Personal Blog: Carry That Weight

It's been a great summer - albeit kind of soggy in this neck of the woods here in New Brunswick, Canada.  But looking around at all the mayhem caused by weather in so many other parts of the world, including here in my own country, actually especially my own country, I can't validate any complaints I might have had.

Last year, on August 2, I suffered my last violent anxiety attack, where I turned a utility knife on myself and cut up my legs and arms.  No need to get into reasons why.  But it did prompt an adjustment in my medication, which has helped quite incredibly really, and I've been in perhaps the most serene place in my entire life since I can remember.

It hasn't come without some challenging times and days, of course, like everyone has.  I've learned to recognize triggers and how to stare them down; to remove myself from situations that may prompt an oncoming attack.  Everyone who suffers from chronic anxiety is unique in their symptoms and what brings them on.  I'm certainly not a 'textbook case' of an anxiety sufferer.  Mine originates mainly from physical trauma early in life.  Thus, medication proved to be crucial to getting me out of that hole that at times appeared bottomless.  But it takes more than just meds.

It takes a family, friends, spirituality, and education to shine light where it's needed the most.  It started out without any hint of a light at all whatsoever.  So much is known about physical trauma's connection to chronic anxiety now than was back in the day.  It's made me look back on my own past and taking a look at what I'm ashamed of, actions-wise, and look at it in a third-person kind of perspective.  Would I be so condemning of a person that has the same kind of past and circumstances, from an outsider's point of view?  Today, I certainly would not.

But time is the great teacher, isn't it?  Not only does it provide you with a chance to look back, but it gives you the option to not repeat.  It's true what they say, those who do not learn from history really are damned to repeat it.  That road had a lot of potholes and damage to it.  There's an alternate route that takes me to where I want to go.  Why take that same damaged road?  But I took the damaged road over and over again, in some instances.  It left me with many a flat tire, and catastrophic engine failure in some cases.  Life will make you learn one way or another.

In this past year, I've learned to just let a lot of things go.  Why the hell argue just for the sake of arguing?  If the conversation leads to hard feelings or hatred, disengage.  I'm still learning this, but I've come a long way.  Chances are you aren't going to change people's minds on anything, but you can help change them by simply setting an example.  "Do unto others", and so forth.

My nephew Shawn gave me a book called "The Book of Joy" that crucially made me re-adjust my outlook for the better.  I recommend it to anyone who feels like they've gotten a bum rap on life, or wonders "why me?" at any point in time.  Man... I was one of those "why me?" people for decades.  From time to time, I still am, but a whole lot less.  In reflection, patience is what I've always needed to get over such an outlook.  Patience and compassion.  Finding happiness in others' happiness.

Plus the blessings in my life are in great abundance.  Sure, I live on disability, a fixed income.  I'll never have the riches - the big job, the fancy car, a cottage of my own, the ability to travel much.  But like I said about letting go, it's more about what I have than what I don't, or won't.  I have a fantastic wife, whom I credit for my very existence today.  A wonderful daughter who made me stare down the menace that is anxiety/depression/PTSD, and fight it and fend it off (NOT 'win', because it's a lifelong battle).  I've got a few friends who've always been around.  We have a house that was basically a run-down shack when we moved in nearly 25 years ago, that has morphed into our own little palace, especially over the last year or so.  We have no debt, outside of our mortgage, which has a little over three years left.  We've got our kitty Marbles, who's steadfastly at my side providing love and support unconditionally every day.  I have a family full of forgiving and understanding siblings; and like every large family, we've had our ups and downs through the decades, but we always gravitate back together.  As we all get older, things tend to slide off our backs a little easier, knowing that petty crap is never worth it in the long run.  Going to church has helped a lot.  Mind you, I don't think I believe in quite the same version of God as a lot of others do.  To me, God is synonymous with love and forgiveness.  Anything antithetical to those things is contrary to the God I believe in.

