Personal Blog: Walk the razor's edge

It is Monday, September 11, 2023, 4:09am according to my laptop.

My wife is sleeping beside me.  Earlier we watched "Interstellar" again on blu-ray with the captions on, and gained a whole new insight to the film yet again.  Then we popped in the extras disc and watched some of that, before it was ultimately time for her to get to sleep for work tomorrow.

The day started off very late for me, where we were up quite late last night because we just weren't tired.  Janice had the last four weeks off to recuperate from her knee surgery, in which her surgeon determined that she needed knee replacement.  That may happen as soon as before the end of the year.  She will then need six months to recuperate.  After that, knee replacement for her other knee may be on the horizon, which likely means permanent disability, like me.

But these past four weeks have been very nice, for the most part.  There have been absolutely no issues between us through this time, and indeed, pretty much ever since we got together 31 years ago.  Any issues that have arisen have always been due to outside meddling or troublemakers, really of which there have been few as well.  One of those occurred during last month.

August 2, 2022 was the last time I self-harmed.  I used to say that was the last time I endured an anxiety attack, but I can't quite claim that.  They don't always go hand in hand.  They did at work, though, especially while I was employed with Shoppers Drug Mart.  I did work for one of the stores for ten years for a great boss named Jamie, who is one of the most understanding, gregarious individuals I've ever been blessed to know, and especially to have for a boss.  I suffered numerous attacks at work there and asked for time to cope, and he was 100% understanding, telling me to take care of myself first and foremost. 

When Jamie left at the end of that ten years, though, I had a new guy to work under that really, really didn't work out.  In fact, beyond the pharmacy at that store, I was the last staff member left that was at the opening of that building when it was rebuilt.  I watched countless folks get forced out or leave before I finally did.  

On my daughter's birthday that year, I came home from work, exasperated and frustrated, to the point that the mental anguish was too much to process, and jumped and landed horizontally on the hard living room floor - breaking ribs in my back in the process.  I desperately texted my wife at work "help" several times, because I couldn't call to speak, as I'd lost my voice and breath.  It took a half hour to gain the ability to breathe properly again. She came home minutes later and helped me get upstairs to lie on the soft mattress.  

Following that, she spoke to our family physician, who advised her to get the ball rolling to proceed to get me on permanent disability.  About a year later, after several more anxiety attacks - but only a fraction of what I'd endured from work - the government concluded I indeed qualified.  I broke down in tears when I found out, because I just didn't feel like many believed me when I told anyone of my struggles with mental illness.  It carries a stigma, after all.

Today, I deal with an added stigma: being in my mid 50's and on permanent disability.  

As I progress through my thirteenth month straight of not self-harming, worthy of note because I do have to fight the urges to sometimes; though not often, I've learned through Janice to accept that I have not self-harmed, but I have dealt with anxiety attacks.  They produce a very weird chemistry in my head where I feel like I'm bottoming out, spiraling.  What pulls me out of it is cannabis with THC.  It's become somewhat of a life-saving miracle for me.  I've also discovered that also carries a stigma with it to those who don't accept the modern legality of it in the present time.  But that, I don't worry about.

The issue I dealt with last month was one where I felt quite unaccepted by someone associated with my wife's family.  I'd rather not get into the details - only that it's an ongoing issue for years that has mushroomed this summer.  The incident sent me into a tailspin mentally and spiritually that left me so confused and drained that my mind went to very dark places... places that made me contemplate the worst toward myself.  One weekend night at three in the morning I walked to the Gunningsville Bridge and stopped in the middle, looking down at the river below.  "It would only take a minute," I thought to myself.  For a half hour I stood there in the dead of the warm night breeze.  This was a couple of weeks after the 'incident'.  I eventually opted to walk home.

This wasn't the only time thoughts like that invaded my head in the last month.  It made August a challenge, because family was in town visiting, and gatherings were frequent.  I didn't attend many of them, because of this whole mess of anxiety I was dealing with, but I still went to some of them.  I feared much of my family might not understand my absence, but via communicating with Janice, they certainly did.  I also did not let anyone know of my bridge visit or ponderance until the writing of this blog you may be reading right now.  As those August days rolled on, so did doubts about myself.  The anxiety ball was rolling, running down hope as it trolled through my head.  

