred me to upped and left recently, and others were booked solid and not taking any more patients.  So I'm essentially on my own with this.  Challenge accepted.

I look forward to getting to a place that's manageable, at least compared to what I've already experienced, by December.  Things will turn out good one way or the other.  We will make sure of it.  

Looking ahead to December, when I'll be 60, if I know my family they want to do something, even if it's just the local tribe.  I guess this blog is an open question to any friends that might read this.  

I played drums in a band called Asylum in the late '80s doing cover songs of mostly bubblegum metal bands - that description might be up for debate.  It was a lot of fun looking back.  When the 90's hit, though, there was no call for that music anymore.  But some of those shows were golden for us.  We did a number of gigs around town, but none of my family witnessed any of it.  When I formed YQM with a couple of friends and we put out an album of our own and sold a decent number of CDs locally, we did a solitary gig at University of Moncton, and that was pretty much it.  A number of our friends did catch that show though.  We were always way, way better live than our CD portrayed us.

Then it just kind of ... stopped.  I wanted to keep doing something with somebody, but ultimately there wasn't any real opportunity to.  Auditioning for being a member for somebody gave me the willies.  I'm already damn good enough.  Not great, I'll say that, but good enough.  But it's getting past my bloody nerves that's the trick.

Alexandra, our kid, participated in a bit of a sham outfit around town called "Maritime Idol", where she thought she might get noticed.  It was a poorly run outfit that often seemed to handpick certain singers, leaving her and other good voices overlooked.  She would do coffee house performances, even performing one acapella when she discovered there was no background music for her selection.  It turned out to be one of her best performances.  I swear, there's something to her voice.  I want people to hear her.

Back to the present... I'm game for a 60th birthday thing alright.  But I have caveats (and believe me, I'm perfectly fine with no "party" at all!).  My big wish is to have it in some bar or public meeting space, where I have a band with me that will play a small list of songs with my daughter singing.  Ever since she first opened her eyes to me on that April 22 in 1996, I've dreamed of playing music onstage with her with family in attendance, and any friends that wanted to see and support us.  I want to find some people that will help me with this - getting the hall, setting up the gig, find the people who would join us on the stage (I have several musician friends, but also family that I'd love to have involved).  I don't want to mention names because I don't want to put anyone on the spot.  But I think some of them will know about my idea here by publishing this blog.  If this could happen, I could die happy.  Not making plans for that though!  I have song titles in mind that might scare off folks.  I want a group that's not afraid to improvise and adapt while still having fun with it.  And this wouldn't be some kind of jam night thing where every Tom Dick and Harry gets a turn.  This would be a big deal for my little family.  

That's what I'd want for a 60th shindig.  If this can't happen, that's okay too.  I don't expect this to materialize, but I'm going to try to see if it will.  I'm putting this out to the universe to let it know what I want to happen.  This is my best shot at trying to manifest this.  And I don't want gifts.  That would BE the gift!!  Something signed by everyone attending this performance would be quite wonderful though.  And no freakin' surprises.  I hate those.  I don't have the nerves for it.  Rehearsals would be necessary a month before at least anyway.  I'll tell you this much, I really want to play and hear Alexandra sing "Barracuda" by Heart.  Among others I'll reveal to whomever would help me here.  Maybe no one wants to do it, but hey, I'm going to put this paper boat out to sea and see who picks it up.  No hurt feelings either way.

So there you have it -- my birthday wish.  And lord I hate doing that.  It nauseates me a bit to ask for anything big like this, but, I only turn 60 once, and I want my kid with me onstage, dammit.  Can you imagine me doing this in another ten years??

I can!

riffraff

Rather than focus on a specific subject or two, I'm just going to riff on anything that comes into my head here.  I've been on the fence about writing a new blog post for quite a while now.  Sometimes thinking of what to write just seems daunting - and it shouldn't!  I'm recording a snapshot in my life writing a lot of these.  I want to look back someday and remember more clearly how it was, rather than relying on what may be too much of a failing memory.  Something just happens when I write.  I connect to something other.  Like a spiritual thing maybe, even.  But my writing voice is somewhat different from my speaking one.  I wonder if others get that.