I have my health, although at times it gets questionable, but nothing serious at all, outside of my mental health issues of course, which I've kept under control.  Although in recent months, I've been a bit paranoid.  Every seven or eight years, it seems, I've had to do battle with kidney stones.  The last time, in '15, I came a little too close to losing a kidney.  Had Janice not forced me to go to outpatients and demanded I be looked at a lot more closely than I had been (indeed, I got surgery that day), I'd be down one.  So now, my guard is up whenever I feel that familiar ache in my back.  I wound up with a couple of stones that showed up on an x-ray a few months ago that looked to be on the move.  For three months, the pain kind of increased.  Long story short, I pissed the little bugger out (ha... try saying a kidney stone is "little" to anyone who's had one) just tonight.  It wasn't pleasant, that's for sure, but it was a relief.  I was scheduled to go for a CT scan for it, but now that's not in the cards anymore.  But, while I was filling up the bird feeder we have in our yard today, which I need a ladder for and Janice to hold it while I do it, I wound up taking a ten foot drop to the ground when the ladder gave way to a weak branch.  I'm now the proud owner of some kind of rib injury, either cracked or an intercostal thing.  Having experienced both, I'd say the intercostal might be a bit more painful, but takes probably half the healing time that an actual fracture does.  I'm hoping that's what it is.  I do have Percocet because of my kidney stones, after all.  And THC.  But the yard looks good!  It's what I did all day yesterday.  I mowed Janice's mom's lawn and ours, which is a bit of a task when the mower isn't one of those propelled ones, and the lawn has a lot of hills.  And with my stubborn ass, I always have to do both lawns at once, even when I only set out to do one at a time.  Plus a ton of weed whacking.  Plus hedge and shrub trimming.  I wound up with a bit of a burn, making me look more Canadian than ever with my shades of red and white.  

Exercise has been a tremendous factor in keeping my physical AND mental health in check, too.  Janice has a Planet Fitness membership, which allows for a guest every time you go, and I would be that guest, so we go together all the time.  She's pretty determined to walk a total of 1,000 miles by the end of the year, and she's over half way there.  Considering her ridiculous roadblocks, not the least of which is a knee to be operated on August 9, she's become inspirational to people, especially me.  She would say I'm the inspirational one, probably.  I push her a bit when we go, but that lady's a powerhouse.  You can not keep her down or in one spot too long.  For the better part of this year, she's gotten around with a cane, but she still goes to the gym and sweats it out with the best of them.  On my end, lots of weights and cardio have had many benefits.  I don't lift all that heavy, really.  I don't consider myself particularly strong.  All I know is that it makes me feel good.  I've really taken on stretching as a prominent part of my workouts, where it takes up around 45 minutes each time.  It's helped my mobility in ways I couldn't have imagined before I started getting serious with it.  Again, I'm no pro or some kind of yogi when I'm stretching, but what I've been doing works pretty great with me.  I look forward to when Janice can do all this stretching with me.  For now, she does extra cardio while I do my stretching.  We usually go every other day now.

Although one glaring issue with me is my right knee.  I'd just gotten it x-rayed yesterday, and the doc said that it looks the same as it did three years ago.  It sure doesn't feel the same!  After multiple times attempting to run again, finally a few days ago when I almost wiped out on the treadmill (and a few other times just walking), I bit the bullet and decided to give it attention.  It's hard to actually 'see' my doctor, so he just sent me for the x-ray, said I had osteo in my knee, and that was that.  At the rate I'm going, I may need Janice's cane when she's done with it.  But I'm tired of chasing health care practitioners about it.  It appears no one wants to believe me.  It hearkens back to ten years ago when I started limping every day for three years before I actually got an MRI and then told me I had a tear, bone fragments, and evidence of a fracture in my tibia before they told me "hey, you need surgery".  I feel like I'm on that same friggin' road.  But, at least this time, I'm not working.  So there's the blessing in that!