The four weeks Janice was off might well have been crucial in saving me.  We rarely spend time apart, after all.  During that four weeks, we actually weren't apart.  Every day I woke up, she was there.  When I went to sleep, she was there.  Every night she tells me before she drifts off, "remember, I'm right here beside you."  I have a lot of friends in passing, all of whom are special to me in various ways, but I have no frequent friends anymore.  

It's funny, so many of these friends, and family, upon hearing I qualified for disability, offered me literal congratulations, as if I'd achieved some goal.  I was a proud worker right up to my last day on April 22, 2020.  Maybe too proud sometimes.  Before working for Shoppers, I worked driving for BJ's Subs and Catering for 11 years, probably the most content period of my life.  Never let anyone tell you a retail job, in any capacity (in my case a receiver), is better than a driving job.  My heart goes out to retail workers.  It either hardens you like a shield, or you buckle under the pressure.  In my case, due to my mental health history, I buckled, and am today officially labeled "disabled".

Being put on disability was good, all said.  If I'd continued staying at the job I was at, I surely would have run into far more serious issues.  Before I'd ever worked for Shoppers, I was mentally compromised already, after all, but my driving job never pushed me to the depths that my retail one did.  Not even close.  But after working 12 years in retail (I was at two other SDM stores before landing at the last one), I couldn't get used to retail life, or the rotten treatment Loblaw doled out to their employees when they took over halfway through my run there via Shoppers.  I don't want to make myself sound like I thought I was the ideal employee.  There are a lot of things I'd do differently today - but I think that goes with a lot of folks.  Truth be told, no one was harder on me than myself.

But I continue to be hard on myself long after I've left the workplace.  My wife got her knee diagnosed by doctors who saw the problems and issued them to get fixed promptly, relatively speaking, compared to my own mental illness.  After all, an MRI or X-ray will show torn tissue and broken bones, which gets treated upon diagnosis.  Me... I haven't even been properly diagnosed.  I have no idea what I have, what to call what I deal with.  It resembles depression, anxiety, PTSD and trauma, but there is no official term.  Just guesses according to the history of my health.  My physician did what he could.  He gave me meds to calm the fires that often lit up my brain, but that's a band-aid solution.  It doesn't get to the heart of the matter like a psychologist or psychiatrist can.  I had both of those.... I ran out of money to pay for a psychologist, and my psychiatrist gave up on me.  So, I'm on my own.  I continue to take SSRIs and now cannabis oils to stave off The Monster. 

Being out of work has greatly curtailed my anxiety, but it didn't cure it.  Now I'm left waking up in the morning feeling like I have little to no purpose.  My cat Marbles walks on my head to wake me up to feed him - outside of that, anyone I know is working, including my wife.  I've lost interest in things I used to love doing.  I love playing drums, but I have nothing to motivate me to.  I always have artsy things flying around in my head (especially on cannabis... WOW.) but then ask myself, "what for?"  When people create things, they want to show others.  I have no one to do that for outside of my wife.  I find writing this very blog therapeutic, but I'll only post a link to it on social media rather than just stick it out there outright.  I think there are those who might construe these writings as me crying victim.  Maybe I am.  Janice is a victim of knee problems, and no one will hesitate to offer their understanding of that.  I see it her deal with it!  And it's terrible, and at times heartbreaking.  But my psychological issues.... I think there are a lot of folks who'll just think "suck it up and move on."  And this lack of understanding does nothing for me when I reach my lowest, like at the bridge.

The chances of me of jumping off that night were very slim.  I was really only contemplating.  Until a Rush song called 'The Pass' glided through my head.  No hero in your tragedy...no daring in your escape...no salutes to your surrender...nothing noble in your fate.  Christ!  What have you done?  The aftermath.  The damage I would leave in my wake.  That made me turn around and walk the razor's edge.  I can't turn my back and slam the door on my family.

