Report Card

It's November.  Right now.  Kinda wild, really, because I'm lying in bed at 4 in the morning with the bedroom windows wide open.  It's 16 C out!  Not complaining.

I have cause for celebration on a personal front, in that it's been slightly over 3 months since my last anxiety attack.  It's freaky that I've gone this long without any real trouble, and before that, it was since February.  This has been a banner year for my mental health issues.

That's not to say that everything is totally smooth sailing.  I still let thoughts creep into my head a lot, about the usual things.  "Do I matter?  Does 'x' friend still care?  What have I done wrong?  Why am I retired, really?  Am I an impediment to the lives of those around me, or an asset?  Am I good for anything at all?"  So hey, why not answer those to myself right now.

Do I matter -- everyone matters.  We all make up this fabric around us called Life.  Remove just one of us from it, and the world changes.  Some people call it the Butterfly Effect.  And it's valid.  Just tonight, for whatever reason, the thought of an old friend from school in grade 7 (my first year in grade 7, no less) whose name was Jamal Islam, approached me in Mr. Chiasson's class, our homeroom, where he put his hand on my shoulder and asked me, "hey Mike!  Buddy, you okay?"  My father had died a week and a half ago.  The sincerity in his eyes was evident.  I was moved by the gesture enough that it staked an eternal memory in my psyche, and for that moment, I felt like I did matter during a time when I questioned everything.  I didn't know Jamal all that well, but never had a problem with him.  He was one of those incredibly gifted kids intellectually, and to feel concern from someone clearly beyond the spectrum of my own cranial capabilities was reassuring.  It kind of helped shape the kind of person I am today, whether I was conscious of it or not.  That gift, that small gesture, is passed on through me to others, whom I have to believe had the same kind of profound effect on their lives.  Knowing this, and reminding myself of it even now, reinforces my belief that I do matter.  That Everyone Matters.  And even the smallest kind gesture has a chance to create a ripple effect that can help change the world for the better.

Does 'x' friend care - I don't know.  There are many who have dropped off of my radar over the years.  For various reasons.  I don't believe I have enemies.  I feel like everyone who's been a friend is always a friend, and if there's been a parting of ways, reconciliation is just waiting to happen, if needed.  I hate confrontation, though, and when someone picks a fight or argument with me, I have to ask myself if it's a debate, or an argument.  To me, a debate doesn't need a winner.  It's just an airing out of one side of a story; and really it can just be a discussion.  An argument, on the other hand, is almost always hostile to varying degrees, where one tries to intimidate the other.  And I hate arguments.  I allow myself to get drawn into them one too many times, and I always regret it.  It's polarising, and creates division.  Arguments have cost me friends over the years.  And by that, I mean mostly by their choice.  Like I say, if you're a friend of mine, I will always be yours.  If you choose not to be a friend to me, that's your decision also.  There are exceptions, of course, in extenuating circumstances.  But when I stop to question if a friend cares, I try not to let it impact the fact that I always will.  

What have I done wrong - God, I'm always doing things wrong.  This is a thing with people like me with really high anxiety.  I'm always asking myself if I could have done something better.  Always second guessing myself.  I could have done more, or whatever.  I think the grace in questioning myself about these things is that I continually want to improve as a person.  No one should stop trying to improve themselves, just never at the expense of someone else.  For the benefit of others, though, that's true grace, to me.  But I still often punish myself for doing things wrong.  At work, that's how it was a lot, with every job I've had, but especially in the last 10-12 years.  I still have dreams now about screwing up on the job.  About language I may have used, things I've done, whatever.  I'm trying to learn to control it, but it's a big job every day to do so.  I look back through the years and often recollect some terrible things I've done and just have a hard time forgiving myself.  As hard as this is to a person with mental illness like me, I prefer to think of that as a tool to help improve myself as I go forward.  It can be hard at times.  And when it gets too hard, that's when I have anxiety attacks.  They began to get frequent at work toward the end of my last job.  Looking at it all from a third person perspective, I can visualise that it's not as big of a deal as I initially make it out to be.  But again, that's the damning thing of mental illness - I can't always convince myself of my innocence.  