Still, the frustration in that nearly got away from me yesterday when I got stonewalled by the doc again about the x-ray.  Janice pushed and pushed me to get it addressed by the doctor for at least three months, and I finally caved, only to have to go to the back of the line again.  Whatever.  It's summertime!  There's fun to be had, a house and yard to enjoy, time to be spent with my wife, great food to eat, and people to see, especially in August when family convenes in Caissie Cape.  Janice will have most of August off because of her surgery, so I will happily wait on her hand and foot if needed, pretty much like she's done with Lexy and me since forever ago.  I've been incredibly fortunate all my life, especially through the down times, in that I've had people looking out for my own best interests when it counted the most.  I can't give enough credit to Janice.  Every time I'm in trouble, like a superhero she seems to show up to save the day.  I would like to think I do the same for her and Lexy.  But I believe those heights are perhaps too lofty for me to ever reach.

I can't be the guy that says "hang in there, things will get better", because I know too many people that have to deal with way, way worse than I ever have had to... people that I pray for.  But it is pretty important to have understanding for the plight of others.  We're all dealing with something, right?  

We all have to carry that weight - so maybe we should see that others are, too, and help them carry theirs.  We will heal ourselves when we help others.  Not to sound preachy.

As always, thanks so much for taking the time out of your precious day to read my very humble blog entry.  You are appreciated!

Observations: Off the Top of My Head

"Oppenheimer" is out in three weeks from the time I write this.  Really looking forward to it.  Might need a 'Stadium Buddy' piss bag, though, clocking in at over three hours long.  Still, it's gonna be worth it, especially in IMAX, which is Chris Nolan's specialty.  He actually had new film invented for the black and white version of IMAX to make this.  This will be... ahem... Explosive.

So.... "The Flash" movie bombed (no pun intended relating to the previous paragraph) in theatres in a pretty big and loud way.  I was counting on it being the blockbuster of the year, judging by all the hype.  Then I thought, there's likely a lot of people like me who are being choosey about the movies they go to because it's so friggin' expensive, right?  Plus, everything's out on streaming almost immediately afterwards, so if you're so-so on seeing a movie, wait a bit and it'll be on TV soon enough.  That's not good for the movie business at all.  And don't get me started on streaming... it's a bubble that's got to burst at some point, with there being way, way, WAY too many streamers on the market right now.  No one can afford all of them.  Although, Warner/Discovery, formerly HBO/Max (maybe they still are, they can't seem to make clear what they want to be called), quite possibly is going to sell a lot of their stuff to Netflix in the coming weeks.  This may signal co-operation with streaming outfits to share their product and make it more affordable to the masses.  Though I doubt it.  Big corporations rarely have the interests of affordability to the public in mind.

"Star Trek: Prodigy" has been canceled by Paramount.  To the surprise of countless Star Trek fans... of which I'm not one.  Not surprised, that is.  It's fine that you can make cartoons for just about anything these days, but don't expect everyone who watches live-action content to join the cartoon ride.  I don't know how "Lower Decks" stays on the air, either.  When "Picard" season 3 came out, and Trek fans watched it in droves - being the first Trek show to crack the streaming top 10 - to me, it said a lot.  The first Trek to crack the streaming top 10??  So "Discovery" must not have.  Or "Strange New Worlds".  The former fizzled out for me with season 4 (season 5 will be its last), and the jury's still out on the latter.  But familiarity should not be dismissed by Paramount, with Picard season 3 bringing back a lot of fan favorites and more concise storytelling.  My suspicion is that "Discovery" is on its last season because of ratings, though it hasn't been publicly said.  Honestly, it's a bit hard for me to believe in a show that's set around the 32nd century. 