And I live to fight another day.  The tattoo on my back, words from a song called "Dream In My Life" by King's X, is an ode to my wife and daughter.  I feel it's me speaking to Janice and Lexy.  

It's a struggle.  Everyone deals with them.  I know I'm not alone in that.  I'm not the only one to have had a hard life.  Sometimes people feel they have to remind me of that.  And I actually find it insulting and insensitive, but accept the notion they don't realize it.  Ignorance is not always bliss.  Sometimes it's just ignorance.

But I accept it for another day.  

Above ground.

Personal Blog: Carry That Weight

It's been a great summer - albeit kind of soggy in this neck of the woods here in New Brunswick, Canada.  But looking around at all the mayhem caused by weather in so many other parts of the world, including here in my own country, actually especially my own country, I can't validate any complaints I might have had.

Last year, on August 2, I suffered my last violent anxiety attack, where I turned a utility knife on myself and cut up my legs and arms.  No need to get into reasons why.  But it did prompt an adjustment in my medication, which has helped quite incredibly really, and I've been in perhaps the most serene place in my entire life since I can remember.

It hasn't come without some challenging times and days, of course, like everyone has.  I've learned to recognize triggers and how to stare them down; to remove myself from situations that may prompt an oncoming attack.  Everyone who suffers from chronic anxiety is unique in their symptoms and what brings them on.  I'm certainly not a 'textbook case' of an anxiety sufferer.  Mine originates mainly from physical trauma early in life.  Thus, medication proved to be crucial to getting me out of that hole that at times appeared bottomless.  But it takes more than just meds.

It takes a family, friends, spirituality, and education to shine light where it's needed the most.  It started out without any hint of a light at all whatsoever.  So much is known about physical trauma's connection to chronic anxiety now than was back in the day.  It's made me look back on my own past and taking a look at what I'm ashamed of, actions-wise, and look at it in a third-person kind of perspective.  Would I be so condemning of a person that has the same kind of past and circumstances, from an outsider's point of view?  Today, I certainly would not.

But time is the great teacher, isn't it?  Not only does it provide you with a chance to look back, but it gives you the option to not repeat.  It's true what they say, those who do not learn from history really are damned to repeat it.  That road had a lot of potholes and damage to it.  There's an alternate route that takes me to where I want to go.  Why take that same damaged road?  But I took the damaged road over and over again, in some instances.  It left me with many a flat tire, and catastrophic engine failure in some cases.  Life will make you learn one way or another.

In this past year, I've learned to just let a lot of things go.  Why the hell argue just for the sake of arguing?  If the conversation leads to hard feelings or hatred, disengage.  I'm still learning this, but I've come a long way.  Chances are you aren't going to change people's minds on anything, but you can help change them by simply setting an example.  "Do unto others", and so forth.

My nephew Shawn gave me a book called "The Book of Joy" that crucially made me re-adjust my outlook for the better.  I recommend it to anyone who feels like they've gotten a bum rap on life, or wonders "why me?" at any point in time.  Man... I was one of those "why me?" people for decades.  From time to time, I still am, but a whole lot less.  In reflection, patience is what I've always needed to get over such an outlook.  Patience and compassion.  Finding happiness in others' happiness.

Plus the blessings in my life are in great abundance.  Sure, I live on disability, a fixed income.  I'll never have the riches - the big job, the fancy car, a cottage of my own, the ability to travel much.  But like I said about letting go, it's more about what I have than what I don't, or won't.  I have a fantastic wife, whom I credit for my very existence today.  A wonderful daughter who made me stare down the menace that is anxiety/depression/PTSD, and fight it and fend it off (NOT 'win', because it's a lifelong battle).  I've got a few friends who've always been around.  We have a house that was basically a run-down shack when we moved in nearly 25 years ago, that has morphed into our own little palace, especially over the last year or so.  We have no debt, outside of our mortgage, which has a little over three years left.  We've got our kitty Marbles, who's steadfastly at my side providing love and support unconditionally every day.  I have a family full of forgiving and understanding siblings; and like every large family, we've had our ups and downs through the decades, but we always gravitate back together.  As we all get older, things tend to slide off our backs a little easier, knowing that petty crap is never worth it in the long run.  Going to church has helped a lot.  Mind you, I don't think I believe in quite the same version of God as a lot of others do.  To me, God is synonymous with love and forgiveness.  Anything antithetical to those things is contrary to the God I believe in.