Anyway, where to start....

👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽

One thing I was going to do was go back to my recent "Doom and Gloom" post and do a bingo card type thing to see how correct I was.  I still might.  But looking at it right now, things are even worse than I'd thought they'd get.  Very unusual things are happening.  I read a lot that 2025 was going to be a trippy year, but Holy Fothermuckers.

There's a handful of people who actually read these things I post, for some reason.  And hey, you two, thanks for that!  But like I said, I need to write something to reflect on someday, and clearly.  So let's go here:

As I look back to nearly a year ago on March 23, I took what just may be my last meltdown.  The whole self harm thing took one more ride.  Shaved my head, even.  I was so proud of the hair I had.  Janice loved it, and her opinion, besides my own, is the only one that matters.  She has to look at me everyday after all.  The last time I cut my hair had been '09, so that's a lot of years.  That's my daughter's teenage life.  Which is why I want it saved for her to have when I pass on.  Which is to say, "I was there for you from the beginning, and I will be always".  I wish I had the maturity I have now back when she was growing up.  I really feel like Janice did the bulk of the parenting, in retrospect.  However, I do acknowledge that I'm rather hard on myself.  In fact, on this whole journey of self-love, I know that essentially, people produce products of their own surroundings, willingly or not.

Anyway, that March 23 was almost surreal.  When Janice asked me, tearfully, why I cut my hair off, I screamed back, "because I fucking hate myself!"  In that moment, something seemed to come loose.  Like I exorcised some kind of malevolent spirit or something.  (I'm not saying that's what it was, let me be clear about that.)  In the days that followed, a calm began to fall over me.

I started to actually read books, and now it's a regular thing.  But one of the things in particular I read about was handling my ego.  And man, that is EVERYTHING.  You need your ego to survive, but I read in one place that when you die, your spirit moves on, and your ego dies with the body.  Imagine that, now.  Think about a quarrel you have with someone now, or in the past, whatever.  Then, imagine an observer to the situation.  That observer does not have your ego to deal with.  Then what's the observation?  It's likely radically different from your own.  I think this just might be the key to happiness.  Keeping your ego in check is a monumental task.  It's like dealing with a split personality.  Your own higher mind glares down at the ego when it has to and takes pride and greed off the menu.  Then you get objectivity, crucial in evaluating all things in life.  When you stop competing with others all the time, and trying to keep up with the Joneses, everything is so much brighter and bolder.  All things are relative anyway, right?  Better to gauge life by your happiness than status and riches.

Janice's hospital incident, when she dealt with E-Coli, piggybacked by sepsis and then Covid, forced me to man up when I needed to the most.  But damn, that scarred me (that's scarred with two R's, but I was unprecedently scared as well).  Sometimes I think I'd have traded places with her if I could, but then I stopped to think if we really did switch positions there.  Emotionally, I think what I dealt with was extremely harsh.  It isn't fair to me to compare my side of it to hers.  We're still both dealing with it to this day, though.  For me, when I stop to think of it sometimes, I'll go into panic mode and start to lose my composure, imagining that I almost lost my wife.  But for Janice, her kidneys are still recovering from the e-coli, and she has to get I.V. iron infusions, because of some complications with long covid.  She sometimes struggles with her breath (oddly, so do I).  We both still go to the gym faithfully, but cut it back quite a bit, to three ninety minutes or less sessions a week.  Janice is fit as a fiddle, but she does struggle with her wind sometimes.  Again, long covid.  She's waiting for a call to go to Saint John where she can get her heart tested.  She needs to monitor her blood pressure everyday and make note of it.  She has to avoid salt, potassium, citrus fruits, etc. for reasons we're not quite getting.  Which has largely been part of the ride, that of not being fully informed.  But I'm happy to say neither of us are very concerned about the heart thing, as we think because Janice flipped out on one of their funky medicines in the hospital, Janice thought the beeping coming from the hallways outside her room was her heart monitor, which she didn't have on her, so she was telling the nurses her heart was acting up.  We're both sure that doctors are just crossing their T's here and making sure things are alright anyway.  Because, y'know, lawsuits.