And so, Why am I retired really?  This is a question that dogs me every day.  I'm perfectly able-bodied.  In fact, I got a check up recently where the doctor told me my health was exemplary.  I exercise a lot, don't eat terribly at all, hardly drink; I think the only snafu with my health is my sleeping pattern, which I just can't seem to get on track.  But not having to work makes that a lot more manageable than if I was working.  For various reasons, I lack the ability to learn things as quickly as most others would, but there are areas where I can pick things up perhaps quicker than others.  It's just that, in those areas I excel at, they're pointless in the workforce.  I often say I'm a fountain of useless information.  I'd love to be great at math instead of being able to pick out plot points in a complicated movie, for example.  So maybe I should be a movie or music critic?  Right.  That's what the world needs.  Another thing I'm learning as I age is that folks aren't necessarily looking for an opinion that's contrary to theirs.  Being retired, if I indeed am on disability, has its drawbacks.  Socialising with others takes a nose-dive when you're removed from the workforce.  Most people have jobs where they're co-operating with others to get things done, which in turn creates friendships and various beneficial mutual arrangements.  The problem with me is, I have such a high standard of my own performance that when I don't live up to it, I withdraw and punish myself for it.  So, here I am.  Maybe I really shouldn't be so hard on myself.

Am I an impediment to those around me, or an asset - I think I'm an asset to my wife, most of the time.  I tell her the unabashed truth about something when she needs to know it, and offer to help improve it.  I prefer to encourage than discourage.  Especially the older I get, I find the gentler I get.  I don't know if that's supposed to be an age thing or not, but I remember when I was younger how a lot of older people are just more chill than the young upstarts.  I see it in my siblings.  The larger the families are, the more squabbles there seems to be, but as they get older, I guess we all see how pointless and meaningless our differences are.  We can learn to bring ourselves together through our differences rather than spread ourselves apart, because it can be a learning process.  And learning keeps us young, right?  We stop learning, and that's when we really start to get old.  So, when I'm around people nowadays, I try to add something positive to the air, like Jamal did when my Dad died.  I've learned that although you should forgive but not necessarily forget, even more importantly, you should never forget the good things that people have done for you; how they made you feel, so you can pass that same blessing onto others.  Something I'm working on is having the confidence to realise that this is just what I'm doing when I compliment someone, or console them when times are tough.  That's being an asset.

Am I good at anything at all - my problem there is, maybe I am good at some things, but I need confirmation from others to believe it.  I love giving compliments and reassurance to others, but ... this is tough:  I feel like I resist commendation for my own generosity.  If I am generous in any way, that is.  I used to think I was an okay drummer, for example, back in my younger years.  Then I got a lot of negative criticism that make me essentially give up playing for years.  I can't imagine telling anyone they're not good at what they do, so when I hear it, it kind of breaks my heart.  The last person I worked for made me feel unwelcome and expendable, and after over ten years on the job, I got no thanks or goodbye at all - in fact, it felt like 'good riddance'.  I may not have done my job perfect, but I gave it my all.  And to have that effort discarded and ignored devastated me.  In fact, I can't seem to get over it.  I know for a fact lies have been told about me, because my wife caught my last boss in one.  Thus, my confidence is decimated.  I really don't feel like I'm good at anything, just okay at this and that.  But essentially not good.