I have my health, although at times it gets questionable, but nothing serious at all, outside of my mental health issues of course, which I've kept under control.  Although in recent months, I've been a bit paranoid.  Every seven or eight years, it seems, I've had to do battle with kidney stones.  The last time, in '15, I came a little too close to losing a kidney.  Had Janice not forced me to go to outpatients and demanded I be looked at a lot more closely than I had been (indeed, I got surgery that day), I'd be down one.  So now, my guard is up whenever I feel that familiar ache in my back.  I wound up with a couple of stones that showed up on an x-ray a few months ago that looked to be on the move.  For three months, the pain kind of increased.  Long story short, I pissed the little bugger out (ha... try saying a kidney stone is "little" to anyone who's had one) just tonight.  It wasn't pleasant, that's for sure, but it was a relief.  I was scheduled to go for a CT scan for it, but now that's not in the cards anymore.  But, while I was filling up the bird feeder we have in our yard today, which I need a ladder for and Janice to hold it while I do it, I wound up taking a ten foot drop to the ground when the ladder gave way to a weak branch.  I'm now the proud owner of some kind of rib injury, either cracked or an intercostal thing.  Having experienced both, I'd say the intercostal might be a bit more painful, but takes probably half the healing time that an actual fracture does.  I'm hoping that's what it is.  I do have Percocet because of my kidney stones, after all.  And THC.  But the yard looks good!  It's what I did all day yesterday.  I mowed Janice's mom's lawn and ours, which is a bit of a task when the mower isn't one of those propelled ones, and the lawn has a lot of hills.  And with my stubborn ass, I always have to do both lawns at once, even when I only set out to do one at a time.  Plus a ton of weed whacking.  Plus hedge and shrub trimming.  I wound up with a bit of a burn, making me look more Canadian than ever with my shades of red and white.  

Exercise has been a tremendous factor in keeping my physical AND mental health in check, too.  Janice has a Planet Fitness membership, which allows for a guest every time you go, and I would be that guest, so we go together all the time.  She's pretty determined to walk a total of 1,000 miles by the end of the year, and she's over half way there.  Considering her ridiculous roadblocks, not the least of which is a knee to be operated on August 9, she's become inspirational to people, especially me.  She would say I'm the inspirational one, probably.  I push her a bit when we go, but that lady's a powerhouse.  You can not keep her down or in one spot too long.  For the better part of this year, she's gotten around with a cane, but she still goes to the gym and sweats it out with the best of them.  On my end, lots of weights and cardio have had many benefits.  I don't lift all that heavy, really.  I don't consider myself particularly strong.  All I know is that it makes me feel good.  I've really taken on stretching as a prominent part of my workouts, where it takes up around 45 minutes each time.  It's helped my mobility in ways I couldn't have imagined before I started getting serious with it.  Again, I'm no pro or some kind of yogi when I'm stretching, but what I've been doing works pretty great with me.  I look forward to when Janice can do all this stretching with me.  For now, she does extra cardio while I do my stretching.  We usually go every other day now.

Although one glaring issue with me is my right knee.  I'd just gotten it x-rayed yesterday, and the doc said that it looks the same as it did three years ago.  It sure doesn't feel the same!  After multiple times attempting to run again, finally a few days ago when I almost wiped out on the treadmill (and a few other times just walking), I bit the bullet and decided to give it attention.  It's hard to actually 'see' my doctor, so he just sent me for the x-ray, said I had osteo in my knee, and that was that.  At the rate I'm going, I may need Janice's cane when she's done with it.  But I'm tired of chasing health care practitioners about it.  It appears no one wants to believe me.  It hearkens back to ten years ago when I started limping every day for three years before I actually got an MRI and then told me I had a tear, bone fragments, and evidence of a fracture in my tibia before they told me "hey, you need surgery".  I feel like I'm on that same friggin' road.  But, at least this time, I'm not working.  So there's the blessing in that!

