Rather than focus on a specific subject or two, I'm just going to riff on anything that comes into my head here. I've been on the fence about writing a new blog post for quite a while now. Sometimes thinking of what to write just seems daunting - and it shouldn't! I'm recording a snapshot in my life writing a lot of these. I want to look back someday and remember more clearly how it was, rather than relying on what may be too much of a failing memory. Something just happens when I write. I connect to something other. Like a spiritual thing maybe, even. But my writing voice is somewhat different from my speaking one. I wonder if others get that.
There's a handful of people who actually read these things I post, for some reason. And hey, you two, thanks for that! But like I said, I need to write something to reflect on someday, and clearly. So let's go here:
As I look back to nearly a year ago on March 23, I took what just may be my last meltdown. The whole self harm thing took one more ride. Shaved my head, even. I was so proud of the hair I had. Janice loved it, and her opinion, besides my own, is the only one that matters. She has to look at me everyday after all. The last time I cut my hair had been '09, so that's a lot of years. That's my daughter's teenage life. Which is why I want it saved for her to have when I pass on. Which is to say, "I was there for you from the beginning, and I will be always". I wish I had the maturity I have now back when she was growing up. I really feel like Janice did the bulk of the parenting, in retrospect. However, I do acknowledge that I'm rather hard on myself. In fact, on this whole journey of self-love, I know that essentially, people produce products of their own surroundings, willingly or not.
Anyway, that March 23 was almost surreal. When Janice asked me, tearfully, why I cut my hair off, I screamed back, "because I fucking hate myself!" In that moment, something seemed to come loose. Like I exorcised some kind of malevolent spirit or something. (I'm not saying that's what it was, let me be clear about that.) In the days that followed, a calm began to fall over me.
I started to actually read books, and now it's a regular thing. But one of the things in particular I read about was handling my ego. And man, that is EVERYTHING. You need your ego to survive, but I read in one place that when you die, your spirit moves on, and your ego dies with the body. Imagine that, now. Think about a quarrel you have with someone now, or in the past, whatever. Then, imagine an observer to the situation. That observer does not have your ego to deal with. Then what's the observation? It's likely radically different from your own. I think this just might be the key to happiness. Keeping your ego in check is a monumental task. It's like dealing with a split personality. Your own higher mind glares down at the ego when it has to and takes pride and greed off the menu. Then you get objectivity, crucial in evaluating all things in life. When you stop competing with others all the time, and trying to keep up with the Joneses, everything is so much brighter and bolder. All things are relative anyway, right? Better to gauge life by your happiness than status and riches.
Janice's hospital incident, when she dealt with E-Coli, piggybacked by sepsis and then Covid, forced me to man up when I needed to the most. But damn, that scarred me (that's scarred with two R's, but I was unprecedently scared as well). Sometimes I think I'd have traded places with her if I could, but then I stopped to think if we really did switch positions there. Emotionally, I think what I dealt with was extremely harsh. It isn't fair to me to compare my side of it to hers. We're still both dealing with it to this day, though. For me, when I stop to think of it sometimes, I'll go into panic mode and start to lose my composure, imagining that I almost lost my wife. But for Janice, her kidneys are still recovering from the e-coli, and she has to get I.V. iron infusions, because of some complications with long covid. She sometimes struggles with her breath (oddly, so do I). We both still go to the gym faithfully, but cut it back quite a bit, to three ninety minutes or less sessions a week. Janice is fit as a fiddle, but she does struggle with her wind sometimes. Again, long covid. She's waiting for a call to go to Saint John where she can get her heart tested. She needs to monitor her blood pressure everyday and make note of it. She has to avoid salt, potassium, citrus fruits, etc. for reasons we're not quite getting. Which has largely been part of the ride, that of not being fully informed. But I'm happy to say neither of us are very concerned about the heart thing, as we think because Janice flipped out on one of their funky medicines in the hospital, Janice thought the beeping coming from the hallways outside her room was her heart monitor, which she didn't have on her, so she was telling the nurses her heart was acting up. We're both sure that doctors are just crossing their T's here and making sure things are alright anyway. Because, y'know, lawsuits.