Cutting the cord... something a lot of folks are doing lately; that is, getting rid of cable TV in favor of streaming and internet.  I have a problem with that, though, being that I like live stuff like the news.  I don't quite know what the best thing to do is just yet, especially considering options of a grand total of two cable companies in my area of the country.  I do like CBC Newsnet, but I won't watch CTV's new channel or the main network, because I simply don't like how they're treating people who work for them.  I like MSNBC a lot, namely Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow and a few others, but cripes, there has to be more going on in the world besides Trump and SCOTUS and Roe v Wade.  And CNN is just awful now.  I mean, they go and have Trump on their channel for a live town hall without rebuffing him on all his lies, get a big backlash about it, then Anderson Cooper comes on and says "people should get out of their silos" and listen to others??  Others like a wannabe dictator who failed at a coup of your country that you just gave free time to, to support a re-election bid?  Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?

Here in Canada, the Competition Bureau is finally getting off their asses and looking to diversify the grocery stores in the country, after Loblaws and Sobeys basically claimed ownership of everything, including corner stores.  But I feel it may be way too little, way too late.  But while they're at it, why not go after big telecom?  Bell and Rogers basically sucked up all the smaller tech and tel companies over the last number of decades without a peep from our governments, Liberal and Conservative alike, though the Liberals have their hands filthy dirty with basically giving millions upon millions to Loblaws for 'efficient fridges and freezers'.  And inflation is being driven right now by high food costs while giants like the aforementioned are raking in record profits.  Overall inflation is actually coming down -- so why are our food prices increasing?  Canada has one of the very best economies in the G7.  There is no excuse to let these grocery scalpers get away with ripping us off like this.

Ah, my beloved Boston Red Sox... they make it hard to be a fan these days.  Just this morning I read that owner John Henry is being accused of not giving a rat's ass about his team by paying all his attention to everything else.  If you don't want to support the team and its fans, sell it!  This year's team hearkens back to the dreadful '12 season when Valentine was coach.  And what a disaster that was.

Russia is quite a ball of wax these days.  The Wagner Group goes to Ukraine, gets their asses kicked, then goes back to Russia and kicks their own asses.  Pooty Poot feels threatened and gets help from the wannabe strongman in Belarus to get the Waggies out of Russia, only to get the Waggies' leader to be exiled to Belarus.  Buddy, stay away from tall buildings and open windows.  Better yet, park yourself by one.  And bring that bloodthirsty coward Putin with you on the way down.  The world is waiting to see what's going to happen to Russia in the coming weeks.  It's looking like Trump's golden parachute to Moscow isn't going to open anymore, doesn't it?

I've been reading this book in the last week or so, called "Them" by Whitley Strieber.  What an incredibly fascinating read.  I'm just about through it; the first part of the book talks about Strieber's experiences from his late 80's book "Communion" and the avalanche of letters he and his wife got from folks who had remarkably similar experiences with 'visitor abduction' and encounters.  He picked some prominent ones, and attempted to decipher what they mean, some of which he only realized after he thought about them for some years.  It's an incredibly descriptive, informative hypotheses on the stories that were brought to him that he brings much light and thought to that really makes you question the nature of everything around us, quite frankly.  His attempts to decode the nature of the visitations is quite remarkable.  And he doesn't just pull stuff out of his ass for facts... he has actual documented evidence, facts and files to supplement his findings.  I think it's something everyone could read and get something out of, and a lot of what he talks about could come into play in the coming years, for better and worse both.

Canada is on fire.  Not in a good, metaphorical way, either.  This reminds me of the rampant fires that happened in Australia not all that long ago.  This is not good.  Every spring when summer approaches, I get worried now, because every summer seems to be getting worse and worse, re: the effects climate change is having on our country.  New Brunswick, where I live, had some serious fire issues, but it was terrible in Nova Scotia, where numerous evacuations happened because of out of control blazes.  Now in Quebec, it's nuts.  They can't get a handle on the fires there at all, and countries from around the world have come to help.  The west is no better.  This is a record breaking year for forest fires in this country, and we're only halfway through the season.  I'm not optimistic about the future.

Anyway, one way to make the future better is to be kind, understanding and tolerant of each other.  As I try to be just this way, I hope you will too.

Take care, friends.