Still, the frustration in that nearly got away from me yesterday when I got stonewalled by the doc again about the x-ray.  Janice pushed and pushed me to get it addressed by the doctor for at least three months, and I finally caved, only to have to go to the back of the line again.  Whatever.  It's summertime!  There's fun to be had, a house and yard to enjoy, time to be spent with my wife, great food to eat, and people to see, especially in August when family convenes in Caissie Cape.  Janice will have most of August off because of her surgery, so I will happily wait on her hand and foot if needed, pretty much like she's done with Lexy and me since forever ago.  I've been incredibly fortunate all my life, especially through the down times, in that I've had people looking out for my own best interests when it counted the most.  I can't give enough credit to Janice.  Every time I'm in trouble, like a superhero she seems to show up to save the day.  I would like to think I do the same for her and Lexy.  But I believe those heights are perhaps too lofty for me to ever reach.

I can't be the guy that says "hang in there, things will get better", because I know too many people that have to deal with way, way worse than I ever have had to... people that I pray for.  But it is pretty important to have understanding for the plight of others.  We're all dealing with something, right?  

We all have to carry that weight - so maybe we should see that others are, too, and help them carry theirs.  We will heal ourselves when we help others.  Not to sound preachy.

As always, thanks so much for taking the time out of your precious day to read my very humble blog entry.  You are appreciated!

Observations: Off the Top of My Head

"Oppenheimer" is out in three weeks from the time I write this.  Really looking forward to it.  Might need a 'Stadium Buddy' piss bag, though, clocking in at over three hours long.  Still, it's gonna be worth it, especially in IMAX, which is Chris Nolan's specialty.  He actually had new film invented for the black and white version of IMAX to make this.  This will be... ahem... Explosive.

So.... "The Flash" movie bombed (no pun intended relating to the previous paragraph) in theatres in a pretty big and loud way.  I was counting on it being the blockbuster of the year, judging by all the hype.  Then I thought, there's likely a lot of people like me who are being choosey about the movies they go to because it's so friggin' expensive, right?  Plus, everything's out on streaming almost immediately afterwards, so if you're so-so on seeing a movie, wait a bit and it'll be on TV soon enough.  That's not good for the movie business at all.  And don't get me started on streaming... it's a bubble that's got to burst at some point, with there being way, way, WAY too many streamers on the market right now.  No one can afford all of them.  Although, Warner/Discovery, formerly HBO/Max (maybe they still are, they can't seem to make clear what they want to be called), quite possibly is going to sell a lot of their stuff to Netflix in the coming weeks.  This may signal co-operation with streaming outfits to share their product and make it more affordable to the masses.  Though I doubt it.  Big corporations rarely have the interests of affordability to the public in mind.

"Star Trek: Prodigy" has been canceled by Paramount.  To the surprise of countless Star Trek fans... of which I'm not one.  Not surprised, that is.  It's fine that you can make cartoons for just about anything these days, but don't expect everyone who watches live-action content to join the cartoon ride.  I don't know how "Lower Decks" stays on the air, either.  When "Picard" season 3 came out, and Trek fans watched it in droves - being the first Trek show to crack the streaming top 10 - to me, it said a lot.  The first Trek to crack the streaming top 10??  So "Discovery" must not have.  Or "Strange New Worlds".  The former fizzled out for me with season 4 (season 5 will be its last), and the jury's still out on the latter.  But familiarity should not be dismissed by Paramount, with Picard season 3 bringing back a lot of fan favorites and more concise storytelling.  My suspicion is that "Discovery" is on its last season because of ratings, though it hasn't been publicly said.  Honestly, it's a bit hard for me to believe in a show that's set around the 32nd century. 