One of the things that I've been 'okay' at recently, though, is fundraising for the Movember event that takes place every year, where guys grow a mustache and/or perform some fitness challenge to raise money for prostate cancer research and treatment, as well as men's mental health awareness.  I managed to reach my goal of $500 in the first week of the month-long or so challenge, with the spectacular help of my generous donors, who I really feel the need to represent proudly.  Prostate cancer is pervasive in men my age, but there's also a history to it, in that my brother Roy is a prostate cancer survivor.  It was the sole reason that I decided to do it.  And also, there's a family friend, also a Mike, who's a survivor.  Just this past week, as well, the husband of a dear friend of mine, Kelly, found out he has a recurrence of the disease that made me put the whole effort in a new perspective.  It's made the effort to represent this cause all that more meaningful.  And perhaps selfishly, the fact that it benefits men's mental health is also a driving force.  Not just for me, but for friends of mine, whom I won't mention because of the stigma that surrounds the whole subject.  But I do this for them, too.  It might sound cheesy or something, but these people, these causes, all make me want to do well with this thing.  I guess I should also mention that when I was debating with myself whether or not to do it, I kind of panicked.  What if no one donated?  What if folks thought I was just doing this for myself?  Will I look selfish?  Would anyone believe me if I said I really cared about this?  What if I just do this all wrong?  My heartbeat quickened at all these 'what-ifs'.  I decided maybe this isn't for me after all.  For a day.  Then I ultimately got out of my comfort zone and decided to jump in with both feet.  I'm glad I did, as now I see it means something to some people.  But, I don't see me doing it every year or anything.  I really don't like getting around with my hand out looking for money, even if it's not for me directly.  Just typing that line right there makes me feel uncomfortable.

And I don't want accolades for it, either.  It really is a meaningful cause to me, and all those affected.  To anyone who has donated, I sincerely love you for it.  No matter the amount, you pledged and you're making a difference.  I also appreciate those who support me who can't donate.  I know how it can be.

And with that, I'll sign off for the time being.  

Thank you so much for taking your precious time to read my ramblings.  

Musings

IMAX

We went to see 'Avatar' at an IMAX theatre recently.  It was restored in 4K in 3D, and was absolutely amazing to look at.  If you've been to an IMAX theatre, you know the spectacle of it.  We did see it in IMAX when it was originally released, but it seemed to almost live more this time.  I think people's perspectives change as the years go by and their tastes evolve, and perhaps if a film is good enough, things will stand out more as the story has aged, and people have experienced more.  I felt the same when we saw 'Jaws' in IMAX, too.  I have a heightened appreciation for character development in shows now, compared to maybe when I seemed to just veer toward action-centric films for their special effects or whatever.  Watching 'Avatar' again like this, I felt more emotionally vested in the story.  Climate change is a much more relevant issue than it was 13 years ago, and I think future 'Avatar' movies are going to make people take it a bit more seriously.  I think that's what director James Cameron is banking on, being a scientist/environmentalist himself.

Word Up

Something I also took in very recently was 'Blade Runner', specifically Ridley Scott's ultimate cut, or whatever he calls it; the one that came in the boxed set that he released some years ago.  I forgot how cool that package is.  It's got all the versions of the movie, a disc full of extras, storyboard cards, a little hover-police-car replica, lots of reading material, and it all comes in a little briefcase like you see in the film.  This time, we watched the movie with subtitles on, which is making us re-discover movies.  It's amazing the things that you realize you've missed once you've tried doing it.  The collection that I have is in DVD format and not blu-ray, although the ultimate version you'd swear is blu ray, as it's very high def.  If you've never seen the show with subtitles on, I recommend you give it a try.  For any of your old favorite movies, for that matter.

Strange Theory

Watching 'The Handmaid's Tale' this season, I'm really impressed how they've re-invented the show, finally getting it out of the June-escapes-Gilead-but-returns-to-help/save-'X' formula - at least somewhat.  Elizabeth Moss' 'June' character is morphing into a heavy PTSD victim with a vengeance against those who've wronged her, and she's more dangerous and edgy with each episode, it seems.  What I'm noticing about this season is the parallel of Gilead to Trumpism, and how it's seeping into Canada, like everything that happens in the U.S. seems to happen here eventually.  The frightening thing is how prophetic this show has become.  It's actually a warning of where we're headed if we don't change course, and that warning is pretty frightening.  The scariest idea of all is that the U.S. could become a theocracy, with Canada following behind.  And we're not out of the woods with that idea possibly becoming true.