Observations: O & E

It's been a couple of months since I've been active here.  A few things going on.

First and most importantly for me, I'm now in my tenth straight month of no major anxiety attacks.  Or minor even, for that matter, really.  I give a whole lot of credit to my wife for keeping me on the straight and narrow track, ready to steady me whenever I start to wobble.  I have my up days and down days, and those down days have been greatly controlled and fewer and farther between.  Outside of my wife, I also give much credit to exercising frequently and getting the blood flowing.  It makes a big difference, and I fully endorse anyone who's going through anxiety issues to do just that - get your body moving.  Sometimes it's hard to get going, but once you do get going, you're so happy you did.  There are never any regrets to exercising.  But if you don't... there are plenty.  If you're reading this and you're giving it some thought, give a place like Fit 4 Less or Planet Fitness a shot.  Both places are extremely affordable.  Janice and I go to Planet Fitness and pay $25/month.  She's the member, and she gets to bring a friend everytime she goes, and that ends up being me, of course.  As a result, we're both improving ourselves.  It's not just me that's getting benefits from this.  Janice is in fantastic shape, even though she's greatly hindered by her arthritic ailments, fibro, and worst of all - a knee that is screwing with her mobility.  But, she gets on that treadmill and motors a good 5 to 7 miles every time we go.  She says as long as she gets to hold on to the bar on the machine, she's steady and can go without too much of a problem.  She's adamant about staying active, "use it or lose it".  For me, I'll do around 3 miles a day, and focus a lot on my weights and stretching.  While I do my stretching, Janice continues on the treadmill, since she can't do a lot of it because of her knee injury; which, incidentally, she finally has an appointment for with an ortho doc on May 31st.  We're both counting the days for this.  I so want her to get taken care of.  I've stepped up a bit, I think, to limit her having to do too much which may aggravate her injury.

Yesterday I finally got my appointment at the dentist to get a fitted crown put on a busted tooth; only to find out that it wasn't quite what the dentist wanted, per his standards, so he's sending it back for modifications and I'll try again in a few days when it comes in.  I appreciate that he's being a perfectionist about it.  Man, I've had so much bad luck with dentist visits over the years.  When I was very young, I had dental surgery to remove a double layer of teeth, something my brother Rick suffered with for decades, actually, until he was able to fix it.  I've had dry sockets, root canals, busted teeth - WAY too many, fillings fillings and more fillings, extractions gone wrong, and one time an uneven filling that caused an electric shock effect in my mouth that I had to endure for nearly an hour; I'm pretty sure I would've gone insane if I had to wait to get it fixed.  The dentist took me in right away because he knew what it was.  Not that long ago, I had a mutant molar taken out that complications, let's say.  It had to be broken apart in my mouth and taken out in pieces, in an over hour long procedure that wasn't exactly anticipated.  Of course, that was followed by dry socket, which was treated with clove oil, which made me sick to my stomach.  It's amazing I don't actually fear going to the dentist now.

We were going to get our kitchen refitted with Ikea cabinets and stuff, so we took a trip down to Halifax to look at what they had at the Ikea store there, which we'd never been to.  Lord God, that place is it's own city, it's so huge.  I would say around three times the size of Moncton's Costco building, and I see why now that Halifax was chosen to get the store, as Moncton is just too small in comparison.  We were there for a good three plus hours looking around, and got some ideas for the kitchen.  Our carpenter guy that gave us instructions in what to look for told us to make sure we try the meatballs.  Man alive, those things are bitchin'!  Of course, what do I get when it's available, even at a Swedish furniture store world famous for its meatballs?  Fish & chips, of course.  Which was great, by the way, and cheap.  Pretty much everything in this store is ridiculously affordable and great quality.  We now understand what all the fuss is about.  We picked up these oatmeal cookie wafer thingies that I now which we filled our trunk with, along with these chocolate bars that beat the snot out of anything Lindt has ever made.  And once again, CHEAP.  I really should've stocked up on this stuff.  Anyway, we left with a few things, including a cabinet vanity for the bathroom, which is being spiffed up currently.