Cutting the cord... something a lot of folks are doing lately; that is, getting rid of cable TV in favor of streaming and internet.  I have a problem with that, though, being that I like live stuff like the news.  I don't quite know what the best thing to do is just yet, especially considering options of a grand total of two cable companies in my area of the country.  I do like CBC Newsnet, but I won't watch CTV's new channel or the main network, because I simply don't like how they're treating people who work for them.  I like MSNBC a lot, namely Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow and a few others, but cripes, there has to be more going on in the world besides Trump and SCOTUS and Roe v Wade.  And CNN is just awful now.  I mean, they go and have Trump on their channel for a live town hall without rebuffing him on all his lies, get a big backlash about it, then Anderson Cooper comes on and says "people should get out of their silos" and listen to others??  Others like a wannabe dictator who failed at a coup of your country that you just gave free time to, to support a re-election bid?  Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?

Here in Canada, the Competition Bureau is finally getting off their asses and looking to diversify the grocery stores in the country, after Loblaws and Sobeys basically claimed ownership of everything, including corner stores.  But I feel it may be way too little, way too late.  But while they're at it, why not go after big telecom?  Bell and Rogers basically sucked up all the smaller tech and tel companies over the last number of decades without a peep from our governments, Liberal and Conservative alike, though the Liberals have their hands filthy dirty with basically giving millions upon millions to Loblaws for 'efficient fridges and freezers'.  And inflation is being driven right now by high food costs while giants like the aforementioned are raking in record profits.  Overall inflation is actually coming down -- so why are our food prices increasing?  Canada has one of the very best economies in the G7.  There is no excuse to let these grocery scalpers get away with ripping us off like this.

Ah, my beloved Boston Red Sox... they make it hard to be a fan these days.  Just this morning I read that owner John Henry is being accused of not giving a rat's ass about his team by paying all his attention to everything else.  If you don't want to support the team and its fans, sell it!  This year's team hearkens back to the dreadful '12 season when Valentine was coach.  And what a disaster that was.

Russia is quite a ball of wax these days.  The Wagner Group goes to Ukraine, gets their asses kicked, then goes back to Russia and kicks their own asses.  Pooty Poot feels threatened and gets help from the wannabe strongman in Belarus to get the Waggies out of Russia, only to get the Waggies' leader to be exiled to Belarus.  Buddy, stay away from tall buildings and open windows.  Better yet, park yourself by one.  And bring that bloodthirsty coward Putin with you on the way down.  The world is waiting to see what's going to happen to Russia in the coming weeks.  It's looking like Trump's golden parachute to Moscow isn't going to open anymore, doesn't it?

I've been reading this book in the last week or so, called "Them" by Whitley Strieber.  What an incredibly fascinating read.  I'm just about through it; the first part of the book talks about Strieber's experiences from his late 80's book "Communion" and the avalanche of letters he and his wife got from folks who had remarkably similar experiences with 'visitor abduction' and encounters.  He picked some prominent ones, and attempted to decipher what they mean, some of which he only realized after he thought about them for some years.  It's an incredibly descriptive, informative hypotheses on the stories that were brought to him that he brings much light and thought to that really makes you question the nature of everything around us, quite frankly.  His attempts to decode the nature of the visitations is quite remarkable.  And he doesn't just pull stuff out of his ass for facts... he has actual documented evidence, facts and files to supplement his findings.  I think it's something everyone could read and get something out of, and a lot of what he talks about could come into play in the coming years, for better and worse both.

Canada is on fire.  Not in a good, metaphorical way, either.  This reminds me of the rampant fires that happened in Australia not all that long ago.  This is not good.  Every spring when summer approaches, I get worried now, because every summer seems to be getting worse and worse, re: the effects climate change is having on our country.  New Brunswick, where I live, had some serious fire issues, but it was terrible in Nova Scotia, where numerous evacuations happened because of out of control blazes.  Now in Quebec, it's nuts.  They can't get a handle on the fires there at all, and countries from around the world have come to help.  The west is no better.  This is a record breaking year for forest fires in this country, and we're only halfway through the season.  I'm not optimistic about the future.

Anyway, one way to make the future better is to be kind, understanding and tolerant of each other.  As I try to be just this way, I hope you will too.

Take care, friends.