Jungle Gyms

We've been going to the gym for a number of years now, and I want to stress that I'm not bragging about it.  This is just matter-of-fact stuff - and maybe if you are considering joining one, maybe even a bit of a heads-up.  We first started going to the YMCA here in Moncton many years ago, and that became an off and on membership, but mostly on.  We did leave a few times for numerous reasons, none of which are really all that important, even if I did have valid misgivings about it back in the day.  But the fact is, it's right down the street from where we live, making it perfect for the wife to go regularly, as she wants to stay active as a means of fighting off her chronic arthritis ailments and fibromyalgia.  So, that's the main reason we've been going there...  though we've very recently left once again for similar reasons as before.  For many years, we were subsidized because of our low income, but we don't have such financial issues anymore and we paid regular price, which is a little over $100/month for the two of us.  For that price, you get to work out, play basketball or whatever in the gym, access to the pool, but all of this doesn't mean much to us except for the 'wellness center', which is what the workout portion is.  The Y's drawbacks these days are mainly equipment-wise.  A lot of it's breaking down, and they're in no rush to have it repaired, whatever the reason for that may be.  Plus there's a LOT of kids lately.  The gym seems to be getting more cramped with less actual working equipment and more people.  This is all making us question why we bothered paying so much for so little.  We did enlist at Planet Fitness, however.  It's $25/month for a membership, with which you can bring a partner free - so the wife has the membership in her name, and we just both go all the time.  The place is huge, with lots of cardio equipment; and dare I say perhaps too much.  The free-weights area is quite small, and is usually quite busy.  The machines they have are pretty spiffy and up-to-date, though, and I've yet to see a piece of broken down equipment that the Y suffers so much from.  Familiarity is the difference here, I think.  We did love the Y because of its location, but compared to Planet Fitness, PF has the superior equipment, space and general access; not to mention it's open 24 hours, where the Y's hours are much more limited.  Fit 4 Less is much like PF, almost a carbon copy, actually.  But F4L gets broken down equipment a fair bit, at least when we went.  And if you're not careful, you'll be dealing with the shoe nazis at the door.  F4L has pretty much the same pricing policies as PF, making both gyms a cheap and effective alternative to pricey places like the Y or Goodlife.  In short, with our experience, the gym with the most jungle-type atmosphere is the Y, and I can't endorse them at this point, but the other two get a passing grade.  Anyway, if you do like working out, I suggest you try THIS WORKOUT for back and shoulder day by the mighty Chad Hollmer.  It's become my go-to.  Same with the wife.  I find it fascinating, noticing at any gym with us in our mid 50s, we're usually the oldest people there.  The amusing thing I notice is that my 55 year old wife can hang with anyone, male or female, that train at the gym at any given time.  She outworks me on the treadmill.  She's kind of plateaued at losing weight, but I swear her size is shrinking.  And she's stronger than Wibby's home brew.  You don't want to piss her off, let me put it that way.

Misfortune Tellers

To the post-Boomer generations, World War II seems like it's so long ago.  But I can remember the 80s like they were just last week, and we're talking forty-ish years ago.  Back in the 80s, though, forty years ago brings you to war times.  That freaks me out a bit.  Korea and Vietnam would happen, too, even closer to the present that was the 80s.  It all makes me realize just how short life is.  I'll be my Dad's age this December, when he died.  When I think of the forty year difference, that puts Dad at teen-age.  So really, Dad lived through WWI and II both.  I find myself wanting to know how family members recall history, as a lot of times, real recollections from real people contrast images and information that you discover in media and general history.  I have to think that our daughter, who's 26, must read or hear about things like Chernobyl, the Persian Gulf War, Reaganomics, the Nirvana era, 9/11 and other things and think they're as ancient as we thought the 40s were.  It freaks me out a bit, and forces me to come to terms with my age; how healthy I am, where am I headed financially, especially now that I'm on permanent disability, seeing the world evolve technologically while I look upon a lot of stuff the way my Mom used to get confused operating a VCR, but perhaps the most numbing thing I'm facing is seeing people I know going away, without warning most times.  They're dying in their 40s and early 50s - some of them actually cheating death, thank God.  But too many don't.  And it makes me confront the reality that anyone can go at any time, yours truly included.  Growing old truly is a privilege that I'm witnessing not all of us get to enjoy.  Sadly.  So very sadly.  Taking all of this in, it's made me take stock of what matters in life, and asking myself why on earth do I take too many things so seriously, because very little matters when you're confronting your mortality.  It forces you to ask the question of yourself... if I were to die tomorrow, how would I be remembered?  Not just generally, either.  How would you be remembered by the friend you had for years, but you stopped talking because he didn't pay you back that $20?  Staring down at mortality, $20 doesn't mean shit, does it?  Neither do so many other things that are worth far more.  Anyway, I've learned to argue less, and discuss more.  There's a big, big difference.