Thus I took it upon myself for the new year to really try to address Janice's inflammation issues, which is really where all her issues come from. Up to now, she's dropped 20 pounds, not necessarily because she's really trying, though, but because we've taken up intermittent fasting. She'll skip breakfast and go as long thru the day as she can till supper, but if it gets rough, she'll snack on honeydew. We'll have supper, and then we're good till bedtime, which'll be about four hours later. I've done the one day and three day fasting. I really like the whole concept of autophagy, kind of the body doing cellular housecleaning. Anyway, now myself I'm 170 lbs. That's kinda low I think. But actually I'm not even really trying to lose weight. I still have to get a handle on coming off my fasts, though. I tend to gorge when I get through it, and that just makes your belly go, "dude, wtf?? First no food in like forever, then just dump the payloader??" I'm new to this whole thing, so, you know, it needs refining. But anyway, some minor ticks aside, Janice is quite healthy. Me too.
Except... my sleep schedule is so erratic. I had it going alright sleeping during the night again, but I just wound up back to my old ways. Laying in bed, surfing online, staring at my wife, the ceiling, Marbles, the clock, in no particular order. I am following a lot of the spiritual talk out there. Looking into the beliefs that have shaped my behavior. Some might be shocked to hear that I don't consider myself a Christian anymore. Because that very term has become a label for too many hateful people. Don't get me wrong, love Jesus, and/or Yeshua. But the 'christ' term is so misunderstood, or has so many meanings, that Jesus himself is likely befuddled. To me, Jesus is real. The Shroud is genuine, that's pretty much scientifically proven now. But I've got a lot of questions about the Bible and its numerous editors throughout the centuries. I still pray. I do readings at church, even. But my idea of what God is, is vastly different than it was. Hell does not exist. I just don't believe in a God so vicious and vengeful. How can God be that way but be pure love and light at the same time? What parent would throw their kids into an inferno because they did some terrible things? They'd certainly be punished, but not thrown into a freakin' FIRE! Imagine grounding your kid, "alright son, thirty minutes in the furnace for spitting on your teacher." Yeah, parent of the year! Eternity, even. To paraphrase one of the authors I'm reading, God laughs and plays. And, Enlightenment is what happens when there is nothing left of you but love. I mean, geez, it's almost like God and Love were the same thing. Light, even. And that's not light from a fire.
Backtracking to the ego thing.... learning not to take things personally has been a massive game changer for me. I've come to learn that people do a lot of projecting, and more often than not when they're trying to tear you a new one, But silence is the brick wall that no criticism can penetrate. I also read somewhere that what someone thinks of you is none of your business. If it's inaccurate, they're wearing that, not you. Besides, once you get into that game, you invite the asshole side of your ego to throw its balls around, and then you DO get torn a new one. Just shut up and leggo your ego.
Humility, too... if that's the word I'm looking for. That's a big one. Looking back on yourself should be funny as hell! While at the same time acknowledging that, if you don't think you were an idiot when you were younger, you're still an idiot. And holy smokes, did I have some moments! I mean, I'd never want to repeat the same mistakes, but I have to find humor in it, like from an observer point of view. That's been a big difference maker for me, just realizing that I was such a dolt as recently as yesterday, but I feel like I've lowered from my peak on the Idiot Resonance Scale, where I feel like I've had the high score from time to time. Then again, maybe not. Hey Mike, if you're reading this a year from the time it's published, how's it workin' out now? Hammer down!
There are shows we've been watching around here. We're taking a deep dive into the Daredevil wing of the Marvel Universe. We re-watched the first three seasons and then watched the new Disney season, the most recent. The first three seasons were on Netflix, and wow.... certainly not your typical Marvel fare, here. Charlie Cox plays Matt Murdock/Daredevil, and this is going to be kind of the Christopher Reeve-as-Superman kind of thing in that no one can play Daredevil as good as him again. The direction blows me away! So many lengthy one-shots, where there's no cut in the action. And it's grounded action, not very many gunfights. Spec-freakin'-tacular martial arts all throughout, and man can Daredevil take a shitkickin'. And this cast is on another level. Everyone's roles mean something in this show, and man, Vincent D'onofrio's take on Wilson Fisk/Kingpin is as good as it gets. None of the characters in this show are wasted, either. Where season 4 faltered was, I believe, Kevin Feige got involved and made it considerably Marvel-y. Which is fine, Marvel movies are fine - but Daredevil is the grittiest sort-of-superhero show around that sets the standard for me. The newest version gives us a glitzier look, but meanders a bit with the story until toward the end. Upon finishing season 4, I am looking forward to season 5.
