What I'm thinking is I might create another blog space to write about what's been going on with me specifically. I've kind of found that the topics I've been exploring here are a bit redundant, and maybe self-focused... or maybe that was the point? I forget. By the way, I'm getting old. At least I remember that.
But for those few of you who follow what's up on my blog here in the efforts of getting an update on the fabulous wellgoodgravy boy, I'll give you the gist of it while I figure out what I'm going to do with all that.
I know I talk about the depression thing a lot here, which is why I think a blog specifically dedicated to that might start up sooner than later, so this might be the last time you see me discuss it here. I have had to deal with it more over the past few months or so than I have in a while. There are many very large unresolved issues that will always remain that way, so I have to find a way of coping with the reality of them more than actually exterminating them. 'Them' being situational things. I don't think anyone who's not depressed or has never been depressed can relate, or is qualified enough to give any kind of advice, not that I'm seeking it, although I have reached out very recently.
Alarmed that I might be sinking further out of reach than I expected to, I sought help from my doctor. About 20 years ago, I began drug therapy in the form of Zoloft, which if you ever read up here, you've probably been told ad-nauseum a bajillion times. It literally saved my life, that in combination with having a steel-nerved wife and daughter. Long story short, since I've told it too many times already and I'm paranoid about that now, I think maybe I need more help in advancing my own wellness.
When I talked to my doc, he says we can either increase the dosage of my meds, or I can see a specialist, probably a shrink. I opted to enlist an actual person over more meds. The trouble there is, the waiting list to see one is probably at least a year. So yeah, all that stuff you hear in the media these days about mental health being so important, that people should have access to it before it's too late in some cases? It can't be that important. I hear a whole lot about 'women's health issues' and money being thrown at it, which I completely condone! I mean, women have to put up with the likes of ME a lot of the time, right? But in the meantime, I have to take up residence on the back burner in hopes that things don't get too bad over the next year or whatever. So, I have to be mindful of my own mindset. Yeah, that's easy for those of us with mental health issues. <sarcasm>
All this isn't to say that I'm tough to get along with. I talked with Janice recently about my openness with women, which has crashed and burned over the last couple of years. While at the gym the other day, I made kind of a discovery, though. While I was on the tortur.....errrr, stair climber, a woman got on the one next to me and began using it. She struck up a conversation with me, asking me if I thought her pace was okay, and advice on how to use it. I happily obliged, and gave her encouragement and told her not to worry as she's getting underway onto her fitness goals, saying we all have to start somewhere, and all of us here have. She was quite happy to hear my words, it seemed. I told Janice about this conversation, and discovered the revelation that I'm not so much scared of women, as much as I give what I receive, whether that's good or bad, who knows. I won't be rude if someone's rude to me, though. But, if a woman's closed off to me, then nope, if you don't serve the ball then I don't have one to volley back.
Anyway, that provided some relief, because I always figured I was actually an asshole that didn't know how to not be one. I'm that hard on myself. But, the whole return-the-volley theory makes a lot more sense to me. My door might be closed, but it's not locked.
The thing there is, that though my door is closed, if it's completely ignored too, I will wind up locking it. i.e. : When my daughter performed at a lounge here in town for a singing contest a few weeks ago, after the thing was over, lots of people mixed and mingled with each other, but I couldn't seem to find a way to blend in. I'd speak a few words to people to be met with stone faces. So I scurried out to the car and waited for my wife and daughter to come out and we could leave. There's that, then. I often feel like a weed among the healthy blades of grass.
I've come to realize how important that actual physical activity is to the mind, though. If you're at a place like a gym, especially the one I go to where there's people there of all shapes, sizes and ages, you realize you're amongst those who have a similar goal. As my old taekwondo Master used to tell me, getting through the doors is the hardest exercise of all. Making the habit to go is the next goal after piercing those doors.
That's not to say that I can't participate in any social events at all. I'd never go to a work-related one, because I don't even feel like I fit in amongst my co-workers, but I can go to a movie or concert or whatever. I had a ball with my buddy/brother Tim at a Honeymoon Suite show not long ago that he took me to. I brought my wife to see Styx, and a few days ago, Bryan Adams. I was all excited to see Honeymoon Suite again with Haywire and... cough... Glass Tiger too, until I found out the tickets were 90 freakin' dollars and each band played upwards of two hours. No thanks. My back vetoed that idea, knowing it would be a floor show, and standing even for an hour at church is a challenge to me.
Speaking of church, I don't do readings anymore there, either. I still go, though. But again, if I'm in a situation if I don't feel wanted and/or needed, I will effectively remove myself. That saddened me a bit. I did readings for many years.
While I was at the doc's, I had to address an ear issue that I have since I'd gotten a sinus infection, and was seen by a doctor on-call to get antibiotics. She'd checked my ears and said, "um... you should make an appointment with your physician to get this taken care of." So I did. After he'd looked in my ears, "yup, that's quite an earfull you've got there." Enter the syringe: if you can picture one of those steel cake decorators, it squirts water into your ear and flushes it out. He had to send in a veritable typhoon to wash this big greasy bastard of a waxball out of my ear canal. The fifth time was the charm, though it couldn't be washed out. He had to get the tweezers to pluck it out. "THOOOM!" "There, got it!" Holy, I can actually hear! You don't realize how deaf you are until you've had something like that taken out of your friggin' head. He showed me the thing and I couldn't believe the size of it. "That's not a record, but... that's pretty close!" <-- a="" and="" as="" aural="" aybe="" birthday="" candles="" could="" couple="" doctor.="" e="" enamoured="" even="" excised="" for="" good="" he="" home="" i="" impressed="" intruder="" it="" janice="" make="" my="" nbsp="" of="" off.="" ou="" out="" p="" probably="" quite="" ring="" should="" show="" so="" t="" take="" that="" the="" thing.="" though.="" thought="" to="" toilet.="" was="" wasn="" wax="" with="" words="">
Anyway, as an aside, I also asked the doc to look at this spot on my nose, a sore kind of, that always peeled and wouldn't seem to heal. I've had this at least a year or two now. As it turned out, it's some kind of pre-cancerous sore, likely sun-related, that wasn't about to pose any threat to me at all, but gave me some heavy duty ointment to treat it with to heal it. I'm glad I decided to get that looked at. It might've been a bit more difficult to take care of if I'd just left it alone. I would encourage anyone that might have something like that on their own bodies to get it looked at. Better safe than sorry.
Janice is doing good, although her gut issues have been challenging her, as well as very frequent headaches. It isn't blood pressure related, that's for sure. She goes to the gym and gives it her all, and her b/p was perfect as of last night. Her gut issues, though... she certainly needs to have that addressed. She's had tests done and not much progress in spite of it. She's seeing a doc, actually a couple, soon to discuss more action on the issue. I've said it before, I'll say it again, nobody is tougher than she is. No one I know, at least.
Then there's Alexandra, getting ready to graduate from school in a few weeks. She'll jump right back into college for the summer for cosmetics, and then take it from there. A bit of a tough time yesterday, though, when she went to the doctor where they needed a biopsy for some kind of issue with her tongue. We thought they'd just swab it. As it turns out, it required freezing, needles, and a sort of hole puncher to get what they wanted. I mean, bloody hell, man! Really?? Is science not advanced enough to get a sample by easier means than that?? Anyway, we're awaiting results on that. It's benign, whatever it is, but it's a nuisance.
That's going to be about it for now at the Station. We'll see where I go from here for blogs.
Fire up the colortinis and watch the pictures fly through the air.
Good day. -->