Thus I took it upon myself for the new year to really try to address Janice's inflammation issues, which is really where all her issues come from.  Up to now, she's dropped 20 pounds, not necessarily because she's really trying, though, but because we've taken up intermittent fasting.  She'll skip breakfast and go as long thru the day as she can till supper, but if it gets rough, she'll snack on honeydew.  We'll have supper, and then we're good till bedtime, which'll be about four hours later.  I've done the one day and three day fasting.  I really like the whole concept of autophagy, kind of the body doing cellular housecleaning.  Anyway, now myself I'm 170 lbs.  That's kinda low I think.  But actually I'm not even really trying to lose weight.  I still have to get a handle on coming off my fasts, though.  I tend to gorge when I get through it, and that just makes your belly go, "dude, wtf??  First no food in like forever, then just dump the payloader??"  I'm new to this whole thing, so, you know, it needs refining.  But anyway, some minor ticks aside, Janice is quite healthy.  Me too.

Except... my sleep schedule is so erratic.  I had it going alright sleeping during the night again, but I just wound up back to my old ways.  Laying in bed, surfing online, staring at my wife, the ceiling, Marbles, the clock, in no particular order.  I am following a lot of the spiritual talk out there.  Looking into the beliefs that have shaped my behavior.  Some might be shocked to hear that I don't consider myself a Christian anymore.  Because that very term has become a label for too many hateful people.  Don't get me wrong, love Jesus, and/or Yeshua.  But the 'christ' term is so misunderstood, or has so many meanings, that Jesus himself is likely befuddled.  To me, Jesus is real.  The Shroud is genuine, that's pretty much scientifically proven now.  But I've got a lot of questions about the Bible and its numerous editors throughout the centuries.  I still pray.  I do readings at church, even.  But my idea of what God is, is vastly different than it was.  Hell does not exist.  I just don't believe in a God so vicious and vengeful.  How can God be that way but be pure love and light at the same time?  What parent would throw their kids into an inferno because they did some terrible things?  They'd certainly be punished, but not thrown into a freakin' FIRE!  Imagine grounding your kid, "alright son, thirty minutes in the furnace for spitting on your teacher."  Yeah, parent of the year!  Eternity, even.  To paraphrase one of the authors I'm reading, God laughs and plays.  And, Enlightenment is what happens when there is nothing left of you but love.  I mean, geez, it's almost like God and Love were the same thing.  Light, even.  And that's not light from a fire.

Backtracking to the ego thing.... learning not to take things personally has been a massive game changer for me.  I've come to learn that people do a lot of projecting, and more often than not when they're trying to tear you a new one, But silence is the brick wall that no criticism can penetrate.  I also read somewhere that what someone thinks of you is none of your business.  If it's inaccurate, they're wearing that, not you.  Besides, once you get into that game, you invite the asshole side of your ego to throw its balls around, and then you DO get torn a new one.  Just shut up and leggo your ego.

Humility, too... if that's the word I'm looking for.  That's a big one.  Looking back on yourself should be funny as hell!  While at the same time acknowledging that, if you don't think you were an idiot when you were younger, you're still an idiot.  And holy smokes, did I have some moments!  I mean, I'd never want to repeat the same mistakes, but I have to find humor in it, like from an observer point of view.  That's been a big difference maker for me, just realizing that I was such a dolt as recently as yesterday, but I feel like I've lowered from my peak on the Idiot Resonance Scale, where I feel like I've had the high score from time to time.  Then again, maybe not.  Hey Mike, if you're reading this a year from the time it's published, how's it workin' out now?  Hammer down!