IMacs

But what a time the eighties were, right?  If you're old enough to have experienced that era, that is.  I've often remarked that it was the best of times, beyond any personal difficulties I experienced myself.  The music was great and fun, and abundant - there was something for everyone.  There was rockabilly, hair metal, regular rock and roll, dance and techno, country, pop, even classical had its day in the sun.  People went out and danced downtown.  Bands were everywhere.  Malls popped up all over the place because people loved to mingle among one another.  We all hung out!  It was the social golden age.  But politics was beginning to take a sharp turn.  Canada had Mulroney, who was well intentioned, but couldn't get the deficit under control.  Reaganomics took hold in the States and spread to Canada, too.  Unions disappeared as a result.  By the end of the 80s, a recession was being dealt with.  The nuclear arms race ramped up between the U.S. and the U.S.S.R.  The threat of nuclear annihilation was always there.  Then Chernobyl happened, and communism began to dissipate, followed by the split of the Soviet Union.  There were reputable news shows and newspapers to report on it, though. There was AIDS.  The ozone layer was depleting, which we learned to fix by eliminating chlorofluorocarbons.  But you know what?  We dealt with all of it, relatively quite calmly.  We didn't all fight each other and judge each other over opinions.  Now it's today... for music, we have hip hop and country and leftover rock bands from the 80's.  Shopping malls gave way to staying home and shopping online.  Nobody dances at all anymore.  Hanging out got replaced by fighting online and in chat rooms.  We're basically being told to fear pretty well everything.  The common denominator of all this versus the 80s?  The internet.  We got on fine without it before it ever showed up.  Not long after it popped up in the later 90s though, so did hatred, misogyny, greed, self righteousness... all of which existed before, but suddenly had the added ingredients of anonymity and lack of accountability.  Some people will point to the Clinton era for blame - because of a cigar and blowjob.  When really, the Clinton administration brought the deficit to heel for the first time since I've been alive, at least.  So did the Chretien government in Canada.  Enter the internet and Microsoft, and here we are.  I know there's irony in me writing this and you reading it right now on the web, but indeed, that's kind of my point.  It's EVERYWHERE.  If you've ever seen the HBO show "Westworld" lately, you can see where we just might be headed, and it's scary as hell.  And I put this to you -- that these just may be, and I would propose hopefully -- the wild west days of the internet.  The web needs a reboot, that employs privacy and accountability in tandem, though it would take bright and noble minds to make that happen.  It needs to be governed against lies and slander, particularly in political matters.  But if I didn't know any better today, I would have to ponder whether or not there's some kind of AI that's working to make people hate and wipe each other out.  If that sounds far fetched, take a look at the current richest man in the world, Elon Musk.  He will soon take over Twitter and grant what he deems as "free speech" to the likes of Donald Trump, a master at inciting division and hatred.  Musk was once the darling of those who dreamed of a prosperous future, fighting climate change with electric ideas, championing the downtrodden, even musing on universal basic income.  As the years go by and the richer he becomes, the more dangerous he gets.  Musk is a proponent of AI tech to replace human workers.  Will AI eventually figure out that humanity is actually the source of all the planet's woes and devise algorithms to divide and destroy ourselves?  An AI mechanised society would survive fine without humanity.  The future doesn't need us.  And it may be more prosperous without us.  It wouldn't take a hell of a lot of logic for AI to figure that out.