Speaking of spiffed up, our kitchen is underway with a marathon makeover.  It's taking a lot longer than we bargained for because we've had to order countertops from a maker in town, taking at least two weeks to come in.  Everything's held up at the moment while we wait for that crucial piece of the puzzle, because we can't wash dishes or anything until that happens, which is when.... ahem.... we let that sink in.  We bought a brand new one with hardware, new flooring, new cabinets and hardware, and we're going to have to paint when it's all done.  The great thing about it all is that it's all paid for, no loans or credit to get it all done.  Plus... we're having a new backyard chain link fence put in and gutters installed on the house in the coming weeks.  Pretty much the entire house will look radically different when all the work is done, at least from the inside.  It's long overdue.  The month of May has been one where we must exercise our patience, though, while it's being done.  No kitchen sink has made life more difficult than we expected, but the payoff is coming.

I got the MLB network for the year once it came on special so I could watch my Red Sox games.  It's been up and down so far for my boys, with the batting being stellar, but they're stinking out the joint with the lousy pitching.  But that's being addressed, allegedly, and we'll see how that pans out as the weeks advance.  I think the AL East is the toughest division in the game right now, so it's going to be a battle.

I haven't been playing my drums for an extended period now with all the work going on in the house, but hopefully that will pick up when things cool off a bit, maybe in June.  Something I've been wanting to do is break out my video camera and record drums to songs, maybe even requests, to post on YouTube or something so guitar players can turn up their speakers and jam along.  I have to get my chops back first, though.  Playing for a week or two should fix that.  I'm a little concerned at how my Dupuytren's Contracture might affect that, though.  It usually affects a couple of fingers on each hand, but I've got it showing up in my thumbs too.  I likely got it from lifting and stacking heavy pallets at the store through the ten years of my last job.  The doctor referred me to a specialist a few months ago, but I haven't heard a word yet.  Also, my right knee is acting up again, the one I had surgery on.  When I got an MRI for it last year, I was told there was a small tear in the ligament, but it's not bad enough to do anything about it.  So I guess I have to wait until it just snaps altogether?  It's made me decide to stop running, for the most part anyway.  I'm still in pretty reasonable shape for a 57 year old dude.  Our workouts at the gym typically go anywhere from five to seven days a week, up to three hours at a time.  It's like I said, once you get in a groove, it's not a chore to go anymore.  You actually miss going if you don't make it.

Our little guy Marvelous Marbles Hagler is going to be 18 next month.  He'd been vomiting bile for a little bit this year, and not eating his food as much, so we wondered if changing his food would be an option.  We were getting him dry food all his life, so we decided to make the dramatic shift to wet food.  Now he hardly ever gets sick, put on some healthy weight, his coat is nice and soft and shiny, and he just seems more himself.  The stuff we feed him now, after I did some research, is Blue Buffalo.  He just ran out of his supply of 'fine cigars' (meatstick treats), so we'll be making a day trip to Maine this weekend to get away for a few hours, and get him his snacks.  Anytime we leave for any length of time, I feel guilty leaving him, though.  He's very attached to us - maybe me in particular.

Alexandra and Cole are doing fine, though they have their struggles, just like Janice and me did when we were that age.  The difference being, when Janice and me were struggling living in a dark basement apartment for years in the 90's, with me trying to get a job and just not succeeding, we had little to no support.  We make sure that the same won't happen with them.  Most folks are struggling to find their way in their 20's, but it's a time of learning.

Not much else to report for now.  I could've just stuck this on facebook when it happened at the time, but I'd rather give people an opt-out choice for that.  That is, you can click the link to come here or just not.  Plus I get to record my goings-on to look back on.  And I'm not real crazy about critiquing things like I used to be.  

So, fire up those colortinis and watch those pictures as they fly through the air.  Good day, good night, and good luck.