Something that's been pretty grounding for us... well, besides the grounding sheets we got for our brand spankin' new bed... is cannabis.  And man, thank God for that.  We completely go alcohol free during Lent every year, not that we drink a lot to begin with, but we have one or two on some nights.  It's good for our faith and even more for our bodies.  Just like cannabis itself is.  And it's pretty hard to be stressed out when you're high.  That's the beauty of cannabis.  And there's never a hangover, it's more like a plane gliding gently down on the runway.  As long as it's not Reagan International Airport.  But boy... I'm beginning to understand what "awakening" is all about.  And a big part of it is realizing that marijuana was never deemed unsafe, as it's natural medicine.  Alcohol on the other hand will kill you and can turn you into a stranger to yourself.  It's literally poison.  You can kill yourself if you overdo it.  So it's quite suspicious when alcohol trades places with marijuana on the prohibition list.  It reeks of greed and capitalism.  What else are they lying to us about that we don't know yet?  Oh man, don't even get me started.

👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽

SO, Mark Carney is our PM for awhile.  We'll see how he does, but I guarantee you this:  it'll be better than Trudeau's tenure.  JT was well intentioned, so I'll give him that much.  I've never been a fan, but I recognize his pros and his cons.  Everyone needs to do that with all politicians.  It's so tribal right now that it's like sports teams.  Loyalty should be beholden to the country, not its leaders.  Hey, I'll always keep an eye out for someone from other parties.  I had high hopes for some Conservative potential leaders, but then in debates they reveal the intolerable assholes that they are.  The Conservative Party was better when they were Progressive Conservative.  Why exactly do you think that the Harper era wanted 'Progressive' removed from the moniker?  If we're not careful, we actually will become the United States' 51st state.  During Trudeau's term, Stephen Harper actually went to the White House to visit Trump shortly after the U.S. election in '16.  Trudeau had just bounced Harper out of leadership, and then Harper pulls a stunt like that.  What I'd like to see the Conservatives with is the next Brian Mulroney.  I didn't agree with him either, but I respected his intentions.  I'm downright ashamed of anyone who would fly a flag that said "Fuck Trudeau" on their monster trucks or do anything hostile.  We are better than that.  I don't want to see a "Fuck Poilievre" flag either.  It's just as disgusting!  

👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽

There are shows we've been watching around here.  We're taking a deep dive into the Daredevil wing of the Marvel Universe.  We re-watched the first three seasons and then watched the new Disney season, the most recent.  The first three seasons were on Netflix, and wow.... certainly not your typical Marvel fare, here.  Charlie Cox plays Matt Murdock/Daredevil, and this is going to be kind of the Christopher Reeve-as-Superman kind of thing in that no one can play Daredevil as good as him again.  The direction blows me away!  So many lengthy one-shots, where there's no cut in the action.  And it's grounded action, not very many gunfights.  Spec-freakin'-tacular martial arts all throughout, and man can Daredevil take a shitkickin'.  And this cast is on another level.  Everyone's roles mean something in this show, and man, Vincent D'onofrio's take on Wilson Fisk/Kingpin is as good as it gets.  None of the characters in this show are wasted, either.  Where season 4 faltered was, I believe, Kevin Feige got involved and made it considerably Marvel-y.  Which is fine, Marvel movies are fine - but Daredevil is the grittiest sort-of-superhero show around that sets the standard for me.  The newest version gives us a glitzier look, but meanders a bit with the story until toward the end.  Upon finishing season 4, I am looking forward to season 5.

Also in the 'Daredevil Universe' is Jessica Jones.  This one was a slow burn, but I got to like it more as I got to know the characters.  I've only seen season one, and we're going to continue.  Kristin Ritter is awesome as JJ, and the main baddie 'Kilgrave' is definitely one of those that you wish you could punch in the balls.  There are three seasons, and we'll be watching them, but right now, we're on 'The Punisher', which is tied to the whole Daredevil Universe.  And like the other two shows, they offer the same gritty vibe and distinct characters.  I just love how these shows pull no punches when it comes to subject matter.  

I've got more stuff to say but I'm just going to publish this right now, so my future self doesn't wonder what the hell happened to the blog entries.

Have a fantastic day folks.  .....................no, I MEAN IT!

Picture This x 4

New Picture This posts.  Four new ones, more coming.

Check 'em out!

Picture #47

Picture #48

Picture #49

Picture #50