Anyway, those are my stories and I'm stickin' to 'em.

Thanks so much for giving me a moment to share my words with you.  

Random Thoughts

 We're currently in the midst of watching the newest season of "Cobra Kai" on Netflix.  What a great show that is.  Not unlike "Stranger Things", it's a huge nod to the 80's and asks you basically to let the story tell itself and to allow yourself to be entertained by it.  Realism is secondary, just like shows in the 80's.  I remember those days watching shows and it was all about pure fun without politicization of current events or any Woke crap.  And it's almost entirely unpredictable.  There'll be a theatrical cinematic movie follow-up after this season - at least I think this season.  Maybe the next.  It's pretty great fun if you're willing to give it a try.

What happened to WWE anyway?  I've always loved pro wrestling.  The theatre, the bombast, the soap opera for action fans aspect of it, the characters, good guy vs bad guy dynamic.  But I stopped watching WWE when I learned Vince McMahon's wife, Linda, was going full throttle in helping get Trump re-elected for president.  Even after the coup attempt and his subversion of democracy all to protect himself.  Now that they're apparently divorced, I thought I might give it a shot again.  Well... the big pay-for-sex scandal came to light where it's alleged by a lot of women in the company that he paid them off to have sex with him and keep it quiet.  It goes deeper than that, but I'll spare the rest.  So then Paul "HHH" Levesque takes over creatively while Vince resigns as CEO and his daughter Stephanie takes over.  I thought I'd take a look.  Being a fan of the upstart AEW promotion, I thought it'd be nice to have two different formats to watch.  Well... I went and turned on WWE programming a few times and was aghast at how astray they've gone.  It's unwatchable to me right now.  It truly is "sports entertainment" like they call it while AEW is "pro wrestling", with far less talk and far more action.  With my long lost Pop having been a big wrestling fan back in the day, I can't imagine he'd put up with the long, drawn out stuff on WWE these days.  Maybe I'll try again a lot later.

Summer is over --- yes, it was hot and humid a lot.  Uncomfortable, even.  But I'll take that over what's to come any day.  Shorter days, rainy fall weather with herky jerky temperatures, dead trees, dead leaves, dead grass; "oh but I love the colors" I'll hear all over the place.  I'm not crazy about all those colors all over the lawn that demand to be raked lest there be a big pain in the ass job to do in the spring.  When it's not raining, that is, because Fall is all about rain.  People seem to forget that too when they wave the Summer Is Dead/Long Live Autumn flag.  I don't dread Fall, I just hate that it's the bridge between the hot sunny days and the long, cold, dark winter nights.  Still, I'll find things to keep me busy.

My Red Sox blew chunks this season, outside of June anyway.  On paper, they looked like a solid contender when Spring came, but then the injury bug bit and just hung around pretty much the whole damn season.  Shit happens.  Boston is not immune to that fact.  I'm wondering if Bogaerts and Devers will still be on the team come the offseason.  They'd better be.  I've read Aaron Judge is a free agent after this season and he won't rule out going to Boston, saying he loves their fan base.  This begs the question... would Boston actually let Devers and Bogaerts go to free up funds to accommodate Judge?  I'd sooner they didn't.  But Judge being on Boston's roster is intriguing to think of.  Anyway, let's see what the Jays do now, where they're poised for the post-season.

KISS is supposed to schedule another 100 dates for the "End of the Road" tour probably taking them to a finish next summer.  This gives me hope that I'll get to see this tour.  As most of my friends know, I was ripped off by Ticketmaster when I got tickets for a show in Bangor, but then covid hit, the borders closed and we couldn't go because of it.  Ticketmaster refused to refund me for my three tickets, so I lost over $400.  Lesson learned.  But I wish Ticketmaster didn't have such a hold on the ticket industry.  It's like a buddy of mine said, it's organized crime, and the governments won't even glance at it.  I've contacted media outlets about what happened to me, and none of them will even acknowledge me.  Here in Moncton, we used to have Ticketron, which I think is based in Quebec.  Prices were pretty reasonable with them.  A Bryan Adams show we saw in Moncton cost us maybe $140 for a pair of tickets.  I brought my wife to a show of his for her birthday, and that ticket price doubled, because it was through Ticketmaster this time.  Of course, there's the new building too, but all those "fees" attached to the ticket are all going to Ticketmaster.  Anyway, I'm keeping my ear to the ground about KISS coming around these parts.  I gotta see my boys one last time.  That band got me through so much in life.  And they're STILL HERE.

Speaking of Bryan Adams, after seeing the great show he put on supporting his new "So Happy It Hurts" record, we got those last two albums he put out that we didn't get around to getting, that one and "Shine a Light".  Listening to both, SHIH sounds like an apology for SAL.  SAL just is not Adams as I know him.  It's him doing his damndest to appeal to the younger generation right now, and not really pulling it off.  But he goes right back to basics on SHIH.  In KISS terms, if SAL is Adams' "Unmasked", maybe SHIH is his "Creatures of the Night".  This year I'd say my favorite new CD up to know would be Ty Tabor's "Shades".  Ty being of King's X.  Not a bad song on that album, and in fact some really great ones.  Also got the new King's X, "Three Sides of One".  Loving it so far.  Can only give a fair judgement on it after a while, though.  Nice to hear Jerry Gaskill get to sing more.  He's kind of King's X's George Harrison, except he's a drummer.  Also great hearing Doug Pinnick go so deep lyrically.  Really I think the only pop star I'm curious about is Dua Lipa.  I love her voice.  Muscular, tight vocal cords are admirable, but more admirable is how much of a person's soul is waving from underneath.  It's why listening to cover bands is often so uninvolving.  It's because they aren't involved or invested in the writing.  A lot of cover bands really are good too, though.

We re-watched the movie "Tenet" the other night, for the third time now.  I didn't look too favorably upon this movie when it first came out, and then it bothered me after a while that I didn't like it.  Clearly it's a well crafted, mega-deep movie where you can see the $$ spent on the visuals.  Well, then I used the subtitles option.  BOOM.  Brand friggin' new movie.  Now I appreciate the story, all the acting jobs in it, the direction of course, Everything.  I've come to realize the more you watch this, the more you get it.  And you feel smarter every single time.  And, if you're reading this and you haven't seen it yet, you can choose to go in cold with the subtitles and watch the movie, or you can go to THIS LINK and read up on the movie first, although kinda blowing the movie, but you'll want to watch it again.  And again.  So anyway, yeah I did order the blu ray on Amazon.  I believe "Tenet" is this generation's "Blade Runner", where it didn't make a huge load in its theatrical release, but gets its value appreciated year over year.  I'd bet the ranch on it.

As a matter of fact, "Tenet", will make you question reality itself.  I question the very nature of the future.  I think it could just be an illusion.  No one's any good at predicting it.  What if the moving present, the here and now, is all there was?  There's no past.  If something happened, it's impossible to go back to it.  Neither can you go forward in time further than it naturally allows.  You can have film and photographs or whatever, but it still won't effectively physically bring you back there.  What if our memories have been written and we didn't experience them at all?  You can't prove or disprove it.  Anyway, so that's what this movie does to your head.

Lastly, a PSA about PSA's... guys, especially us older ones, need to get their prostate-specific antigen tests done regularly.  My beloved brother Roy caught prostate cancer in its tracks with it many years ago and is alive today because of it.  Thus, with prostate cancer being in my family, I keep an eye on it, but just because it isn't in your family doesn't mean you won't get it.  I had mine checked very recently, the doc said 2.5 or so is average for a guy my age, and it was 1.5.  Score!  Peace of mind is everything.  Get it checked.  It's a simple blood test and it could save your life.  Ladies, get your guys checked.  Doesn't hurt to have your PSA checked no matter what your age.  Any guy can get prostate cancer.  Vigilance is key.

Thanks for reading!